I've been a child psychologist for 27 years. This is the
second in a series of articles on how to deal with teen's behaviors.
Please read the first article by this same title (Part I) before
reading the below...
Parents have to negotiate most of the aforementioned areas, not just once but regularly. This is the nature of individuation. With teenagers, there is a constant, chronic and inevitable pulling away from authority and routine. Teens like regularity when it comes to meeting needs, but they also love novelty, especially when it destabilizes the predictable, engenders novelty-all breeding grounds for individuation. Parents represent the "state of limitations," and most teens live with at least one of their parents, so naturally, the drive for independence focuses on and "opposes" parents, who are seen as the "forces of evil." Built into separating from the status quo is conflict, at the very least tension. How you and your teenager handle astriction depends upon the skills either
brings to "The Dance" (the concept I discussed in earlier articles on
teenagers).
As is the case with younger children, the single most important
variable parents should consider when negotiating these issues is the
teenager's level of maturity. This means parents must consider things
like capacity to understand consequences; meaning, the ability to anticipate and appreciate the future. Impulsivity, intellectual
availability, susceptibility to social pressure, ego strength, self-esteem and mood fluctuations are other considerations. Most of these fall under the category of judgment, but the latter ones, if out of order, can bleed over into psychological or psychiatric conditions.
Parents have to make a determination, and then communicate their
"findings" in some form to the teenager. This usually takes the form
of verbalizations, but is usually quickly followed by acts. The Dance
continues when the teenager counters with his or her own "contrary"
reasoning, some of which may or may not have merit. The more mature the teen is, the less parents need to dispute, and the less teens need to "present their case." The opposite is also true; that is, the less
mature the teen is, the more reasons the parents have to dispute, and the more the teen's argument fails to "hold water." Paradoxically, the less merit the teen's argument has, the more persistence there seems to be to prove it valid (often accompanied by noise and other distractions to either obfuscate the point of just distract the parent).
A good example is when a teen wants a cell phone. Because this
is probably the most salient teen crisis point, this subject will be the
topic of a separate and longer article. This is the subject of a
separate article in this article source.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Top Thirteen Teenager Problem Areas-Part I
I've been a child psychologist for twenty-seven years. Here's
the top thirteen teenager problems areas I see every day.
1) Out of home activities. Teenagers frequently want to "hang out"
with other teens, usually away from the house, or if at home, out of
parent's earshot or eyesight. Who they hang out with and how far away should they be allowed to roam are things teens prefer to decide, not parents.
2) Curfews. Teenagers want to stay out later at night, especially
after school functions, especially with their peers. They also want
to decide when not to come home.
3) Privacy. If a girl is visiting your home (if your teen is a boy),
should there be any "visiting" behind closed doors? Teens want privacy
like everyone else. They usually also want something else, or at least
are thinking about it.
4) Safety. If your teen goes home after school, does s/he go directly
home (no "dilly dallying") and stay there if the parent has to work?
After school, does the front door stay closed and locked and should there
be "friends" arriving before the parent? Should your teenager call you
when s/he arrives at home?
5) Electronics. What are healthy activities? Video games? How many? How much time spent on them? This includes cell phone and
computer time.
6) Comparative Age. At what age should a younger child or teenager
have a cell phone? You'd be surprised at the range of ages I encounter. At what age should a teenager be allowed to take care of a younger child, either a sib or baby sit?
7) Makeup. When can a girl wear makeup?
8) Dating. At what age should dating be allowed?
9) Driving. When should your teenager begin driver's instruction?
Whose car is s/he going to drive? DOES s/he drive?
10) Grades. What is the minimum GPA (grade point average) necessary
to have some of these privileges? What is the minimum GPA, period?
11) Criminal Behaviors. Truancy is a lesser crime, but it does bring
up the issue of how to deal with a teenager who refuses to go to school?
At the "kid" level, other criminal behaviors are: fire setting, fighting
to the point of seriously hurting others (sometimes associated with gang
membership) or destroying property (e.g., "tagging"). Lesser "crimes"
are plagiarizing, or copying other's answers on tests.
12) Drug and alcohol experimentation. As parents, you may not recognize
when this first starts, but it likely will, and you will have to have some
policy and approach.
13) Visitation. In divorce cases, usually there is supposed to be
visitation with the "other" parent. What are the parameters of the visits? What if your teen refuses to go? (Theoretically, this is often regulated by the legal system, but practically, it is anything but...)
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
the top thirteen teenager problems areas I see every day.
1) Out of home activities. Teenagers frequently want to "hang out"
with other teens, usually away from the house, or if at home, out of
parent's earshot or eyesight. Who they hang out with and how far away should they be allowed to roam are things teens prefer to decide, not parents.
2) Curfews. Teenagers want to stay out later at night, especially
after school functions, especially with their peers. They also want
to decide when not to come home.
3) Privacy. If a girl is visiting your home (if your teen is a boy),
should there be any "visiting" behind closed doors? Teens want privacy
like everyone else. They usually also want something else, or at least
are thinking about it.
4) Safety. If your teen goes home after school, does s/he go directly
home (no "dilly dallying") and stay there if the parent has to work?
After school, does the front door stay closed and locked and should there
be "friends" arriving before the parent? Should your teenager call you
when s/he arrives at home?
5) Electronics. What are healthy activities? Video games? How many? How much time spent on them? This includes cell phone and
computer time.
6) Comparative Age. At what age should a younger child or teenager
have a cell phone? You'd be surprised at the range of ages I encounter. At what age should a teenager be allowed to take care of a younger child, either a sib or baby sit?
7) Makeup. When can a girl wear makeup?
8) Dating. At what age should dating be allowed?
9) Driving. When should your teenager begin driver's instruction?
Whose car is s/he going to drive? DOES s/he drive?
10) Grades. What is the minimum GPA (grade point average) necessary
to have some of these privileges? What is the minimum GPA, period?
11) Criminal Behaviors. Truancy is a lesser crime, but it does bring
up the issue of how to deal with a teenager who refuses to go to school?
At the "kid" level, other criminal behaviors are: fire setting, fighting
to the point of seriously hurting others (sometimes associated with gang
membership) or destroying property (e.g., "tagging"). Lesser "crimes"
are plagiarizing, or copying other's answers on tests.
12) Drug and alcohol experimentation. As parents, you may not recognize
when this first starts, but it likely will, and you will have to have some
policy and approach.
13) Visitation. In divorce cases, usually there is supposed to be
visitation with the "other" parent. What are the parameters of the visits? What if your teen refuses to go? (Theoretically, this is often regulated by the legal system, but practically, it is anything but...)
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
Friday, September 2, 2011
Teens, Moods and Psychiatric Conditions
I'm a child psychologist and have been in private practice over
twenty-seven years. This latest brief article outlines some things to
watch for in teens when their behavior becomes a problem. This is one
of a series of many articles recently published online about teenagers
and their behaviors...
To continue...
Another cause of erratic moods is the onset of normal physical
changes. Menarche troubles lots of girls, for a while, until their
bodies and psyches adjust. Some girls/women never get used to their
periods. While this is normal, at first and possibly on a cyclical basis, moods may be compromised. Check with a medical doctor for
things like hormone levels if you suspect this to be behind cyclical and more extreme mood swings.
There are physical (probably genetic) conditions that make moods
worse. Some of these are considered to be mental health disorders, while others are thought to be genetic conditions that have mental sequelae. These include Asperger's Syndrome or Autism in general, Developmental Disorders, psychotic states and sometimes Personality Disorders.
Psychiatric conditions almost always "trash" moods. Major
Depression, Bi-polar Disorder, Mania, Cyclothymia and Dysthymia are terms that describe different characteristics and aspects of mood disorders. Anxiety disorders also make mood management very difficult. While anxiety, per se, is not always considered to be a mood "proper," it is sufficiently mood like, often painful and both indicative of and
influential over underlying moods. At a clinical level, anxiety presents
in many forms, including the following disorders: Panic Disorder, Phobias,
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
These states require the intervention of a licensed mental health
professional. (Sub-clinical manifestations of anxiety are guilt,
procrastination and other forms of ambivalence, such as the inability to
forgive, or even grief.) The idea is to get down to the cause of behavior problems, either using your own resources, or by enlisting the aid of others. (For a more thorough discussion of anxiety, see How To Diagnose and Treat Your Anxiety, which is linked to the author's website, below).
To say that teen's moods vary more than others is probably an
understatement. But to say they are too extreme relative to their internal state is an overstatement, and clinically incorrect. Teenagers react to their environments because they have newly minted perceptual and emotional machinery that are, unfortunately, neither grounded in experience, nor fine-tuned or adjusted to reality. As with most human behavior, emotion-driven behavior runs its course until it hits a wall, then corrects.
Hormones drive dramatic physical expansion in the body, and feelings come along for the ride. During the teen years, bodies and emotions explode, expanding in all directions, until stopped, usually by some form of external limit. Then, especially feelings "re-set;" meaning, adjust to the parameters within which they can safely function without jeopardizing their host. In concrete terms, your teenager will cause you great emotional grief until one or more of three things happen. One, you understand them and they come to feel you are an ally, hence less of an "object" to resist. Two, they get used to themselves and more spontaneously "adjust." Three, you set limits and boundaries. In all cases, they have to "test drive" their emerging adolescent psyches before they settle down. Be patient.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
twenty-seven years. This latest brief article outlines some things to
watch for in teens when their behavior becomes a problem. This is one
of a series of many articles recently published online about teenagers
and their behaviors...
To continue...
Another cause of erratic moods is the onset of normal physical
changes. Menarche troubles lots of girls, for a while, until their
bodies and psyches adjust. Some girls/women never get used to their
periods. While this is normal, at first and possibly on a cyclical basis, moods may be compromised. Check with a medical doctor for
things like hormone levels if you suspect this to be behind cyclical and more extreme mood swings.
There are physical (probably genetic) conditions that make moods
worse. Some of these are considered to be mental health disorders, while others are thought to be genetic conditions that have mental sequelae. These include Asperger's Syndrome or Autism in general, Developmental Disorders, psychotic states and sometimes Personality Disorders.
Psychiatric conditions almost always "trash" moods. Major
Depression, Bi-polar Disorder, Mania, Cyclothymia and Dysthymia are terms that describe different characteristics and aspects of mood disorders. Anxiety disorders also make mood management very difficult. While anxiety, per se, is not always considered to be a mood "proper," it is sufficiently mood like, often painful and both indicative of and
influential over underlying moods. At a clinical level, anxiety presents
in many forms, including the following disorders: Panic Disorder, Phobias,
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
These states require the intervention of a licensed mental health
professional. (Sub-clinical manifestations of anxiety are guilt,
procrastination and other forms of ambivalence, such as the inability to
forgive, or even grief.) The idea is to get down to the cause of behavior problems, either using your own resources, or by enlisting the aid of others. (For a more thorough discussion of anxiety, see How To Diagnose and Treat Your Anxiety, which is linked to the author's website, below).
To say that teen's moods vary more than others is probably an
understatement. But to say they are too extreme relative to their internal state is an overstatement, and clinically incorrect. Teenagers react to their environments because they have newly minted perceptual and emotional machinery that are, unfortunately, neither grounded in experience, nor fine-tuned or adjusted to reality. As with most human behavior, emotion-driven behavior runs its course until it hits a wall, then corrects.
Hormones drive dramatic physical expansion in the body, and feelings come along for the ride. During the teen years, bodies and emotions explode, expanding in all directions, until stopped, usually by some form of external limit. Then, especially feelings "re-set;" meaning, adjust to the parameters within which they can safely function without jeopardizing their host. In concrete terms, your teenager will cause you great emotional grief until one or more of three things happen. One, you understand them and they come to feel you are an ally, hence less of an "object" to resist. Two, they get used to themselves and more spontaneously "adjust." Three, you set limits and boundaries. In all cases, they have to "test drive" their emerging adolescent psyches before they settle down. Be patient.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
Teens, Driving and Dating
Teens, Driving and Dating
I've been an outpatient child psychologist for over twenty-seven years, and have recently completed a ebook, How To Change Teenager's Behavior. Below is an excerpt, summarizing some thoughts on teen driving, followed by dating (next article).
To continue...
Your task as the parent is to shape your teenager; training them,
little by little, coaxing them into developing the characteristics of
responsible drivers. What does that mean? List them: responsibility,
good judgment, unselfishness, controlled impulsivity, farsightedness and respect. Take them one at a time, and shape them by rewarding behaviors that are close, at first. Use modeling, cueing, etc. Do this until you see enough of these traits emerging and stabilizing to warrant trusting your teen on the road. Its a huge judgment call on your part as the parent, but you know your teenager better than anyone else, and can instinctively make this decision based upon your daily interactions.
"The Dance" (see previous articles on teenagers by this author) is about your teen showing you what they are made of, how mature they are, how in control of their impulses they are, how respectful they are in all areas of home, school and social life. These are the yardsticks parents use to assess the likelihood of their teen's driving well. Why is this important?
Remember, when they drive off for the first time, probably in your car, without you in the passenger seat, you will no longer control what happens. They, in all their immaturity, now "present" all their characters to the world of fellow drivers. They will transfer through the car onto the real world whatever level of judgment and self-control they have. The bad news is that they will also act out immaturity on the road, just as they did by not cleaning their rooms. Those same attitudes don't exist solely in one domain.
The good news is that most of us make it through this rite of passage. It is the enormity or scope of the consequences that gives we parents pause, but it is this same salience that motivates teens to "step up to the plate," to prove to themselves and to us that they are ready. Thus the reward is in the accomplishment to the teen, and to the relinquishment of withholding to we parents.
Another example is dating. Before dealing with the onset of dating
behaviors, let me digress and define dating. It used to be that dating meant going out with at least one other person, who we would treat as special, at least for the night. It also implied having possibly but not necessarily having more than just casual feelings for that person, or at least having sufficient interest in that person to give them individual attention around some unique event--dinner with only them, a movie with only them, etc. Double dating was just an expansion of these ideas, applied to another couple occupying the same space, participating in the same activities. Serious dating implied being more exclusive, later monogamous; meaning, being with only one person in a dating capacity, excluding others. Dating implied greater intimacy, which opened the door to the possibility of sex. (Drugs and rock and roll activities could happen anywhere along the way.)
"Nowadays" dating is much more loosely defined. I recently talked with an eleven-year-old girl in my office, who had been "dating" for two years. That begged the question, so I asked what she meant by dating. She said, "You know, meeting at recess behind the bungalows." Then I asked, "What do you do behind the bungalows?" She said, "Well, you know, talk and stuff." I persisted. "Stuff?" "Well, we give each other stuff, like something we found, or we hold hands or just hang out." This seems innocent enough, but later I found out this "dating" also involved some pretty intimate touching and some exchange of drugs (marijuana, in this case). Adult behaviors start somewhere at some time. It appears to be the case that "dating" and all its machinations starts earlier and earlier. It used to be that dating used to involve travel, usually by car. Now, travel means walking a few hundred feet at school.
At what age should teens be allowed to fraternize with others in this way? The adumbrations of this class of behavior are starting to wear makeup (usually but not always girls) and shaving (both genders) and body-building (usually but not always boys). These are all normal, but the ages at which they occur vary. In my outpatient private practice as a child psychologist, I have seen the portents of dating start as early as eight in girls and nine in boys, or as late as sixteen or later in either gender. It depends upon more variables than the scope of this article allows. Regardless, when (usually not if) this happens, "The Dance" accelerates. (See other articles by this author for an explanation of The Dance.) Teens start to push the talk-on-the-cell-phone time limits and later the curfew limits. And, not coincidentally, when they are violating the here-to-fore established "standards," they often "just happen" to be interacting with another teen in "dating" mode.
Dating, by itself is not terminal; that is, teens will not self-destruct the minute they discover more intimate attachments to another. But the onset of dating does cause parents alarm, because it brings up the specter of sex and other dreaded behaviors, e.g., alcohol use. The emergence of dating causes parents to think about "the sex talk," which by the way, has usually already been addressed, at least from the teen's point of view, by their sex-ed class.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
I've been an outpatient child psychologist for over twenty-seven years, and have recently completed a ebook, How To Change Teenager's Behavior. Below is an excerpt, summarizing some thoughts on teen driving, followed by dating (next article).
To continue...
Your task as the parent is to shape your teenager; training them,
little by little, coaxing them into developing the characteristics of
responsible drivers. What does that mean? List them: responsibility,
good judgment, unselfishness, controlled impulsivity, farsightedness and respect. Take them one at a time, and shape them by rewarding behaviors that are close, at first. Use modeling, cueing, etc. Do this until you see enough of these traits emerging and stabilizing to warrant trusting your teen on the road. Its a huge judgment call on your part as the parent, but you know your teenager better than anyone else, and can instinctively make this decision based upon your daily interactions.
"The Dance" (see previous articles on teenagers by this author) is about your teen showing you what they are made of, how mature they are, how in control of their impulses they are, how respectful they are in all areas of home, school and social life. These are the yardsticks parents use to assess the likelihood of their teen's driving well. Why is this important?
Remember, when they drive off for the first time, probably in your car, without you in the passenger seat, you will no longer control what happens. They, in all their immaturity, now "present" all their characters to the world of fellow drivers. They will transfer through the car onto the real world whatever level of judgment and self-control they have. The bad news is that they will also act out immaturity on the road, just as they did by not cleaning their rooms. Those same attitudes don't exist solely in one domain.
The good news is that most of us make it through this rite of passage. It is the enormity or scope of the consequences that gives we parents pause, but it is this same salience that motivates teens to "step up to the plate," to prove to themselves and to us that they are ready. Thus the reward is in the accomplishment to the teen, and to the relinquishment of withholding to we parents.
Another example is dating. Before dealing with the onset of dating
behaviors, let me digress and define dating. It used to be that dating meant going out with at least one other person, who we would treat as special, at least for the night. It also implied having possibly but not necessarily having more than just casual feelings for that person, or at least having sufficient interest in that person to give them individual attention around some unique event--dinner with only them, a movie with only them, etc. Double dating was just an expansion of these ideas, applied to another couple occupying the same space, participating in the same activities. Serious dating implied being more exclusive, later monogamous; meaning, being with only one person in a dating capacity, excluding others. Dating implied greater intimacy, which opened the door to the possibility of sex. (Drugs and rock and roll activities could happen anywhere along the way.)
"Nowadays" dating is much more loosely defined. I recently talked with an eleven-year-old girl in my office, who had been "dating" for two years. That begged the question, so I asked what she meant by dating. She said, "You know, meeting at recess behind the bungalows." Then I asked, "What do you do behind the bungalows?" She said, "Well, you know, talk and stuff." I persisted. "Stuff?" "Well, we give each other stuff, like something we found, or we hold hands or just hang out." This seems innocent enough, but later I found out this "dating" also involved some pretty intimate touching and some exchange of drugs (marijuana, in this case). Adult behaviors start somewhere at some time. It appears to be the case that "dating" and all its machinations starts earlier and earlier. It used to be that dating used to involve travel, usually by car. Now, travel means walking a few hundred feet at school.
At what age should teens be allowed to fraternize with others in this way? The adumbrations of this class of behavior are starting to wear makeup (usually but not always girls) and shaving (both genders) and body-building (usually but not always boys). These are all normal, but the ages at which they occur vary. In my outpatient private practice as a child psychologist, I have seen the portents of dating start as early as eight in girls and nine in boys, or as late as sixteen or later in either gender. It depends upon more variables than the scope of this article allows. Regardless, when (usually not if) this happens, "The Dance" accelerates. (See other articles by this author for an explanation of The Dance.) Teens start to push the talk-on-the-cell-phone time limits and later the curfew limits. And, not coincidentally, when they are violating the here-to-fore established "standards," they often "just happen" to be interacting with another teen in "dating" mode.
Dating, by itself is not terminal; that is, teens will not self-destruct the minute they discover more intimate attachments to another. But the onset of dating does cause parents alarm, because it brings up the specter of sex and other dreaded behaviors, e.g., alcohol use. The emergence of dating causes parents to think about "the sex talk," which by the way, has usually already been addressed, at least from the teen's point of view, by their sex-ed class.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html
Procrastination and Assertiveness
What is assertiveness? Simply defined, according to
Wikipedia, which is actually pretty good at defining this term,
assertiveness is:
"...a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view."
Further, assertive people have the following characteristics:
"They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
They are...
"also able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships
with [other]people. They know their rights. They have control over their anger. This does not mean that they repress this feeling; it means that they control anger and talk about it in a reasoning manner."
Assertive people ..."are willing to compromise with others, rather than
always wanting their own way ... and tend to have good self-esteem"
Assertive people enter friendships from an 'I count my needs. I count
your needs' position".
The most important trait in this last list is the first one, "They
feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires." This is the
state which allows for the expression of those recently excavated feelings, values, ideas, memories, associations and thoughts that previously weren't in awareness. Now that they are, the task is to use the appropriate words and say them, out loud, to decrease the tension inherent in the procrastination dynamic. Notice that I did not say that externalizing your thoughts got you off the hook or that it even reduced tension. It shifts attention from procrastination to assertiveness, which for some, is equally uncomfortable. (This is secondary procrastination-fear of dealing with it because of trouble being assertive.) But the demand now is to face the issue with assertiveness, which may cause another kind of anxiety, that of speaking up, This has to be mastered sufficiently or the dynamic of procrastination, even though exposed, will still not change.
You, the reader, are probably thinking, "Great, now I have to be
assertive when I haven't yet mastered procrastination." The short answer
is "yes" but assertiveness doesn't have to be so arduous, if that is the way you think about it. In my ebook, The Five Steps of Assertiveness, I describe three levels of assertiveness, "Beginning, Intermediate and Advanced." You only need to master the first level, which is very simple.
All you have to do is find the right words to describe your thoughts and/or feelings and say them. That's it! That takes the edge off the underlying or buried thoughts and feelings, because now they are no longer buried (it takes energy to contain energy and we experience this phenomenon mentally in the form of fatigue, distraction and overall tension). You've taken the lid off the bottle, so to speak, and let out some of the pressure. The next easy and logical step, is to state your position on something and then ask for what you want, this time directly. This is Beginning Assertiveness, and it is not hard. This is the simplest direct way to clear the air and get more of what you want.
Procrastination probably is the most indirect way of creating what you want, but it causes all kinds of problems inside your head and in your social environment because people are not pleased with procrastinating behavior. When you overtly state your wishes, people react to you differently. While they still might not like what you say or agree to give you what you want, they will see and appreciate the normal approach
you are now taking to resolving a situation. (Assertiveness does not
guarantee you will get what you want, but it does increase the odds.) You will get feedback that assertiveness is much better than "that other behavior" and the secondary benefits to you will be things like lowered anxiety, increased self-esteem and greater social matriculation.
So, follow me as I describe some situations in future articles that embody all the dynamics I've talked about.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page192.html
Wikipedia, which is actually pretty good at defining this term,
assertiveness is:
"...a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view."
Further, assertive people have the following characteristics:
"They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
They are...
"also able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships
with [other]people. They know their rights. They have control over their anger. This does not mean that they repress this feeling; it means that they control anger and talk about it in a reasoning manner."
Assertive people ..."are willing to compromise with others, rather than
always wanting their own way ... and tend to have good self-esteem"
Assertive people enter friendships from an 'I count my needs. I count
your needs' position".
The most important trait in this last list is the first one, "They
feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires." This is the
state which allows for the expression of those recently excavated feelings, values, ideas, memories, associations and thoughts that previously weren't in awareness. Now that they are, the task is to use the appropriate words and say them, out loud, to decrease the tension inherent in the procrastination dynamic. Notice that I did not say that externalizing your thoughts got you off the hook or that it even reduced tension. It shifts attention from procrastination to assertiveness, which for some, is equally uncomfortable. (This is secondary procrastination-fear of dealing with it because of trouble being assertive.) But the demand now is to face the issue with assertiveness, which may cause another kind of anxiety, that of speaking up, This has to be mastered sufficiently or the dynamic of procrastination, even though exposed, will still not change.
You, the reader, are probably thinking, "Great, now I have to be
assertive when I haven't yet mastered procrastination." The short answer
is "yes" but assertiveness doesn't have to be so arduous, if that is the way you think about it. In my ebook, The Five Steps of Assertiveness, I describe three levels of assertiveness, "Beginning, Intermediate and Advanced." You only need to master the first level, which is very simple.
All you have to do is find the right words to describe your thoughts and/or feelings and say them. That's it! That takes the edge off the underlying or buried thoughts and feelings, because now they are no longer buried (it takes energy to contain energy and we experience this phenomenon mentally in the form of fatigue, distraction and overall tension). You've taken the lid off the bottle, so to speak, and let out some of the pressure. The next easy and logical step, is to state your position on something and then ask for what you want, this time directly. This is Beginning Assertiveness, and it is not hard. This is the simplest direct way to clear the air and get more of what you want.
Procrastination probably is the most indirect way of creating what you want, but it causes all kinds of problems inside your head and in your social environment because people are not pleased with procrastinating behavior. When you overtly state your wishes, people react to you differently. While they still might not like what you say or agree to give you what you want, they will see and appreciate the normal approach
you are now taking to resolving a situation. (Assertiveness does not
guarantee you will get what you want, but it does increase the odds.) You will get feedback that assertiveness is much better than "that other behavior" and the secondary benefits to you will be things like lowered anxiety, increased self-esteem and greater social matriculation.
So, follow me as I describe some situations in future articles that embody all the dynamics I've talked about.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page192.html
Other Causes of Procrastination-Like Behaviors-Part II
Other Causes of Procrastination-Like Behaviors-Part II
This is a continuation of the previous article, which was Part I. Please read that article first.
To continue...
Mental health is often an underlying factor. Think depression or bi-polar illness. Think anxiety disorders. These are serious conditions that clearly compromise an individual's ability to negotiate even simple, daily tasks, much less tackle big projects. Think about Frank (example of procrastination in a previous article). If he is depressed significantly more than he knows, Frank will be unable to muster enough energy to complete projects, again until the tension builds and overrides the resistance caused by the mental illness. Depression, and mood disorders in general, take the motivation out of behavior because they require such a great effort to overcome the effects of the mental illness. If mental illness is suspected, consult with a behavioral health professional.
Another possible cause of procrastination is drug or alcohol use.
Drugs are everywhere and teenagers are exposed to them every day at high
schools and colleges. I've had kids as young as seven in my office
asking question about funny looking weed-like stuff in plastic bags. When asked where they saw this, one child said, "Some big kid was selling it outside my school." Whoa! This was just marijuana. There are more
drugs "out there" than parents realize, and if Jim is taking these, his
behavior is going to be compromised. In the world of using drugs, motivations change, intensity of moods change, ability to concentrate
changes. From the drug experience mind set, cleaning rooms and doing
homework are not appealing and even if they were, the ability to complete
such tasks is compromised because the brains needed to wield attention are
polluted. If drugs are an issue, seek a behavioral health professional.
Lastly, personality disorders wreak havoc on behavior and can mimic
procrastination. A personality disorder is a long term, maladaptive
pattern of behavior that is not a mental illness, strictly speaking
(although they are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Illnesses). We have all heard of the psychopath (now called
Antisocial Personality), and more in the news and literature are
Narcissistic and Borderline Personality disorders. There are others, and their nature is too far afield from the scope of this article on procrastination. If you suspect a personality disorder, go to Google
and type in "Personality Disorders" and do a little research. This
category really does require professional training to diagnose, especially
to tease out from simple procrastination. If in doubt, consult with a
behavioral health professional.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page192.html
This is a continuation of the previous article, which was Part I. Please read that article first.
To continue...
Mental health is often an underlying factor. Think depression or bi-polar illness. Think anxiety disorders. These are serious conditions that clearly compromise an individual's ability to negotiate even simple, daily tasks, much less tackle big projects. Think about Frank (example of procrastination in a previous article). If he is depressed significantly more than he knows, Frank will be unable to muster enough energy to complete projects, again until the tension builds and overrides the resistance caused by the mental illness. Depression, and mood disorders in general, take the motivation out of behavior because they require such a great effort to overcome the effects of the mental illness. If mental illness is suspected, consult with a behavioral health professional.
Another possible cause of procrastination is drug or alcohol use.
Drugs are everywhere and teenagers are exposed to them every day at high
schools and colleges. I've had kids as young as seven in my office
asking question about funny looking weed-like stuff in plastic bags. When asked where they saw this, one child said, "Some big kid was selling it outside my school." Whoa! This was just marijuana. There are more
drugs "out there" than parents realize, and if Jim is taking these, his
behavior is going to be compromised. In the world of using drugs, motivations change, intensity of moods change, ability to concentrate
changes. From the drug experience mind set, cleaning rooms and doing
homework are not appealing and even if they were, the ability to complete
such tasks is compromised because the brains needed to wield attention are
polluted. If drugs are an issue, seek a behavioral health professional.
Lastly, personality disorders wreak havoc on behavior and can mimic
procrastination. A personality disorder is a long term, maladaptive
pattern of behavior that is not a mental illness, strictly speaking
(although they are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Illnesses). We have all heard of the psychopath (now called
Antisocial Personality), and more in the news and literature are
Narcissistic and Borderline Personality disorders. There are others, and their nature is too far afield from the scope of this article on procrastination. If you suspect a personality disorder, go to Google
and type in "Personality Disorders" and do a little research. This
category really does require professional training to diagnose, especially
to tease out from simple procrastination. If in doubt, consult with a
behavioral health professional.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page192.html
Other Causes of Procrastination-Like Behaviors-Part I
These two articles are part of a group of articles about procrastination, all written by an outpatient psychologist. Previous articles explain the relationship between conflicts, ambivalence, anxiety, avoidance, etc.; all of which might be read in order to fully understand the content of the current article.
To continue...
Sometimes, people go through lots of therapeutic steps and still procrastinate. They understand the conflicts, the ambivalence, the anxiety and everything else and still procrastinates. Then what?
The answer is that we missed something. There is some dynamic or other behavior that is not visible, still gumming up the works. In one of the previous articles, Jim (an adolescent) didn't want to clean his room or do his homework. What other issues might there be that could explain. It turns out there are several major possibilities.
One is ADHD. This is Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and is a neurological disorder that manifests as the inability to pay attention to consistently low stimulation activity. Other symptoms are distractibility, disorganization, usually impulsivity and often some hyperactivity (fidgeting, constantly moving or climbing, etc.). The ADHD mind set does not easily lend itself to cleaning rooms and paying attention to homework. Paying attention and being still for ADHD kids is actually painful and is usually avoided by self-creating stimulation, usually not of the parent-approved kind. If this is the underlying cause of procrastination consult with a behavioral health professional. While ADHD behaviors look like procrastination on the surface, they are really reflective of an underpowered braking system in the brain. In Jim's case, he couldn't stop distracting impulses from taking him off task. This looks like procrastination because "things" aren't done on time, but the culprit is not so much suppression of underlying conflicts, but faulty wiring.
Another possible cause of procrastination is ODD. This is
Oppositional Defiant Disorder. ODD is also a behavioral condition,
characterized by excessive negativity, non-cooperative behaviors other
than those normally ascribed to certain ages (think "terrible two's," or
teen rebellion, which are normal). ODD, like ADHD, is frequently seen
as a co-morbid condition; that is, one that co-exists as a separate
disorder alongside another disorder such as ADHD or depression. In this
case procrastination-like behavior might really be the expression of a mood disorder, or some chronic, deep-seated environmental stressor, like a pesky younger sister who lives to frustrate her older brother, or parents who prefer such a sibling over Jim. If this is the case, see a behavioral health professional or read "How To Change Children's Behavior (Quickly)."
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page192.html
To continue...
Sometimes, people go through lots of therapeutic steps and still procrastinate. They understand the conflicts, the ambivalence, the anxiety and everything else and still procrastinates. Then what?
The answer is that we missed something. There is some dynamic or other behavior that is not visible, still gumming up the works. In one of the previous articles, Jim (an adolescent) didn't want to clean his room or do his homework. What other issues might there be that could explain. It turns out there are several major possibilities.
One is ADHD. This is Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and is a neurological disorder that manifests as the inability to pay attention to consistently low stimulation activity. Other symptoms are distractibility, disorganization, usually impulsivity and often some hyperactivity (fidgeting, constantly moving or climbing, etc.). The ADHD mind set does not easily lend itself to cleaning rooms and paying attention to homework. Paying attention and being still for ADHD kids is actually painful and is usually avoided by self-creating stimulation, usually not of the parent-approved kind. If this is the underlying cause of procrastination consult with a behavioral health professional. While ADHD behaviors look like procrastination on the surface, they are really reflective of an underpowered braking system in the brain. In Jim's case, he couldn't stop distracting impulses from taking him off task. This looks like procrastination because "things" aren't done on time, but the culprit is not so much suppression of underlying conflicts, but faulty wiring.
Another possible cause of procrastination is ODD. This is
Oppositional Defiant Disorder. ODD is also a behavioral condition,
characterized by excessive negativity, non-cooperative behaviors other
than those normally ascribed to certain ages (think "terrible two's," or
teen rebellion, which are normal). ODD, like ADHD, is frequently seen
as a co-morbid condition; that is, one that co-exists as a separate
disorder alongside another disorder such as ADHD or depression. In this
case procrastination-like behavior might really be the expression of a mood disorder, or some chronic, deep-seated environmental stressor, like a pesky younger sister who lives to frustrate her older brother, or parents who prefer such a sibling over Jim. If this is the case, see a behavioral health professional or read "How To Change Children's Behavior (Quickly)."
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page192.html
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