Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Foundations of Self Esteem, Part II

The Foundations of Self Esteem, Part II

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I see
the same conditions every day. One that is central to
the rest is low self-esteem. Over twenty years, I have
looked at self-esteem from every which way and have concluded
that there are four main components. I call them the
Four Powers of Self Esteem, and have written an ebook that
explores each power and how self esteem has formed.
Here's the second article in a series that summarizes some of
the more important points. It begins where the first
article ends. (The first article should be in this same
article directory.)
... By middle childhood, our self-esteems have crystallized.
We know how smart we are relative to our peers. The lucky ones
can spell better or get higher grades on math tests. Some
struggle with the basics of simple addition or basic grammar.
Some cannot even sufficiently pay attention. Others excel
in sports. They can run faster or jump higher than their peers.
We look at what clothing our classmates wear or what they did
over their summer vacations. All these data confirm or modify
how we "are" relative to others. It also defines our beginning
sense of our place in the universe. This is the beginning of
thinking of our purpose in being, our destiny or at least how our
lives likely will play out.
By high school, we know whether we have potential for
academia or not, whether we might work in white or blue-collar
environments, whether we come from a rich or poor family, etc.
Why? Because our contacts with others are much more extensive
and deep. The feedback we get from others coupled with the
amount of feedback from everywhere, which is now voluminous,
drive further congealing of our basic truths about ourselves.
We are maturing, becoming direction driven by default, and
beginning to think realistically about our careers as adults.
By now we have taken in well over five million bits of
information about ourselves. By my count, this is a very
conservative estimate, but still a huge number. We have
inculcated information from parents, siblings, grandparents,
teachers, friends, store clerks, salesman, repair people and
just about every other person we have ever encountered.
These messages have formed within us a constant, in this case
a stable representation of who we are in relation to our world.
Now we have to decide what to do with ourselves.
Our ambitions are shaped by our self-esteems, so in line with
our self-perceived abilities or lack thereof, we make beginning
choices about our careers. By this time, most of us already
know that we will be or not be doctors or lawyers. While this
is not always true (because we can still decide later if we have
potential), most of us are lining up one or another career path
that is in keeping with our basic assumptions about ourselves.
As we mature, this becomes less and less likely to change.
In addition, once chosen, our life's path is probably the largest
reinforcer of our previous impressions about subsequent choices
and ourselves. While this may be a path to employment, it also
can be raising a family, or goofing off as long as possible.
Some people defer the choice until they do something else, like
continue school for as long as possible. When there are ample
resources, some people just do nothing, travel, "hang out," or
relax until other realities force them to choose. College
students and trust-fund babies fall into the latter category.
For most of us, reality dawns and post-education, we take
our self-esteems and apply it to real life. By far, most of us
find partners and think about settling down, including starting a
family. Our self-esteems have invested in stable activities.
Hopefully, the activities will stay stable. When they do not
(divorce, changes in job), it is our self-esteems that provide
constancy; that is, a sense of sameness within that mediates
adaptation to change.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

The Foundations of Self Esteem, Part I

The Foundations of Self Esteem, Part I

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I see
the same conditions every day. One that is central to
the rest is low self-esteem. Over twenty years, I have
looked at self-esteem from every which way and concluded
that there are four main components. I call them the
Four Powers of Self Esteem, and have written an ebook that
explores each power and how self esteem has formed.
Here's an article that summarizes some of the more important
points.
Self-esteem begins in the womb. It begins with a
mother that provides a healthy intrauterine environment.
Without the proper "hard wiring," children start off life
on their left foot, so to speak. Given that mothers grow
healthy children, the next major impact to that sense of self
is at birth. When the child arrives, what are the instant
messages s/he gets? There better be lots of love,
especially when it comes to overcoming birth trauma.
But as a psychologist, I look more at the psychological
environment given to the child. I also look at the number
and quality of messages the child receives over the course of
a lifetime, especially during the first five years.
It turns out we receive zillions of messages about ourselves
over our lives, and the ones we receive in the first five
years are crucial to self-esteem success.
Think for a moment what a child experiences lying in
the crib, looking up expectantly at Mom or Dad? What message
is communicated when we are hungry and not yet fed? What do
we feel when we need to be changed? What do we feel when our
older brother or sister pokes us? These are minor examples
of what children daily experience. With each experience,
there comes a feeling. The feelings are good, bad or
somewhere in between. Any particular feeling may or may not
be too important, but after not too long, there amasses a
pattern of feelings. There is established some collection of
experiences that start to form a core. This is the beginning
of psychological self-esteem.
The rapidity and depth and range of these early
experiences would stagger most people's minds, if one really
looked at them in depth. These early experiences come in very
fast, at all sensory levels and are connected with every
interaction. They associated to basic events such as being
fed and stimulated, but also to the texture of the blanket in
the bed. They form a composite from which the individual self
emerges, associated with good or bad messages about self.
When pleasant experiences predominate, good self-experiences
predominate. The opposite occurs with bad self associations
(remaining hungry or not being changed). Over the early years,
millions of messages about us are lodged in our brains, thus
forming the foundation of self-esteem.
Sooner or later we all come into contact with other kids,
if not initially with siblings. This introduces another potent
source of messages about ourselves. Instantly we compare
ourselves to others. Do we run as fast as our neighbor?
Do we get as much food? Do we have pretty clothes? Am I as
tall as another kid? These perceptions crash into our
awareness upon first contact with another and are repeatedly
driven home with continued contact. Right away we start
positioning ourselves in relation to others. We start thinking
I'm better at this, or not so good at that. We form natural
groupings with others of the same qualities, traits or abilities.
We define ourselves by distancing ourselves from others who are
not quite the same, for good or bad. By offsetting ourselves,
we fortify our self-image relative to the traits from which we
separate. Thus, aspects of our self-esteem are strengthened.
To be continued in Part II.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

Long Term Relationships

Long Term Relationships

Long-term relationships are a different animal from their
short-term cousins. Relationships go through stages and the
first stages are very different from the later ones. In long-term
relationships, the patterns of communication are different.
The patterns are not laced with uncertainty, or so much sexuality,
or keenness of interest. Couple have "gotten used" to each other,
and their behavior reflects this change. Couples take each other
much more for granted. This does not have to be bad, but it is
different, considering the pattern of communication in the beginning
stages.
One of the most striking things to change is the emergence of
history. When we grow up, we absorb the culture of our parents
or surroundings. This becomes our "unconscious" norm. If we were
treated well in the past, we think this will continue into the
present. Conversely, if things did not go so well, our unconscious
bias is to expect similarly, even though consciously we, of course,
wish otherwise.
In the long-term relationship, this history begins to "pop up;"
that is, insert itself into our otherwise ordinary behaviors. A
real-life example is when one of the partners was
(and probably still is) the oldest of many brothers/sisters growing
up. She marries a man who is the youngest of a brood. Normally,
love conquers all, until the glow or novelty of the first stage of
the relationship wears off. Then the wife begins to behave as the
oldest, just about the time the husband begins to behave as the
youngest. One can imagine the conflicts that will follow as she
herds him or directs his behaviors or controls his impulsivity.
He, on the other hand, is used to having lots of attention from
older sibs and might even be used to being "the baby of the family."
He acts cute and thinks others will take care of him. She resents
the assumption because this is more work for her.
This is a general example but plays out often than one might
expect because the "real" people behind the roles of wife and
husband are surfacing.
The phenomenon behind this little charade is what we
psychologists call acting out of the transference. Transference
is the group of assumptions we all carry at unconscious levels that
guide our impulses and influence our choices. They're the attitudes
and biases I mentioned above that come from childhood. In
relationships, especially long-term ones, these transference biases
become increasingly visible in the patterns of behavior we manifest
to our partners. As the relationship matures the core values of
the individual become visible. The assumptions are acted out onto
our partner almost automatically (certainly unconsciously at first),
until there build some routines.
In the above example, if the wife is used to bossing around or
even just being in charge of younger siblings, she may take a
critical or even judgmental tone. She may use phrases that convey
authority or superiority, such as "you should" do this or that, or
"you should not" do this or that. This will put the listener
(the husband) in the position of being scolded; thus, he will feel
more like a child. If he happens to be the youngest kid in the
family, this will feel comfortable, even if he is criticized.
But sooner or later, the adult part of his brain will resent being
treated like a child and tensions will build.
Now we have a problem that feeds itself. She will criticize,
he will resent it and probably sabotage her efforts. The more she
criticizes, the more he will undo her efforts, consciously or
otherwise. This will escalate until one of them "blows."
I call this a Negative Loop. That's where each partner does
what irritates the other, who in turn does the very thing in
response that caused the first partner to do what he or she did.
This is a very general outline of thousands of possible transference
patterns and only one of eight major Negative Loops that I run into
every day in my practice as an outpatient psychologist and marriage
therapist.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

The Components of Self Esteem

The Components of Self Esteem

Self-esteem is something we psychologists work with on
a daily basis. It affects everything we do--every
conversation we have with someone, potentially every business
transaction, our relationships with significant others, and on
and on.
In my twenty plus years as an outpatient psychologist,
I have distilled the four primary aspects or qualities of this
very big concept. I call them powers, because each contributes
to our personal effectiveness, personal integration, hence
self-empowerment. The four powers of self-esteem are Worth,
Competence, Ego Strength and Self-Acceptance.
Worth has to do with our basic, fundamental, deep-seated
assumptions about ourselves. These values, thoughts and ideas
stem from how life went for us during our formative years.
How did our parents treat us? Were we loved? What happened
to us during this time? We all have had good and bad experiences,
especially during our earliest times. Were these experiences
supportive or traumatic? How did we take these in? How did we
interpret them? These all structure our sense of Worth.
Competence has to do with our real or actual abilities.
Our developed skills fall into this category. This may be a
natural or acquired skill. Can we speak better than our peers?
Are we more or less intelligent? In grade school, we noted whether
we could run faster than our classmates. What kind of grades did
we make, compared to others. In adulthood, are we better at our
jobs than our competitors? Are we going to get that promotion
based upon what we can do or whether we are dating the boss'
daughter? Competence has to do with what we actually manifest.
How we do that is about our abilities.
Ego-strength is really two components. The first is
assertiveness. Assertiveness is about sharing our experience
with the world. I call this beginning assertiveness. We just
tell the world how it is for us, in whatever way works. The usual
and most effective way is through words, so we usually need an
adequate vocabulary of feelings. Intermediate assertiveness is
about asking for what we want. It is one thing to share our
innermost experiences, but it requires more assertion to ask others
to give us something. Advanced assertiveness is what psychologists,
police or other professionals occasionally have to do, but also
usually try to avoid. This is when we talk someone down from a
high place, like a bridge or tall building. This is when we negotiate
for a hostage release when there is a crime. Most of us never have
to do these things.
The second aspect of ego-strength is thick-Skinnedness.
This is not a clinical term, but a quality that comes from practice.
Usually it evolves from assertiveness. If we are effective in
dealing with the world at large, stating our opinions and asking
for what we want, we also develop an "orientation" about how it is
in that world. We know there will be times when we do not get what
we want. We know there is conflict everywhere. We know that to get
what we want, we have to endure things, again, conflict being the
most central. We know people will disagree with us, and at times
be very critical. All of this contributes to a mental posturing, and "attitude" that allows us to be tough. I call this thick-Skinnedness,
and when developed, fosters greater self-esteem.
The last of the four powers of self-esteem is Self-Acceptance.
This is also an attitude, but a relatively uncritical one. It
involves acknowledging and accepting oneself, including all of our
good or bad qualities. In an ebook I wrote, there is the example
of the overweight, toothless, sixth-grade educated underachiever who
accepted himself just as he is. His self-acceptance is high; hence
his self-esteem in this area is also high. Contrast this with the
high-powered executive who makes a six-figure annual salary, who
constantly berates himself for not making the next better deal or
outsmarting the competition. He has, by most societal standards,
achieved a lot, yet has very low self-acceptance. His self-esteem
in this area is low. Self-acceptance does not necessarily have
anything to do with achievement.
The in-dept version of this article, as well as information
about how self-esteem is formed and improved quickly can be found
in one of my ebooks, available at my website.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

Why Do Relationships Fail?

Why Do Relationships Fail?

As an outpatient psychologist, I have been in practice
over twenty years. I see eight conditions every day and
the one that stands out the most is "relationships." This
includes straight but also gay ones, and more often than not
the longer-term variety. While short-term relationships
present with their own specific problems, it is the longer-term
relationship that is the focus of this article.
Relationships go through stages. Stage One is about
novelty, fun, great sex, staying up all night and generally
just doing things together. When we first get involved,
it's a big rush and lots of stimulation. If this blows up,
we have had a short-term relationship. But what if "things"
progress?
Stage Two is when there is commitment or "exclusivity."
Stage Three is usually about marriage or its equivalent.
Stage Four is about separation or divorce if "things" go south.
I've rushed through the stages because they are not the main
point, here. But they do provide background to what happens
when relationships fail, short-term or long-term.
In the beginning, the dynamic nature of the first few
months of new relationships covers up our real selves.
The "deep stuff," as I like to call it, is who we really are,
and this core set of experiences and values develop from our
earliest experiences with significant others. Usually these
folks are our parents, but in all circumstance, our caretakers
bequeathed to us the values we espouse. Unfortunately, these
proclivities do not come out in everyday activities, unless
they are severe and/or profound. Instead, they lie in wait
until the rush of the new relationship subsides.
When we get used to each other, the deep stuff can surface.
This can but usually does not happen when there are the
distractions of newness. But in Stage two, and even in the
latter part of Stage One, and certainly by Stage Three, we know
each other more than just as a new person to date. Our habits,
patterns of behavior and other deep stuff emerge. We let our
guards down and we "leak."
Right about this time we start thinking whether or not we
are compatible with our partner. If our unconscious patterns
are adaptive and more importantly, "jive" with our partner's
unconscious patterns, harmony is more likely to ensue. These
people are "lucky" enough to be in a relationship with someone
who is not only compatible with them on the surface, but also
at deeper levels. Troubled couples do not have such luck.
When unconscious patterns collide, behavior changes from
fun seeking to fighting, from good sex to bad or no sex, from
approach to avoidance. Fixing such dynamics is the subject of
many a marriage manual, including a new ebook just written by
this author. But fixing such troubles requires more than
simply pointing out maladaptive behavior, like yelling, failing
to put away our socks, etc. It also requires digging a little
into our past patterns, especially the unconscious ones about
which we have little conscious awareness, unless prompted.
Prompting is what most couples start doing at this stage,
and it does not always go well. Couples argue, usually about
the yelling or the socks, but what is really contaminating the
relationship is the crummy deep stuff working its way up to the
surface; that is, increasingly playing out on the stage of daily
experiences. These are the expectations or bad behavior
patterns learned earlier in life, now projected onto our
partners, more or less automatically. These can be quite
bothersome and usually crescendo into not just arguments, but
fights, or worse. This is why couples fail to communicate and
relationships in general, fail. Couples fail to address the
deep stuff, thinking that talking about the superficial issue(s)
is sufficient. It is not.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Fourth Power

The Fourth Power

This is another article in a series on self-esteem,
of which there are four parts, or Powers, as I call them.
The First major component of self-esteem is Worth, which
I call the First Power. The Second Power is Competence.
Both of these have been discussed in other articles, some
of which are on this specific article directory.
The Third Power is Ego Strength, and it is comprised of
two parts, Assertiveness and Thick Skinnedness. The Fourth
Power is Self-Acceptance, which is the topic in this article.
Self-Acceptance follows from and is usually the last to
fully develop of the Four Powers. It can surface early in
one's interpersonal development, but to fully flower, it needs
to have some time and to emerge from the successful
negotiation of the first Three Powers.
Self-Acceptance is the full acknowledgement of one's
total good and bad qualities without judgment. It requires
a full accounting of one's experiences, good or bad. This
is why it needs a little time to fully manifest, because
without testing one's abilities over time and allowing for
circumstances, Self-Acceptance is not replete.
This differs from just ignoring one's lesser-developed
qualities, which is more akin to suppression, or worse,
repression. When ignoring the "deep stuff," as I like to
call it, we distance ourselves from the richness of life.
And, while on the surface this mimics "going with the flow"
or being kind to oneself as in self-accepting, in reality
we are fooling ourselves. On the surface it appears to be
self-accepting but really what we are doing is avoiding
something.
True self-acceptance is allowing all of our experiences
to be in awareness and "then" going with the flow. Notice
this does not mean agreeing that we have certain traits or
qualities. Self-acceptance implies that we have a level of
comfort with these qualities, regardless of their merit.
So, Self-Acceptance does not depend upon having only
good qualities or experiences. It does not matter whether
one is a success or not. I have known many executives who
have status, power, money, and things and yet do not accept
themselves. Frequently they are always striving for something
better and are not quite content with what they have achieved,
outside or inside their psyches. The opposite has been true
in my psychology practice. I have known individuals who by
all outward definitions are complete slobs. They dress poorly,
use poor grammar, have no money or discernible skills, are
overweight and were missing several teeth. None of these
things mattered. They were completely comfortable inside
their own skin. They had self-acceptance.
How does this occur? Why would someone be OK with
himself or herself when they have nothing going for them,
when someone who has everything is unhappy? The answer is
not so much cognitive; rather, it is conative. Conative refers
to one's emotional attachment to ideas, which can be good or bad.
In our personal histories, we all have had zillions of
experiences. The key to understanding Self-Acceptance is in
understanding the emotional associations we have made to those
events. These associations can be good or bad, but are not
usually about the events themselves. They are more connected to
the persons in our environments who formed an emotional experience
with us, which later is paired with the events or experiences.
In other words, Self-Acceptance emerges when our feelings are
positive and associated to the person who engendered the positive
feelings first, then, second; these are paired with other things
(events, thoughts, achievements, or other cognitive messages).
Create positive associations to anyone of significance, and the
connection to other, later-occurring events becomes positive by proxy.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

The Third Power, Part II

The Third Power, Part II

This is another article in a series on self-esteem,
of which there are four parts, or Powers, as I call them.
The First major component of self-esteem is basic Worth,
which is the First Power. The Second Power is Competence.
Both of these have been discussed in other articles, some
of which are on this specific article directory.
The Third Power is Ego Strength, and it is comprised of two
parts, Assertiveness and Thick Skinnedness. In this article
I address the second part in this article.
Thick Skinnedness ("TS") is the result of becoming
assertive and it is the midpoint in personal development
between Competence and the development of the Fourth Power,
which is Self-Acceptance. TS is not merely insensitivity to
the world around us, although on the surface it may appear so.
Those of us who seem impervious to insult or have such thick
skin that nothing bothers us appear to have developed TS.
However, there are many maladaptive states that, on the surface,
appear this way. Personality disorders, intoxication,
extreme fatigue are a few that come to mind. In these states,
it does not really matter what goes on around us. We do not
care so much, so it looks like we are not bothered.
These states are still pathological, and cannot positively
contribute to a health state of self-esteem.
No, the TS referenced here is about remaining connected to
the world, yet processing the "inputs" of the world in a
different, more effective way. One can remain wholly involved
with the world, be sensitive and responsive yet also experience TS.
One way of doing this is mindfulness, which is a very popular
term in outpatient psychotherapy these days. Mindfulness is
about processing events in your sensorium (consciousness,
sensory experience, quality of thoughts, etc.) to the fullest
extent. However, in the mindful state, we do not form the usual
attachments to our experience. It is more like watching the
movie of your own experience in a movie theatre. You are in the
front seat, watching your experience on the screen in front of you.
You fully participate because it is about you, but you also
have distance from the primary experience because you are in the
front seat, not in the picture.
Cognitive and other meditative-oriented therapists sometimes
call this witnessing, or monitoring. In this state, we fully
experience life. What we do not do is get stuck in any particular
experience so that our perceptions, appreciation and enjoyment of
life stops. This is different than avoidance, distancing,
non-attachment or detachment. These latter states are characterized
by not fully participating in life's present moment.
Enjoyment is less.
Both overall states (mindfulness vs. "other"), on the surface,
appear to manifest Thick Skinnedness. The former produces such
outer behaviors because of effectively processing each moment's
experience, then releasing it or yielding to the next moment's
experience. Think of this as writing on water with your finger.
The water does show what is written, but "holds on" to it only a
very fleeting minute, after which the water becomes flat again.
It registered, then released. Similarly, in the mindfulness
state of mind, awareness does the same with experience.
On the surface, there is less reaction, hence the appearance of TS.
In contrast the distanced, disconnected state fails to produce fully appreciation, hence enjoyment or even basic "processing" of experience.
This detracts from life's experience. It reduces perceptual richness,
even though on the surface there appears to be the same TS.
This qualitative distinction is crucial for the development of
healthy TS, which is neither non-reactivity nor reduced enjoyment
of life. When done effectively, this second part of the Third Power
greatly increases self-esteem, which is described in much greater
detail in my ebook, entitled, The Four Powers of Self-Esteem.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

The Third Power, Part I

The Third Power, Part I

This is another article in a series on self-esteem,
of which there are four parts, or Powers, as I call them.
The First major component of self-esteem is basic Worth,
which is the First Power. The Second Power is Competence.
Both of these have been discussed in other articles,
some of which are on this specific article directory.
The Third Power is Ego Strength, and it is comprised of
two parts, Assertiveness and Thick Skinnedness. I'll
address the first part in this article.
Assertiveness is comprised of five steps. The first
is knowing what we think and feel. Without an awareness
of what goes on in our heads, there is little to know, much
less express. Most of the time we have lots of thoughts
and then some of the thoughts engender feelings. This is
the grist for our mills, so to speak. This is the working
material with which we will assert ourselves, or not.
The second step of assertiveness is about deciding whether
what we think or feel is important. If our thoughts come
and go and they have little import, they rank low in
importance. We will not do much with these thoughts or
feelings because they do not show up on the radar screen.
We have them and unconsciously thing, "No big deal."
Sometimes, feelings register with more intensity and it
occurs to us that we may want to say something about them,
or maybe do something about them. When this occurs, we
encounter step three of assertiveness. I call it planning
your work, because it is about fantasizing and planning how
we might express ourselves, not that we have something I
mportant to express. We might say something to someone,
or send an email, or do something dastardly (which would be
aggressive, not assertive). Regardless, we make a plan.
Once having decided on a course of action, we do it.
This is step four, working our plan. Once, done, we then
have some sense of resolution. Right? This is step five,
feedback. If "things" went well, we have closure and
proceed to the next thought or feeling. If what we said
or did not go so well, we have the option to drop it
(give up, re-prioritize, etc.) or try again, saying or doing
something different (back to step three). Feedback is just
about assessing our success and deciding whether or not we
are done with that particular thought or feeling.
I rushed through the five steps of assertiveness because
I've written other articles about this specific subject, and
also because I wrote a separate whole ebook on just this
subject, detailing and elaborating on these and many related
principles, including how to be assertive. For now, it is
important to recognize that assertiveness plays a crucial role
in developing self-esteem. Without speaking up one does not
have a sense of self or other-mastery. Without doing things
that compliment our desires, our lives lack fulfillment.
This is not just true psychologically. It resonates through
our physical lives, at all levels.
If we fail to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings
(step one), we do injustice to our true experiences. This
invalidates self. If we fail to express ourselves, we have
similar experiences, most of the time. There are exceptions
to the latter because sometimes it is enough to just fully
experience ourselves in the moment (mindfulness) without
burdening others with descriptions of our inner experiences.
If we habitually devalue our thoughts and feelings even if
they are clear, up front and present, we still experience
diminution of self. We are saying to ourselves, "Nice
thought or feeling-so what?" In this scenario, we are not
very important, despite the richness of our inner experience.
If we fail to develop a plan of action to express
ourselves, again, we devalue ourselves. This time, the venue
is not so much internal as external. We fail to fully
interact with the real work, that real outside of our inner
zone. This tends to reinforce introversion, which by itself
is not so bad, but as a psychological habit, is less
interactive with others. Interacting with others is how we
initially formed a self-esteem in the first place.
Continued interaction with others is necessary to maintain a
normal self-esteem.

Dr. Griggs.

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

The Second Power Revisited

The Second Power Revisited

The Second Power is the second of the four foundations of
self-esteem. Each foundation or "Power" is a dimension or aspect
of experiences. Self-esteem is the aggregate or big experience
of all the powers as they interact. Together, they comprise
self-esteem, which is what I call an epiphenomenon.
In other words, an epiphenomenon is what emerges when all the
phenomena are engaged. Self-esteem is comprised of Four Powers.
In other articles, I've written about the First Power (Worth) and
in future articles I'll hopefully deal with the Third and
Fourth Powers (Ego-Strength and Self-Acceptance).
The Second Power is Competence. This is what we do with our
lives, given the foundation of genes and culture and family.
Competence is how we use our natural gifts, how our talents have
been shaped and what we have developed. We come to think of
ourselves, partly based upon what we have done and how we are
compared to others. Our abilities are relative, but our thoughts
about our skills are shaped by not only our real abilities but
also by what others have told us, or what we have told ourselves
based upon our own experiences or our interpretations of those
experiences as shaped by the opinions of others.
For example, we might think of ourselves as being good spellers.
Our family told us we have this ability and we can certainly spell
better than our younger brothers or sisters. Then we go to school.
We may, in fact, still be good spellers, but we may also not be as
good as another student. Now, our sense of spelling (competence)
is modified by reality. Other students beat us on spelling bees
and we feel bad when we have to sit down after missing a word.
What do we do?
Competence is partly dependent upon our natural abilities and,
it is very much dependent upon what we do with that ability.
In this example, we go home, share our upset with our mother,
who comforts us. If she is wise, our mother's will also instruct
us on becoming better spellers. So, instead of watching so much TV,
we rehearse spelling words, using flash cards or bribing older
brothers or sisters to help in some way. We then get better at
spelling, and sooner or later in class, we do better. We have come
to realistically assess our ability at spelling and the effort we
have to make to maximize our talents. This is realistic competence
and will form the backbone of how we deal with other abilities,
thus coloring our self-esteems in this one dimension (competence).
Unfortunately, this can work the other way. Suppose we have
abilities but in class, we just happen to miss an easy word.
This can happen for a zillion reasons that do not necessarily mean
we are crummy spellers. But, if we interpret missing an easy word
as evidence that we are, in fact, poor spellers, then we will assess
ourselves as poor spellers internally and will get negative feedback
about our spelling ability externally. We have lost confidence,
which is usually interpreted to mean we are not competent in
this area. This will also color how we interpret other skill areas
and influence our self-esteems.
The worst scenarios occur when we are either skilled in an area
and are told we are not, or worse, we have little or no skills in an
area and are told we are gifted. Both sabotage the realistic
assessment of our competence, and our self-esteem. Unfortunately,
in these two situations, self-esteem is unrealistically clobbered or
inflated. In the first example, self-esteem fails to develop
because there are actual abilities that go unrecognized.
In the second example, we develop a false sense of self-esteem that
sooner or later will cause grief to us or someone else.
To adjust self-esteem, it is necessary to assess all four
powers. In this instance, we have been examining how the
Second Power contributes, and why it is very important.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

The Second Power of Self-Esteem

The Second Power of Self-Esteem

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I treat many
disorders, some clinical, some "general." Self-Esteem is not
found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
as a "formal" illness, but we all know it pervades everyday
activities and interactions with others. I've treated low
self-esteem for years, and have even written an ebook detailing
its components and how it evolves. There are Four Powers,
as I call them.
The first is Worth. I've written other articles about this,
posted in this and other article directories. Worth is about our
basic assumptions, gleaned from our earliest experiences.
Worth is about our fundamental orientation to the world in which
we live, intertwined with how we are in that world. Are we good?
Are we bad? Do we deserve to have lots of things and to have a
good life? Or, are we doomed? But, The focus of this article
is on the Second Power, which generally follows from how we deal
with the First Power.
The Second Power of self-esteem is Competence. Competence
is about our actual abilities, as we judge ourselves internally
and as we are judged by others when comparing ourselves with others.
Competence is about being able to run faster than others when we
were kids. It is about getting better grades on math tests or
being more pretty or handsome. Competence is about getting
promotions faster or bigger raises, or being better at any ability
with anyone in any venue.
Competence is also about achievement, especially when we do
not think we have real abilities, or when our abilities are judged
to be just "so-so." Think "Rocky," as in the Sylvester Stallone
movie. He was not such a great fighter and came from a poor
neighborhood, yet, look what he accomplished. He took an inchoate
ability, developed it through hard work and perseverance, and then
triumphed over the evil Apollo Creed. But achieving achievement
is not the only or even the best goal when developing Competence.
Most of us are good at some things and mediocre at far more
things. Some of us are downright inept at some things.
Some of us are very good, or even brilliant at a few things.
This is the nature of the human condition. What we think about
this configuration of our abilities determines how we develop our
native talents, and not surprisingly, how much we improve our
self-esteems in the area of Competence. And, one does not
actually have to be brilliant at any one thing to have a high
self-esteem in this "second" area.
All one has to do is think that they have talent and to accept
that this is a "relative" state of affairs, not an absolute one.
In other words, when we think that we can do things, probably at
least average or maybe even a little better than average, we
position ourselves, relatively speaking, to other people in our
world, and do so in a benign way, psychologically. Such thinking,
as it turns out, is very adaptive, healthy, not egocentric
(think narcissistic), nor destructive with respect to others or
ourselves. It allows us to fail with dignity because of lowered
yet realistic expectations, but leaves ample room to excel; that is,
develop what abilities we have without putting undue pressure on
ourselves. When there is real talent, this "attitude" allows it
to manifest without so much ego involvement. And, because we
think of Competence in this way, we appreciate what we have without
needing to be so competitive with others, or ourselves thus avoiding
the tendency we all have to put ourselves down.
In other articles, I'd like to explore this Second Power more
but also explore different dimensions of the two remaining Powers
(Ego-Strength and Self-Acceptance).

Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

More On The Second Power

More On The Second Power

This is another article about the Four Powers of Self-Esteem.
Previous articles dealt with the First Power. To review, the
First Power is about Worth; that is, the basic core values we all
carry about ourselves regarding our worthiness. Are we moral,
intelligent, good looking, athletic, capable of earning a living,
etc.? Or, are we fundamentally flawed, defective, morally corrupt?
These are values we got from our primary caretakers when we were
growing up. As we mature, these core orientations are modified by
life's experiences. Our basic philosophical inculcations are
molded and shaped by our genetics and social feedback.
The Second Power follows from the first. The Second Power is
Competence. We may have been taught that we are good, moral,
(or their opposites), but as we live, the realities of these
teachings about us, for good or bad, are forged on the anvil of
experience. As we move out of our primary zone (parents and family),
sooner or later we start comparing ourselves to others in more
distant zones (neighbors, pre-school children or school peers
themselves). Are we as smart (really...) as other kids in our
class? Can we run as fast? Do we finish tests before others?
What grades do we make? Are we pretty or handsome? Are we popular?
Where do we stand in our social ranking? These are questions
that define our competence. At some point the feedback we get from
those in our environment shapes our perceptions of our real abilities.
At some point we decide that we have competence in some area(s).
At some point this become our truth.
What do we do with this information? Well, one of the ways we
act when around others is to identify with others or to set ourselves
off from others. We share some of the traits and abilities of others
or we are different (better, worse, inferior, superior...). This
differentiation sets us apart from others when we are different and
lets us empathize with others when we are the same. Both revolve
around Competence, because there is implied or actual comparisons we
make about ourselves in relations to what others have or what others
are doing. This becomes the basis for our assessment of our own
abilities, which is the core of Competence thinking. We then go out
into the world with this condensed version of our abilities, knowing
we are smart or dumb, good looking or not. We wear this on our
sleeves, so to speak, projecting this "orientation" onto others,
situations, and social interactions.
Deficits in the First Power are hard to rectify on their own
level. If we think of ourselves as fundamentally flawed, which is
more akin to the First Power, changing is harder because the concept
is so broad. Deficits in the Second Power are a little easier to
rectify. If we think we are just poor at spelling, remedying this
is easier because it is more specific. We practice spelling and
there is some relief from feeling we are a poor speller when that
first "A" comes on a spelling test. It may take lots of practice
and better grades on lots of spelling tests to fix the basic
assumption that we are crummy spellers, but eventually this will
resolve.
To use this specific example, the difference between the
First Power and Second Power is that in the first, we think of
ourselves as fundamentally flawed; that is, unable to become a good
speller. In Second Power thinking, we think that we are poor
spellers, but that we are able to learn to spell, thus become good
spellers. In the first instance, there is a basic flaw. In the
second there is a lack of developed ability. One cannot be fixed,
the other can.
In this way, it is much easier to address the psychological
precursors of a crummy self-esteem if we look at "local" events
rather than distant ones; that is ability-specific skills rather
than big, general default values.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

What is an Anchor Concept?

What is an Anchor Concept?

If we have a low self-esteem, we probably have real or
imagined disabilities; that is, groupings of associations and
thoughts that say we are not capable or this or that.
We likely suffer from zillions of messages gleaned over time
that say we can't do stuff or aren't good as people, or lack
something.
In fact, there are four main areas that define self-esteem.
I call them the Four Powers. They are Worth, Competence,
Ego Strength and Self-Acceptance. If we have a low self-esteem,
one or more of the Four Powers is involved. We imagine we are
"deficient" in one or more of these areas, and then feel bad,
present to others poorly and generally personally suffer.
To repair such a state, one must understand how self-esteem
forms. It is no easy task to completely map out the development
of self-esteem, although I have provided a more complete outline
of the process in a recently released ebook on this subject.
For now it is important to focus on feeling crummy, and how to
fix or at least alter the sensations associated with low
self-esteem.
Fortunately, I came up with a technique that addresses just
this experience. It took me ten years of looking at people very
closely as an outpatient psychologist, but I did evolve an
approach that works. I call it the "Anchor Concept."
The Anchor Concept corrects deficits in Self-Esteem,
regardless of whether the problem stems from any or all of the
Powers. It involves finding at least one really positive,
absolutely true quality or ability about you, no matter how big
or small. To be an Anchor Concept, it has to be self-evident to
you, or really, really true and positive from someone else's
point of view. Further, it has to be inviolate. That means
no one can take it away because it is absolutely true, here, now,
and anywhere.
For example, let's say we can't do well on math tests, but
there is absolutely no question that we are good at skiing.
Our Anchor Concept is that we are good at skiing. What do math
tests and skiing have to do with each other? Nothing.
Anchor Concepts need not be related to anything else. They just
have to exist and to produce very positive feelings when we think
of them. We are going to use the feeling, not the thought to
change self-esteem. Here's how.
We take the Anchor Concept and literally just "sit in it;"
meaning, think about it and enjoy the good feelings it produces.
Because it is absolutely true and a BIG thing in our psyche's,
sitting in the anchor experience produces some positive emotion(s).
In the above example, we think of skiing. We may experience being
happy, but maybe also being serene, secure, powerful, etc.
Now, at the same time, we also bring up; that is, on purpose think
of whatever it is that bugs us. In this case, it is doing poorly
at math. This will produce a less than happy emotion. It may be
sadness, anger or simple frustration. We hold our attention on
both thoughts simultaneously, if possible, which produces different
and not very compatible feelings.
The positive feeling will be bigger, subjectively, than the
negative feeling. We now just "sit" in the differences between
the two feelings, dwelling on both thoughts simultaneously
(skiing and being poor at math). What happens is that the bigger
feeling "wins;" meaning, it dominates the smaller feeling.
Because the Anchor Concept, by definition, is positive and very
large in our minds, it dominates the smaller negative feeling,
which by definition, is usually smaller.
In this technique, most of us find ourselves struggling with
simultaneously holding both thoughts in our minds. So, most of
us will go back and forth between skiing and math thoughts.
It does not matter, because with each thought, the feeling we have
changes, so the two feelings still get paired, only more
sequentially. Happiness takes turns with anger, but happiness
is still bigger and now it is paired with anger, which is smaller.
The result is that the smaller negative feeling yields to the
larger positive feeling, more and more with each application of
this technique. The smaller feeling loses its charge, hence
influence over us because it literally is being dominated and,
as it turns out, absorbed by the better larger feeling. Being
crummy at math loses its charge over us and our self-esteem
proportionally improves. In this way, self-esteem begins to be
re-worked, from the inside out. Details and an in-depth
explanation of this process are available.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

The Second Power

The Second Power

In previous articles, I wrote about the Four Powers of Self-Esteem.
The first Power is Worth, and has to do with our upbringing from day one. It mostly reflects early-in-life experiences, largely resulting from messages gleaned from parents. It ties to religion, philosophy of
the world and chronic expectations based upon "how it went" when we
were very, very young. This Power, and the foundation concepts to
follow from the other Powers help us negotiate later life events.
How we "are" in the midst of any life event largely relates to how
we "were" early on, and how our parents or caregivers took care us,
or left us to fend for ourselves.
The Second Power is Competence. This has to do with actual abilities.
It has to do with talents in any area(s). Can you run faster than
anyone else? Do you achieve more in school, earn better grades, get more
involved in clubs? Do you balance your checkbook with less errors? Are
you good at your job? Do you get more promotions than others? Can you
sing or are you good at music? Are you able to repair things? Can you
write? Are you good with people? Competence tends to be about
constitutional ability modified by training and/or education or life
experience. These are all real abilities; "things" that speak to competence.
If you do not think you have any "real" abilities, life is going to be tough,
because central to these experiences is the surfacing of our core experience
of self. Self-Esteem is either self-evident from past ways of think
(First Power) or it relates to practical or functional abilities (Power Two).
In some way, the sense of self interacts with the environment, nearly
one hundred percent in the beginning (the greatest influence being from the
environment that created The First Power), less so as we grow up and become
independent. As we find out about ourselves, the Second Power comes into
focus. We offset our awareness of ourselves by contrasting our abilities
with those of others. We thus get a sense of how we fit in, for better or
worse.
If the "inputs" we get about ourselves at primary levels are negative
(the basis of The First Power), we can partially offset the damage by
extolling our competence (the basis of The Second Power). We call this
compensation, but it usually does not really deal with what we are
compensating. For example, if we come from a divorced family and we,
as the child, were blamed for the parental separation, our fundamental
judgment about ourselves might be that we are troublemakers, or just
bad children. Later, we might find out that we are good athletes or can
excel in school. We become better children when we excel, even though the
fundamental assumption (more at the core levels) is that we are still bad
people, just compensating.
It is very common for people to use the Second Power to compensate the
First Power. Over-compensation can be found everywhere. Frequently extreme
striving is about burying laziness. People over-react in extreme ways that
are the opposite of what they deeply fear. If a mother overdoes it taking
care of her newborn, she may fear that deep down she is a bad mother.
This is the natural extension of being a bad person, so having a baby makes
up for it, especially if the newborn turns out to be OK. Demosthenese
(c. 340 B.C) was a Greek orator who put pebbles in his mouth and practiced
speaking out loud over the waves on the beach. He got good at it
(developing the Second Power). This allegedly was to compensate a speech
defect (crummy First Power). Does this mean that all super-achievers are
compensating for crummy core experiences? No. Nevertheless, one would be
surprised that more of these over-achievers are burdened by lousy core
experiences than one might image.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

Self Image And Confidence Are Related

Self Image And Confidence Are Related

In my over-twenty-year practice as an outpatient psychologist,
I hear from individuals with low self-esteem virtually every day. It
conspires with every aspect of their lives, most notably their
relationships. Self-esteem collides with job performance, raises,
promotions, and work locations--the bottom line being quality of life.
It is a full-sized topic.
I think of self-esteem as being built of four foundation
experiences. I call them Powers. They can be found in an online ebook
I have written about how these are developed from our early overall
experiences and
how they show up in just about every later-life experience.
There is a self-test to glean which of the four Powers is
strength and which is a weakness. Commonly we use the stronger
ones to compensate the weaker one(s). Occasionally we just focus on
remediation of just one Power. In any case, once diagnosed, the
psychological work begins.
Confidence comes from having a good self-esteem, which can emerge
from any one of the four Powers. The first Power is Worth.
It customarily reflects early-in-life experiences, largely derivative from
messages derived from experiences from parents. It ties to religion,
philosophy of
the world and chronic expectations based upon "how it went" when we
were very, very young. This Power, and the foundation concepts to
follow from the other Powers help us deal with later life events.
How we "are" in the throes of any life event largely relates to how
we "were" early on, and how our parents or caregivers nurtured us,
or left us to fend for ourselves.
Central to these experiences is the surfacing of our core
experience of self. It is either worth something or dysfuntional in
some way. The sense of self interacts with the environment, nearly
one hundred percent in the beginning, less so as we grow up and become
self-ruling. At any stage, it has value or is often hurt by life events.
In the latter case, there is doubt about self-worth.
Lack of confidence is the subjective experience resulting from
lack of basic worth. If we did not cope well in early life, or if
we feel that support is lacking in adversity, then there is
proportional anxiety about future events. Even in "the present,"
there is anxiety because skulking around in the background is that ever-vague
but pressuring feeling that something is incorrect. "Something will go
wrong or perhaps it is just me that is wrong," are comments I
frequently hear. The former is more of a response to early adverse
circumstances. The latter is a direct reflection of thoughts of
poor self-worth.
This is only one of the four Powers, any one of which can
contribute to the experience of poor self-esteem. I picked this one
to initially focus on because it is the first in line, so to speak;
meaning, the formation of this Power occurs earlier in our
developmental timeline and usually forms the foundation upon which
most of the other Powers build. In future articles, there will be
discussions of the other three Powers.
In short, to build confidence, first we need a foundation of self
that is worth something. Put negatively, lack of confidence reflects
deficits in our early environment, but more importantly, our
relationship to the experiences in that early time. What we
"came away with" is relatively stable even though the events that
formed our impressions have passed. The core of this identity we
call self, and its relative value we call esteem.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

Don't Be Shy With Assertiveness

Don't Be Shy With Assertiveness

As an outpatient psychologist with a well established private
practice, clients often ask me, "How do I become assertive?"
The short answer is "speak up." The convincing answer is we
first have to get the picture what assertiveness is and what it is not.
Let me attend to the last part first.
Assertiveness is not aggression. It is not yelling, name
calling or doing anything physically violent. It is not about
getting in someone's space or place if they do not invite us.
It is not about other's property.
Neither is assertiveness about being passive. That involves
not saying or doing things in an indirect way, but still having an
underhanded intent. Such statements blur messages on purpose;
confusing the recipient into thinking the intent is something it
is not. Manipulating falls into this category.
Being non-assertive is different from being passive. The difference is
that choosing to not speak up is very up front, conscious and has no
ulterior motives. It is not manipulation, just the choice to not
respond. Sometimes this is the better choice, like when our boss is mad at
us, yet we would
like to have a promotion Or, how about when the mortgage company says they
are foreclosing... Not speaking
at that time is judicious, and choosing to not assert our point of
view is wise.
Assertiveness is about speaking up in a exact way, stating
what you want and using "I" statements. "I would like to have that cake" is
an assertive statement. "That cake would sure look
nice on my plate" is a semi-assertive statement. "My, how good
that cake looks" is not an assertive statement. "That cake would
make me feel better about you" is a manipulative statement.
Saying nothing about cake because we do not want any is choosing
to just not be assertive.
Assertiveness involves five steps. In my ebook on this, I explain
them in detail and how they flow from one to the
other, each needing to be completed before the next. For this
article, here's a quick summary. Step One is asking yourself what
are you thinking or feeling. Step Two is about validating that
your thoughts and/or feelings are valid and important. Step Three
is thinking and planning how we might express ourselves, assuming
we get through Step Two and actually think what we have to say is
important enough to say or do something about. Step Four is
actually executing the plan; that is, doing what we fantasized in
Step Three. Step Five is feedback. How did it go? If we
achieved some satisfaction, we are done with that thought. If not,
it is back to Step One.
This may seem a little summary like, but each of us goes through at
least the first two steps with every thought and/or feeling. Those
thoughts and/or feelings that are significant; that is, rise to some
higher level in our awareness, are considered more and are more
likely to motivate us to consider doing something about. This is
Step Three, which once employed, usually carries us through to
completion (Step Five). This process is automatic and very, very
fast. It is usually unconscious; that is, out of everyday
awareness, automatic and usually psychologically reflexive
(patterned, rehearsed responses that we chalk up as mental habits).
Pushing yourself to be assertive is about realizing the steps that are
involved and how we each follow them. If we do so without thinking,
then assertiveness is hit or miss, depending upon our early training.
We inherit most of these thought patterns from our parents, which
could be good or bad. The key to becoming assertive is to become
aware of the above and practice it a few times. Usually people
see the benefit and are motivated to continue.
There is always a contingent of folks who dispute and claim
being assertive is a bad thing. It generates conflict, and therefore does
not work,
is a waste of time, etc. In my ebook, I address a very long list
of reasons people create why we should not be assertive. Some of
them are quite creative, but all of them lack basis. I explain all
of this is seriousness and detail. In my view, assertiveness is a very
clear-cut skill and is one of the easiest to acquire. Once practiced,
assertiveness spreads out in the psyche and positively influences
more experiences than the reader can imagine, starting with decreasing
anxiety and depression and increasing self-esteem.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

Test Anxiety In Focus

Test Anxiety In Focus

Test Anxiety is one of the frequently complained about and most
universal manifestations of the overall experience of anxiety, which everyone,
sooner or later, undergoes.
What is anxiety? Anxiety is about fearing to go into things out of our
control. It does not matter if the feared situation is external, like not
doing well on
tests, or whether it is internal, like not being able to control our
feelings. The personal experience of anxiety is the same.
We feel a indefinable sense of apprehension, which if allowed to form,
crescendos into something that can be quite excruciating .
The most accessible cure for such an event is to stop thinking what
we are thinking. The protective strategy is that whatever it is that
stimulates anxiety should be avoided. Then again, if it is the
environment in which we find ourselves, the simplest solution is
to leave. These are quick fixes for anxiety, and often work when
the anxiety is low, or when we can control what we think or where
we are.
However, other kinds of anxiety are not so easy to limit.
Test taking anxiety is about being not ready for a test, or
having to do really well "or else." One cannot just leave the
state of affairs behind or just go away, physically.
To manage this particular form of anxiety, one has to first ascertain
what specifically triggers the fear. (BTW, anxiety is usually
thought of as unfocused fear; that is, we are afraid of something
but just do not know of what. Since test anxiety is specific, we
might just as well label it test fear, not test anxiety.) It could
be lots of things. Have you not studied enough so you fear just not
knowing enough answers? Are you competing with others who you
perceive to be better trained, or smarter? Is there a bigger
outcome if you do not do well? (Think final exams vs.
mid-term quizzes.)
To manage test anxiety, as with most experiences of anxiety, try to
break the experience down into less significant categories. Think baby
steps,
in popular or colloquial speech. As with most things, the smaller the steps
are the easier they are to control. Moreover, try not to think of
the ultimate outcome; rather, focus on the actual steps, letting
them add up one by one. It does not take long to become conscious of the
smaller
steps are manageable. Without thinking of the final goal, managing
smaller steps inevitably leads to the bigger goal, which is to reduce
test anxiety, in this case from the inside out.
Here is an example. Suppose there are eleven chapters to master
before a final exam. You could be concerned about the degree of material,
fretting that with so many chapters, surely there will be something to
forget, hence lower your grade. Or, you could focus solely on
Chapter One. The idea is to be "in the moment" with a smaller step,
in this case paying attention to only one chapter. Just deal with that,
and then ask your roommate, parent or significant other to quiz you if
there are no quizzes at the back of the chapter. Master one chapter.
When this is finished, you have lowered your anxiety a bunch.
Does not seem like much? Study Chapter Two and do the same thing,
while reviewing Chapter One. Now you have mastered more,
plus gotten a sense that this project is doable, and so on.
Sadly, many people do not stay in the moment, nor do they
break their experiences down into controllable units. These are the
people who are prone to take on anxiety disorders proper, of which
there are many. If you think this is your experience, this author
has written an ebook that shows you exactly how to assess your own
experience of anxiety, and a lot more, especially if you are a
do-it-yourself type.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Here's What A Psychologist thinks About Bad Kid's Behavior

Here's What A Psychologist thinks About Bad Kid's Behavior

As an outpatient child psychologist, I often am asked what
are the most displeasing problems with kids. Here's my list:
"Yelling, Doesn't clean room, Doesn't obey (defiance), Ignores
me or Talks back, Disrespectful, Runs around too much (hyper),
Lies, Verbally or otherwise manipulates, Whines, Critical of
others, Plays too many electronic games, Poor grades, Destroys
things, Physical fighting or is aggressive in general,
Impulsivity, Noisy, Distractible, Curses, Lazy, Temper tantrums,
Selfish, Dawdling, Isn't trustworthy."
Does that seem like too many things? These are general categories and
there are a million "particulars" or variations on each theme.
These represent about ninety percent of the complaints parents
expound uponwhen they visit a professional in this area.
So, what do we do with such a variety of concerns? The
first thing is to recognize that these behaviors actually have a
purpose (other than to destroy peace and quiet). Superficially,
they may simply ground out tension, which feels good afterwards
but not necessarily during the "episode." Getting even is another
"popular" reason to act out. It feels good to have others
suffer, too. These behaviors may be designed to communicate
something. Usually this is a "change it" message, not obviously understood.
Kids do not usually have very good ways of
communicating their feelings, wishes, etc., but they sure can act
out with immediacy and intensity.
Paradoxically, many children act out just to get parents to set
some limits. Yes, that's correct. Kids in point of fact need limits and
will
test caregivers to see where the parents set those limits. It is
not particularly rational,but children need to know what territory is
not dangerous and what is not. Setting a limit establishes this and
doing so makes actually makes the child's anxiety go down, even
though the parent probably said, "No" to something (hence, the
paradoxical part...). Young people will in reality act out to get the
parent to set a limit. In general, these seemingly crummy behaviors may
be the only way kids can tell parents that something needs
adjusting. Our task as parents is to figure out what is the
message.
How do we do that? A very vital aspect of children's
behavior is the feeling it expresses. One of the first things
I teach children is a vocabulary of their feelings. I teach
them what words go with what feelings. If they are very young,
I use a chart that has sixteen feeling words. Above each
feeling word is a face illustrating that specific feeling.
Kids usually cannot come up with a word to describe their
feelings, but they right away can distinguish the right face.
They point to it and I read the word. Bingo! They have an
instant vocabulary (of one word) for that feeling. As I said,
kids do not do this effortlessly, unless they have an exceptional
parent that regularly verbalizes feelings. I rarely
(almost never) see parents do this.
Then I make it very gratifying for children to start using
those words, out loud, in a sentence rather than cut up.
For young kids, a Star Chart suffices. Its entertaining fun and
can be very creative, not to mention rewarding for the child.
Kids get a star when they say the right word. Later, stars can
be exchanged for prizes. Parents like it because it bonds the
family and creates a sense of working together. Now there is
a sense of family cooperation that is rewarded with each good
behavior.
Older children (about eleven or older) are not as interested . They
like video games or "screen time" (any electronic activity). Parents cannot
treat them in the
same regressive manner, but older kids still can be "shaped."
Older kids want gear. They want the latest designer clothes.
They want to be taken to the mall. They want their own cell
phones. They want later bedtimes and curfews. These are their
versions of stars and parents can negotiate with older kids about
how many of these things they get in proportion to how much
effective communication (vs. acting out) the parent gets.
-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

What We Need To Know About Kid's Behavior Problems

What We Need To Know About Kid's Behavior Problems

As a psychologist who works in an outpatient setting, I often
am asked what are the most often-reported problems with kids.
my list:

"Yelling, Doesn't clean room, Doesn't obey (defiance), Ignores
me or Talks back, Disrespectful, Runs around too much (hyper),
Lies, Verbally or otherwise manipulates, Whines, Critical of
others, Plays too many electronic games, Poor grades, Destroys
things, Physical fighting or is aggressive in general,
Impulsivity, Noisy, Distractible, Curses, Lazy, Temper tantrums,
Selfish, Dawdling, Isn't trustworthy."
That covers a lot. These are common categories and
there are a million "particulars" or variations on each theme.
These represent about ninety percent of the complaints parents
offer when they visit the likes of me.
So, what do we do with such a list of bad behaviors? The
first thing is to recognize that these behaviors actually have a
purpose (other than to make parents miserable). Ostensibly,
they may simply decrease anxiety, which feels good afterwards
but not necessarily during the "episode." Getting even is another
"popular" reason to act out. It feels good to have others
suffer, too. These behaviors may be designed to communicate
something. Usually this is a "change it" message, not well articulated.

Kids do not usually have very good ways of
articulating their feelings, wishes, etc., but they sure can act
out with immediacy and intensity.
Strangely enough, many children act out just to get parents to set
some boundaries. I know that's hard to believe. Kids in point of fact

need limits and will test parents to see where the parents set those limits.

It is
not particularly rational, but children need to know what territory is
safe and sound and what is not. Setting a limit establishes this and
doing so makes actually makes the child's anxiety go down, even
though the parent probably said, "No" to something (hence, the
paradoxical part...). Kids will in fact act out to get the
parent to set a limit. In general, these off-putting behaviors may
be the only way kids can tell parents that something needs
tweaking. Our task as parents is to figure out what is the
message.
How do we do that? A very significant aspect of children's
behavior is the feeling it expresses. One of the first things
I teach children is a vocabulary of their feelings. I teach
them what words go with what feelings. If they are very young,
I use a chart that has sixteen feeling words. Above each
feeling word is a face showing that specific feeling.
Kids usually cannot manifest a word to describe their
feelings, but they instantly can categorize the right face.
They point to it and I read the word. Presto! They have an
instant vocabulary (of one word) for that feeling. As I said,
kids do not do this unaffectedly, unless they have an exceptional
parent who regularly verbalizes feelings. I rarely
(almost never) see parents do this.
Then I make it very rewarding for children to start using
those words, out loud, in a sentence rather than cut up (act out).
For young kids, a Star Chart suffices. Its loads of fun and
can be very creative, not to mention gratifying for the child.
Kids get a star when they say the right word. Later, stars can
be cashed in for prizes. Parents like it because it bonds the
family and creates a sense of working together. Now there is
a sense of family cooperation that is rewarded with each good
behavior.
Older kids (about eleven or older) are not as in Star Charts. They

like video games or "screen time" (any electronic activity). Parents cannot

treat them in the
same regressive manner, but older kids still can be "shaped."
Older kids want clothes or something else. They want the latest designer

clothes.
They want to be taken to the mall. They want their own cell
phones. They want later bedtimes and curfews. These are their
versions of stars and parents can negotiate with older kids about
how many of these things they get in proportion to how much
effective communication (vs. acting out) the parent gets.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

Learn To Speak Up, Assertively

Learn To Speak Up, Assertively

Assertiveness is a common term in magazines about psychology that
throws people. So, let's define it first, and then explore
what it entails.
The no-nonsense definition of assertiveness is sharing what
thought or feeling we have, with another person. Think of it as playing
a hand of cards. You have your cards facing you and your
opponent has his cards facing him. You lay your cards down,
face up on the playing table, so that he can see what you have.
You are sharing what your have. Metaphorically, you are
communicating what is your experience for another to appreciate.
This does not necessitate that the other player lay down his cards.
Being assertive does not mean the other person has to say what
his feelingis are or to communicate with you much at all.
Assertiveness in reality is you sharing something about you,
preferably in a matter-of-fact way.
Assertiveness is not aggressiveness. Whey you lay down
your cards, you do not lob your cards at your opponent. You
lay them down nicely. When conveying your experience, do so with self-
confidence or
at least just state your feeling about something or your opinion
about something without too much affect. Be straight-out and as we
psychologist are fond of saying, use "I" statements. Yelling,
name calling and/or hitting are all aggressive. Assertiveness
is not aggressive and can be accomplished even while sitting on
your hands and whispering.
your other opinions are either passivity or
non-assertiveness, but these are not the same. Passivity is
trying to accomplish something indirectly, usually manipulatively,
by communicating something related to your real feelings but not
quite exactly. It's goal is to get you to react but without
you really being cognizant of what is happening. Non-assertiveness is
simply
choosing to not react. It is direct, not indirect like passivity,
and it may or may not have a goal. Non-assertiveness is conscious (in
awareness), clear and intended to just not respond, but it is a
clear choice that does not aim to manipulate others.
In real life, assertiveness is speaking your mind and asking
for what you want. Even if you do not ask for what you want,
it feels better in the long run to at least say something out loud.
And, if you ask for what you want assertively,
the chances go up that you will get what you want. Assertiveness
is no guarantee of this, but it does increase the likelihood.
But we all know that most of us have, on occasion, failed at being
assertive. I've written a to-the-point ebook titled
The Five Steps of Assertiveness in which I outline the eleven or
so most common reasons to not be assertive. Heading the list is
the wish to avoid conflict with others. Second is the wish
to avoid dealing with one's own feelings. There are a lot of
excuses, some of them quite remarkable. However, none of these
reasons substantiate the effort to self-sabotage, which is the net
effect of not being assertive.
This same ebook outlines the really straightforward and basic steps
to follow to achieve assertiveness. I've made it as simple
as is humanly possible to be successful. In my outpatient psychology
practice, I teach this every day and believe me; it is not hard.
The benefits are huge in communicating with your
partner, decreasing anxiety and depression, and on and one.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Raise Self-Esteem

Raise Self-Esteem
Low self esteem? How should we think about this?? High self esteem?
How are they different? Self-image is a assortment of messages we have
taken in about ourselves over long periods of time. If the messages are
predominantly sunny ones, the average self-image we have, or more
specifically, our sense of esteem for ourselves, is good.
We have a good self-image. If the messages are predominantly bad ones,
the average self-image we have, or more specifically, our sense of
esteem we have for ourselves, is bad.
Self-esteem emerges out of the millions and millions of individual "
introjects" (inputs we "inculcate;" that is, take in, own, as real about
ourselves, etc. over the entire span of our lives.) It starts accumulating from
day one and does not cease evolving, for better or worse. If you consider the
dynamics of this process, believe it or not, both low and high self-esteems are
formed in the exact same way. Only the content of our minds vary, which has a
crummy effect on our moods.
In the beginning, individual dealings (thoughts, experiences, messages
taken in) have a massive impact on our self-esteems. That's because we are
vulnerable, like most children are, and also because there are less other
images in our skulls with which to average the new, incoming message. So,
one or two new messages has a greater impact on the average experience we
have about ourselves.
At the other end of life, we have millions of messages already in place,
bouncing around inside our heads, most of them neatly catalogued in the back
of our awareness. This creates a more robust, less modifiable databank.
In other words, it's harder to change self-image in older people just by putting in
new ideas, because there are already too many old ones in place.
I've developed a technique that uses some specific "mental" cognitions
to change our feelings. It turns out it's not our thoughts that change self
esteem. It's our feelings. And, feelings can be manipulated by consciously bringing
up certain strategic thoughts, thus changing the feeling (because feelings follow t
houghts in adults).
You control the thoughts and you're your feelings change. Thus, you
strategically apply the feelings, using the new feeling that comes in a
specific way. It's a combination of two surprisingly effective techniques
that work--far better than the usual superficial techniques offered in the
pop-psychology literature. It is not significant if your self-esteem has been
crummy for a little while or your whole life. You're not going to try to change
the whole ball of wax, just one thought at a time. I tell you how. It's actually
a little backwards from what you might expect. You have to start small and work
up, not think big and try to generate a trickle-down effect. The latter is what
we find in the pop-psych literature. That fails.
It also doesn't matter if your self-esteem is very, very bad or just a
little impaired. The same technique works equally well for both conditions.
But you have to understand the philosophy and techniques behind this breakthrough
idea, and for that, you have to read more of what I've written.
Hello, I've been an outpatient psychologist for over twenty years. I'
ve come across eight psychological conditions that I see every day. Self-esteem is
one of them, and it's one that permeates all the other seven. Improve self-esteem and
the others improve, too. Below are some links to take you to my webpages, where more
details are provided.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com

Anxiety and relationships

Anxiety and relationships

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I run into
anxiety in all forms, in all venues. For many, anxiety pops
up as panic, or phobia or obsessiveness, compulsiveness, or worse.
If there is a partner, guess who also bears the brunt of the
anxiety?
Well, to back track a little, obviously the person suffering
from anxiety bears the biggest burden. This person is suffering
from a painful condition that may be situation-specific
(fear of certain objects) or global; meaning pervasive.
The partner has to adjust to such a state and may find her/himself
in quite a bind when the anxious one "decompensates."
The biggest complaint I hear is that anxiety limits
functionality. That means sometimes performing even the most
basic of tasks is difficult. Going to the store may be
impossible for the anxious, but it can be a real pain in the neck
for the partner. The partner may have to do all the shopping,
or wait until just the right moment when the anxious one can leave
the house (late at night, when crowds are thin, etc.).
If we have a fear of enclosed places, driving can be a problem.
That means when we get into a car, anxiety, not us, takes over.
We may have to pull over a few times to "catch our breaths."
This does not work if we happen to be in a hurry. It may be even
worse if we are surrounded by traffic and cannot "escape." If the
anxiety is intense, we may find ourselves heading back home without
shopping. If we are the partner of such a sufferer, what do we do
and how do we cope?
It takes a unique blend of patience and understanding, coupled
with acceptance of self to cope with a partner who is impaired.
This applies to depression and other psychological states, and as
well to physical disabilities. The first quality the partner
needs to master is empathy. It is imperative that the partner
knows the condition afflicting the sufferer. Nowadays, the usual
way to find out about such matters is the Internet. Specifically,
the partner should know everything there is to know about anxiety
disorders. In whatever form, education is necessary because empathy
will not last without a thorough understanding of what causes a
disorder.
Patience evolves from understanding and empathy. It is a lot
easier to cope when we "get" what our partner experiences.
It is important to note that anxiety has a purpose, a dynamic
purpose beyond just escaping pain. It serves to avoid feelings,
associated thoughts and situations that are perceived to be
unmanageable.
But, there are more experiences and skills the partner needs
to cope in the long run. Having a support group, a good
self esteem and some alone time all help. Stress relieving
techniques for the partner is a good idea. However, the focus
of this article is on anxiety and relationships, not so much on
the external coping methods of the partner.
Anxiety can spread in relationships. If the sufferer has
intense anxiety, soon the partner will start thinking differently
about the things that elicit the sufferer's symptoms. Usually,
is it the sufferer that avoids certain anxiety-generating
situations. But, just by exposure, the partner will also start
doing the same, but with a different motivation. The sufferer
will act to avoid anxiety. The partner will act to avoid
confrontation or frustration. The partner's version of
frustration may be in the form of fatigue, ennui, boredom,
lack of novelty and spontaneity, etc.
Unless recognized, this dynamic soon will generate a
negative loop. This is my term for what one person does that
makes the other act badly, which is the very thing that causes
the first person to do more of the same, thus making the second
person respond poorly, this time with more negativity.
Thus, each person plays off one another negatively, escalating
the frustration after each "go round" because each fails to get
what each wants. This all potentially starts because the
sufferer has pain and tries to avoid suffering. Soon the
partner may do the same unless these interventions are undertaken.

Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org

Thursday, February 11, 2010

What makes you anxious?

What makes you anxious?
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist of over two
decades, I see folks who have all kinds of psychological disorders.
The most common is anxiety, followed by depression and then some
form of addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex). Anxiety touches
them all, but in many cases presents as the primary disorder.
The most common of all anxiety disorders is the panic attack.
Panic occurs when something sets us off. It is usually an
event that is threatening, like having to speak in public.
Getting audited is pretty stressful. Or, you hear a loud
"thump, thump" instead of a continuous "Vrooooooom" when you
listen to the car engine. These are lousy external events that
cause stress, usually in the form of tension or even a
full-blown anxiety response.
There are also internal mechanisms that elicit anxiety.
We usually do not know it, but there is a cue or trigger somewhere
in our midst that starts a kind of psychological chain reaction.
We are not aware of the exact stimulus but we sure know that
something got stirred up because we have some annoying symptoms
of anxiety. This usually starts with a pounding heart, followed
by sweaty palms. Maybe the next sign is a voice that cracks or
maybe we suddenly just cannot sit still. If things progress,
nausea usually sets in. Anxiety stimulates physical mechanisms,
which is when our adrenal glands dump adrenaline into our
bloodstreams. This accounts for almost all the physical symptoms
I just described.
But if there are no external events that cause anxiety, why
are we anxious? The answer has to do with how we handle feelings
and thoughts. Most of us shy away from negative subjective events,
which is normal. But there are some of us that make a habit of it
and are quite skilled at squirreling away most feelings. We
psychologists call these types "high suppressors." They probably
learned to do this early in life, but certainly in the present
they do not want to experience anything akin to a feeling, or even
a thought that associates
to a feeling. They "make it go away."
But these experiences do not go away. We just put them in a box
behind our left ear (not literally) where they fester and wait...
So, to answer the question of what makes you anxious, the answer
is, "anything." Anything is any psychological association to any
feeling you do not want to process (experience and deal with,
preferably consciously). I call these elicitors "cues" or triggers.
They are not the cause of the anxiety, which is what most people think.
The cues are the initial jolt to our senses that leads, by association,
to feelings that are forbidden, or at lease feared. It turns out,
any feeling can be paired through association to any event, which can
be cued by any association to either the event or the feeling. Huh?
We humans are so complex that virtually every experience we have
is associated with a zillion sub-associations. For example, if we
sit in a restaurant and order a burger, then the guy next to us faints
and then throws up, we have a predictably negative reaction.
What was not very conscious at that moment was the smell of the
waitress' perfume, the color of our seats, etc? What if in two
weeks we encounter an entirely separate person wearing that same
perfume, or go to a concert where there are the same colored seats?
We aren't usually conscious of these associations, but if suddenly
we have some rumblings of tension when encountering the perfume or
seat color, there is a reason. We make some associations and in the
back of our minds they lie.
Do this over and over and pair these secondary associations to
some trauma or really big negative event, and we can see how future
anxiety reactions start. Because we bury such events and their
associations, it is a mystery why in the future we should have a panic
attack when all we were doing was talking to a waitress. Because
these associations are almost random, anything that is negative and
associated to them can in the future call up the original stressful
experience. Thus, in fact, anything can make us anxious.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com
http://www.drgriggs.org