Monday, May 31, 2010

Top Seven Reasons People Resist Anger--Part II

Top Seven Reasons People Resist Anger--Part II
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-
five years, I run into eight major conditions every day.
These are all touched by the experience of anger, which if
not dealt with effectively, will exacerbate the eight contions
(relationships, anxiety, self-esteem, mood, assertiveness, etc.)
Here's the top seven reasons I have encountered every day to
NOT deal with anger. This is the second in a two-part series
of articles dealing with anger management. Please read the
first article, then continue...
4) If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at
all.
This is the voice of your parents, culture or religious
training. Learn to just be comfortable with who you are, including
with what your feel. Then, learn some ways to process those
feelings.
5) It's no big deal. This is minimization, avoidance,
intellectualization, rationalization and/or suppression.
It's what we do when we don't want do deal with something, so
suddenly it's not important. Sometimes this is the lazy man's way
of saying it's just too hard. It's actually harder to deal with
things later after we have "stockpiled" them.
A corollary to this is, "I already get what I want now,
especially when I am angry." This is also more rationalization but
sometimes used by bullies or immature types who don't care about
others, just as long as they get their way. Impulsive types
sometimes fall into this category. Their very (angry) presence
nets them something, but the side effects are usually uncomfortable
to their psychological neighbors. Anger can be manipulative,
precisely to the point that it is used to control others through
intimidation. It's important to get enough control over ourselves
to try different, assertive vs. aggressive ways of relating to others.
6) People should know what I think or what I want.
More often than not, they don't. People are not psychic.
We have to spell things out for most people, usually verbally,
preferably directly. Expecting others to know what we think or
want is a recipe for disaster. Don't use this as an excuse for
not dealing with your feelings.
7) Deeper psychological stuff. Some people have a history of
failing at anger management, not because their feelings are faulty,
but because they are, or so they think. We might have a crummy
self-esteem; so dealing with powerful feelings such as anger
definitely won't fit in with our unconscious anticipation of failure
or avoidance of success. The paradox is that using anger
constructively increases not decreases self-esteem. It helps to
develop realistic self-confidence and skills to keep it.
Some people are afraid of their feelings, especially anger.
They shut up because speaking about this feeling "upsets the apple
cart." I make the analogy that anger is like fire. Fire, by
itself, is value neutral. It is neither good nor bad. Sure, it can
burn down your house, OR, is can be harnessed to heat it up--same fire,
same heat; different use, different outcome.
Then, there are other personality types that use anger
maladaptively. Narcissism comes to mind.
This is when the universe revolves around us, so when people
don't "snap to" when we command them, they get upset with us and
because of our personality, we get upset with them. The other
narcissistic phenomenon that is very common is what we call
entitlement. This is when we expect others to already know our
thoughts, feelings and wishes. They should be just waiting to take
care of us. Right! The thinking is, we are entitled to have things
our way, just because we are who we are. Adjust expectations downwards.
Assume people don't have our thoughts at heart. They usually don't.
This is hard for narcissistic folks. In this case, the problem is
narcissism, which has not much to do with anger management, except
that narcissists usually have bouts of rage when their huge
self-oriented needs are not met.
Lastly, some people learn to avoid conflict, anger and
even simple assertiveness all together, while at the same time
"getting even." Example: Imagine you are angry with your wife,
but dealing with your wife is a very big chore. She's "difficult"
or downright aggressive. So, you "disappear" for a time, thus
avoiding conflict. If you just happen to disappear when the two of
you are scheduled to go somewhere, you have also made her angry.
In this case, you did it indirectly in the service of avoiding
conflict. Pretty slick. You accomplished two things at once,
were responsible for neither and no one was the wiser.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

The top seven reasons people resist anger--Part I

The top seven reasons people resist anger--Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-
five years, I run into eight major conditions every day.
These are all touched by the experience of anger, which if
not dealt with effectively, will exacerbate the eight contions
(relationships, anxiety, self-esteem, mood, assertiveness, etc.)
Here's the top seven reasons I have encountered every day to
NOT deal with anger.
1) I’m afraid people will get mad at me. This is the fear
of reprisal. The thinking goes something like this, “If I’m
angry this person will get also get mad.” Of course, when
someone is mad, all kinds of bad things are likely to happen,
so of course, don’t make people mad. The thinking is that
people will retaliate and punish me. The assumption is that
getting mad makes other people get mad.

This is a myth. Uncontrolled anger makes people mad,
maybe, but anger itself is not the culprit. Most people think
this way because in the past they have exploded after holding
feelings in too long. Of course when we blow up “things” can
be unpleasant. But, this is not because of being angry; rather,
it is because we were not assertive. Had we been assertive with
each feeling as it occurred, we never would have reached the
“blow up” stage and there would be no fear that people “will get
mad at me.”
If people are really angry, most people around such a person
experience fear...
2) Bad things will happen to others. The thinking is that if
I’m angry, others will fall apart or even do themselves in.
This is about guilt.
This is also false. Others are not nearly as bothered by
our angry communications as we might think. And, we are more
bothered by what we don’t communicate than what we say. Being
responsible for someone else’s reaction is considerate to a
point, but imprisoning if taken too far. Let others be
responsible for their own reactions and let us practice more often
speaking up, even if tinged with anger.
3) People won’t like me. “If I get mad, I’m going to scare
someone and they will think negatively of me. It’s better to
shut up.”
People who can’t deal with their own anger are more
likely to be afraid of you, or avoid you because you are
“stimulating” their own feelings, which they want to avoid.
“Likeability” has to do with many other more important variables
that don’t necessarily have anything to do with anger. Think
about interpersonal warmth, honesty, emotional intelligence,
genuineness, empathy and caring. These are some of the qualities
that produce “likeability” in relationships, and they are better
expressed with assertiveness, which in this case is the best purely
psychological expression of anger, rather than with aggression or
passivity.

-Dr. Griggs

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http://www.drgriggs.org

Symptoms of Anger Problems--Part I

Symptoms of Anger Problems--Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I run
across the same problems every day. Anger management
is one of those "conditions" that, if left untreated,
contaminates all the other problems.
This is Part I of a two-part series of articles. Please
read this one before reading the next.
What are the symptoms of anger problems? The usual
ones include jumping too quickly into anger, having a temper,
turning red-faced, yelling, hitting or physically acting out,
or worse. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by
physiological and biological changes. When you get angry,
your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of
your energy hormones, like adrenaline and its nasty
normetabolites (the chemicals adrenaline is broken down into
as the body detoxifies itself). Stress hormones skyrocket.
Here’s a more thorough list of symptoms by category:
1) Physical symptoms. Flushing, increased animation, talking
or gesturing with intensity or rapidity, overreacting, verbal
pressure (talking too fast or too intensely and not letting
anyone “get in a word edgewise”), mock disapproval gestures,
agitation (inability to sit still or increased motor response).
Some very angry people destroy things in their rage.
2) Emotional symptoms. Intense feelings, emotional pressure
(dominating the emotional landscape in a conversation), urge
to say or do things inappropriately or too soon acting to
retaliate. This includes rationalizing your feelings after the
fact.
3) Behavioral symptoms. Physical aggression, increased volume
in speech, increased word count, word or speech tone (sarcasm),
retaliation, passive-aggressive behaviors, “getting even”
thinking or hostile fantasies, acting out, resistance to cooperate,
intolerance, verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures, domestic
abuse, road rage, workplace violence.
If you are like most people, when you get angry, probably
the last thing you want to do is act nicely. At this moment, the
last thing you want to do is give something to someone (in a
positive way). The last thing you want is to forgive them for
their transgressions. Likely, your first impulse is to say
something sarcastic, stare at someone or something or generally
“amp up” in preparation for confrontation. At this moment, you
don’t want to cooperate. You want to vent or get even. You
want to do or say something to make the person who made you angry,
also feel anger. Misery doesn’t just love company--it loves
miserable company.
Anger unincorporated into intellect causes disruptions.
Some of the areas of life most notably influenced are: sexuality,
employment performance, communication with intimates, athletic
performance and reacting appropriately in a crisis. Not
coincidentally, unmanaged anger contaminates (read “trashes”)
relationships of all kinds, predisposes you to greater use of
“calming” substances (alcohol, drugs), sets you up to need
counseling or legal advice if taken too far, gradually erodes
you health and costs you potentially more money than you know.
You can override some of this by using your forebrain, not
your mid-brain. In other words, if you have your wits about you,
your intelligence can once again reign, but it may take a moment
for that part of your brain to re-establish dominance. Failing
this, you might hold onto your anger for a long time, to your
detriment. Go to Part II for more discussion on this thread...

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Symptoms of Anger Problems--Part II

Symptoms of Anger Problems--Part II
This is the second of two articles on the general symptoms
of anger, and the problems they reflect. Please read the first
article before this one. To continue...
You will be able to “re-compose” faster and more
completely if you are not already burdened by unexpressed
anger. This is where there is already a bunch of anger
lurking in the back of your brain, just waiting for a
tinderbox to ignite it. In this case, even a little
annoyance will launch a tirade. Why? It’s called
piggybacking, but I’ve also heard it called stockpiling or
gunny sacking. You are compromised psychologically because
there are unconscious, unexpressed feelings hiding under the
radar of your awareness. These drain your mental energy,
literally, leaving you with less resources to deal with
present irritations. Then, a little “something” comes
along and triggers a little anger, but the whole truckload
of historic anger comes out, riding on the coattails of
littler event. That’s when dropping the buttered bread on
the kitchen floor causes you to yell and scream at anyone in
sight. I've seen people destroy furniture over a broken pencil
point. All those hidden feelings erupt in a fury. While
the chronic build up of unexpressed anger usually takes awhile,
its expression (“discharge”) is relatively quick. The
diagnostic here is that the explosion is disproportional to the
current stressor.
There are broader problems that can be tied to poor anger
management. Related or “secondary” problems often include
over-indulging in alcohol and/or drugs and then getting into
“trouble.” Trouble includes getting DUI’s (DWI’s, 502’s,
depending upon the state where you live), ending up in the
hospital from injuries incurred while drinking in general
(physical mishaps) or driving intoxicated, or from fist fights.
Following this are financial sequelae. If you get into
fights and/or accidents and/or drink too much, then crash, you
probably are going to end up in jail with your car impounded, or
in some situation that may escalate. The fight that was “your
fault” or the accident that happened while you were “under the
influence” will potentially cost you legal fees, lost wages due
to “time off” to attend court hearings, etc. These are big
expenses.
Divorce is often the end result of chronic anger, finally
expressed through the dissolution of a longer-term affiliation.
Lack of anger control produces many, many problems generally for
relationships. Individuals who cannot manage their feelings in
general, or anger specifically, or the affect resulting from any
strong feelings rarely escape contention with partners. And,
the closer the partner, the more likely the anger or other
negative feelings will be expressed on or to them. It will for
sure have “some” effect. (As I like to say, the planet closest
to the sun receives the most heat.) People in couples counseling
usually and frequently have at least one partner who struggles
with anger. Domestic violence almost always is the result of
anger management failures and is one of the leading causes of
divorce. Having an affair ends relationships about fifty percent
of the time, and almost always it has a lot to do with unexpressed
anger. The resulting financial burdens after dissolving the
connection with your spouse can be huge.
Business relationships suffer from lack of effective affective
communication; that is, the successful processing of ongoing
tensions, in this case. Like divorces, business partners often
“call it quits” after a fight that expressed long-standing
differences and frustrations. Again, status and finances can
suffer.
Inmates in prisons, who are “in” for crimes involving
aggression, usually have some kind of anger management problem.
(If they did not have one before entering jail, they often do
after.) Often their entry point into “the system” stems from
domestic violence or from illicit drug use or related activities
(selling, crime); again, often related to the problematic
experience of some form of anger.
Work problems, anxiety management problems, depression and
addictions (to anything) all are touched by this phenomenon.
Usually, when anger is uncontrolled, havoc reigns.
On the more minor side, if you “fly off the handle,” even
with a neighbor, the relationship may end up “strained.” You
might have to find another person from whom to borrow that next
cup of sugar.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

TYPE I AND TYPE II ANGER

TYPE I AND TYPE II ANGER
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I run
into eight or so conditions every day. These include
depression, anxiety, self-esteem, assertiveness, etc. All
of them are exacerbated by the unsuccessful management of
anger. In my recent ebook, I describe two general types of
anger management phenomena, which are summarized here.
The first is Type I anger management problems. This
category is when people fail to control their anger and then
act it out, usually impulsively, often accompanied by the use
of alcohol and/or drugs, often manifesting in violence, domestic
or “other” sequela. The predominant mode of expression of
anger in Type I anger problems is explosive. It usually
involves the outward expression of too much anger, and
usually results in people getting into trouble. Type I
anger dysfunction is much more often seen in men than women,
but not always.
There is also what I call Type II anger management
problems. I think of it as a subtype or minor version of
anger management failure. The dynamics are similar, even
if the outward behaviors are not. Type II is the exact
opposite pattern of behaviors seen in Type I people; yet,
the root of the problem is the same. Type II anger
management folks don’t express anger directly, sometimes
not at all.
These people express most or all the other major
feelings (sad, happy, love, hurt, fear, disgust, shame and
surprise), but not anger. Of the eight other feelings,
hurt and sadness seem to predominate. When it comes to
anger, these people are blocked. Instead, when they feel
angry, they, one, probably don’t know it because they have
suppressed it for so long, or two, they do something else
and don’t realize there is a connection or link between their
behavior and anger.
As described in other articles, suppression is the
conscious effort to push something out of awareness. When
suppression is used over and over, the brain, literally, begins
to do this automatically. Then we no longer have the conscious
experience of that feeling because it has been automatically,
unconsciously removed. When this happens, we no longer are
aware of what was suppressed. Now, we call it repression.
Then, when (angry) feelings occur, people really don’t know it.
They behave in “other” ways to express this feeling.
For example, high anger repressors often are stoic, or easily
burst into tears. In the latter case, crying “leaks” out
anger, but there is little, usually no awareness that anger is
being expressed by crying. These people often claim to
experience sadness or hurt, because crying, by stereotype is
commonly understood to express these feelings. They will not
admit to anger because for some, usually historic reason(s),
anger is forbidden, whereas sadness and hurt are not. Hurt
may look like anger when it is expressed because it has many
of the same behavior patterns, but the feeling of hurt is
fundamentally different than the feeling of anger; hence it
is allowed. If anger has been “snipped” from awareness, the
experience of anger is then legitimately denied. The
predominant mode of expression of anger in Type II anger
problems is implosive. Type II anger dysfunction is much
more often seen in women than men, but not always.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Symptoms of Type II Anger

Symptoms of Type II Anger
In a previous article, I outlined some of the differences
between Type I and Type II anger. Here are more “conditions”
and symptoms that suggests the presence of Type II anger:
1) Hysteria. Nowadays, this is called by many names like
Histrionic Personality; meaning, over-reacting to minimal
stress (the so-called “Eek…a mouse, syndrome”). It also
refers to conversion disorders, like “hysterical blindness”
or “hysterical paralysis.” (These can also be tied to the
repression of other feelings.) It also refers to Dissociative
Disorders (formerly multiple or “split” personality disorders).
Dynamically, hysteria refers to the over-suppression (usually
resulting in the repression) of strong feelings, usually anger,
which then contaminate other behaviors from the inside out,
usually with dramatic presentations. The key ideas behind
hysteria are that feelings are suppressed long enough, then
repressed to create very strong pockets of associations and
feelings in one’s personality. These experiences are not in
awareness and work “under the surface,” popping up in extreme
emotional reactions that do not seem to be related to what was
repressed. Thus, anger is “indirectly” processed and then
expressed without the person’s awareness. Other feelings are
expressed, which serve to transmute anger. The “symptoms” are
anger-circumventing, which makes them appear as something else,
neatly keeping anger out of awareness.
2) Non-Assertiveness. People who are “incapable” of getting
angry are usually incapable of standing up for themselves. It
is important that people learn how to express anger, or any
feeling, appropriately. Sooner or later, people have to learn
healthy and socially respectful ways to express angry feelings,
and to not let anger get out of control to the point so that it
negatively affects relationships, employability and health.
The simple fix for this is to learn assertive communication skills.
3) Passive-Aggressiveness. Type II people are just as angry as
Type I people, but express their feelings in indirect ways, hence
their proclivity towards passive aggressiveness, or worse.
In short, they often “hold it all in,” trying to make it go away.
With only a little investigation, these indirect ways of
communicating can be shown to tie directly to unexpressed anger.
These people will “stick it to you” in ways that, not
coincidentally, are not their fault. In some cases the indirect
symptoms are just as deadly.
4) Reaction formation. Reaction formation is typified by
overly stating or behaving in ways that suggest anger (or some
“issue’) is the last thing on one’s mind. Reaction formation is
behaving in too strong a manner in the opposite direction of one’s
true thoughts, values or feelings. For example, a mother may
cling too tightly to her newborn, expressing fear of dropping it,
when in reality she may be enraged that her life has now
dramatically changed. She may have very negative feelings about
the baby, but on the surface, appears to be an overly conscientious
mother. Thus, the mother protects herself from the full
experience of rage by being just as powerfully over-protective.
The key to recognizing this dynamic is the “over” production of the
behavior. In this case, most mothers would protect their infants,
but not this much.
5) Hypochondriasis. This is another way anger can manifest
unconsciously. On the surface, it does not seem to be related to
the over-preoccupation with one’s own illness or symptoms. Yet,
frequently anger is involved, in this case by either taking it out
on oneself (self-punishment through mandatory regular physical
inspection) or by taking it out on others in a passive, yet
aggressive way (constantly calling attention to oneself, thus
alienating others from normal social interaction).
6) Eating Disorders. This includes Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa.
The former is a condition of starving oneself. Sufferers are
typically very, very thin and won’t eat or will eat only very little
despite the obvious need. The latter condition is purging after
eating. Often the eating is binging in nature, followed by making
one self throw up or purge by over-using laxatives. Either way,
in either condition, weight is an issue, but so is self-esteem and
most importantly, so is the processing of anger.
7) Fusion. Fusing happens when one strong feeling is strongly
attached to another, usually by early trauma. Traumatic association
arbitrarily and artificially pairs the two feelings and the more
superficial feeling dominates the deeper feeling, which is the
troublesome one that remains out of awareness. In other words,
when the deeper feeling is cued, the more superficial feeling emerges
instead, thus hiding the deeper feeling. For example, let’s say
someone is abandoned at birth. The child comes to feel worthless
because of the abandonment, but also is enraged and at the same time,
sad. Here is the case of sadness from abandonment fusing with rage,
both of which cover the trauma and associated feelings of abandonment.
As an adult, whenever someone rejects this person, they should feel
lots of anger, but instead they experience everything but--sadness,
diminutive or lowered self-esteem, and of course, abandonment.
In this case, sadness, abandonment, and lowered self-esteem collude
to keep anger, even rage under raps.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgrigs.org

Top Twelve Approaches to Manage Anger

Top Twelve Approaches to Manage Anger
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your
emotional and the physiological arousal associated with
too much or too intense anger. You can't get rid of, or
avoid, the things or the people that annoy or even enrage
you, nor in most cases can you control or even change them,
but you can learn to better influence them, and you
certainly can learn to control your reactions.
There are a number of common approaches to managing
these circumstances in general, and anger, specifically.
You will find them in most of the pop-psychology literature
on anger management. Here’s the top twelve:
1) Create a short psychological detour. Although it may seem
cliché, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse at
least some of your temper. It does not cure all, but it is
a good place to start.
2) Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and
de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare
up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing
scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as
"Take it easy." Other proven ways to ease anger include
listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.
Learn to meditate and practice every day. This will gradually
train you to de-automatize, which is the precursor to becoming
“mindful.”
3) Get some space. Take a break from the person you're angry
with until your frustrations subside a bit. Go for a walk.
The underlying principle that psychologists use is to change
your environment. Just leave and come back later. It is very
hard to maintain the same internal mind set and mood, if you
change venues.
4) Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet
for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for
a brisk walk in this case, or a run. Better outlets are
swimming, lifting weights or shooting baskets. It helps if
there is a gym on site with a shower, so you can clean up
afterwards, feel fresh and then later again approach the problem.
If sports is your “thing,” pick one that will allow the
creative use of imagery while playing. I play volleyball, so
when I spike a ball, which is hitting it very hard, preferably
straight down, I just think of the many insurance companies that
sent me denial letters that week. I play a very vigorous game
(thank you very much Blue Cross, Cigna, Aetna…).
5) Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious
every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself
look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "Well, my child should
clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the
point. The point is to keep you calm. This is not the same as
suppressing your anger. This is about choosing your battles,
after you have your wits about you.
6) Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you're
likely to say something you'll regret. It can be helpful to
write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the
issues. When you're angry, it's easy to get sidetracked.
7) Once you're calm, express your anger. It's healthy to express
your frustration in a non-confrontational way. Stewing about it
can make the situation worse.
8) Use 'I' statements when describing the problem. This will
help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the
other person angry or resentful and may increase tension. For
instance, say, "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this
evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework."
If the boss promised you a raise but later reneged,
you might have said, “Gee, boss, I’m disappointed. First you said….
and then you said….” This is assertiveness.
9) Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on
what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve
the issue at hand.
10) Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time"
scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly
stressful. One example is the hard working mother who has a
standing rule when she comes home from work. For the first 15
minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After
this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands
from her kids without blowing up.
11) Don’t hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it
will help you both. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave
exactly as you want. However, we are not wired to forgive others
until our strong negative feelings are resolved. In other words,
without the release of negative feelings, likely there will be no
forgiveness. The two biggest negative feelings that muck up
forgiveness are anger, followed by hurt.
12) Make anger work for you. Do something productive. When
angry, try cleaning your house. Manually sweep your driveway.
Wash the car. Obliterate weeds. When you’re finished, you’ll
have something to show for it and you’ll be less angry.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Introduction to Anger Management

Introduction to Anger Management
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked with
people for over two decades. There are lots of major “issues” I deal
with every week. They are: mood and anxiety disorders, problems with
relationships, work problems, self-esteem issues, child behavior problems,
ADHD and/or learning disabilities, assertiveness and addictions.
While anger management is not really considered a “clinical” syndrome,
in fact, it does exacerbate the symptoms and behaviors in each of the
above areas. Some, including myself, assert that not dealing with one’s
feelings, especially anger, is asking for trouble, and leads to
syndrome-like conditions.
One in five Americans has an anger problem. Anger is one of the
more maligned feelings. However, anger is a natural human emotion and
is nature's way of empowering us to "ward off" threats to our well-being.
It varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You can be
angry with a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event
(a traffic jam, a cancelled flight). Anger can be caused by a current or
historic event. Worrying or brooding about personal problems can cause
anger.
Dynamically speaking, anger is one of many feelings that occur when
something is in our way. It is not the only feeling that can emerge in
the face of resistance, but anger is the big one that mobilizes energy to
overcome the resistance to achieving an objective. Notice this does not
preclude the irrational or unreasonable, nor big or small events, personal
(internally psychological) or external. Memories of traumatic or enraging
events can also trigger angry feelings. Anger is central to the functioning
of the self-preservation and self-defense instincts.
A small percentage of authors think anger is not a primary; rather, a
secondary emotion, derived from and resting upon the foundation of the
deeper experience of fear. For example, when I am afraid, if I become
angry, fear is masked and at the same time my energy is mobilized.
I include this perspective in the interest of thoroughness; however, I,
personally, think anger is one of the primary feelings, even though it
does “get me going” to meet demands, in this case, to escape something
fear inducing.
In the broader literature there are eight primary feelings--anger,
love, happy, sad, fear, disgust, surprise and shame. I think hurt is
also a primary feeling, different from these eight, so I talk about nine
primary feelings. I mention hurt, because when expressed it looks like
anger, although its subjective experience is different. In an Ebook
I’ve written on The Five Steps of Assertiveness, I list almost eight
hundred synonyms or phrases for the nine feeling words. I have 126 just
for anger, and this list is not exhaustive. As one client put it, “I
always thought anger was only about seeing red, losing control.” He did
not see irritation, frustration or other such feelings as being related to
anger.
The above are some general “Western” psychological perspectives about
anger. Recently, a Buddhist-derived “psychology” has emerged that also
addresses anger. (This orientation to anger actually pre-dates modern
thinking by two millennium.) Couched in the language of “mindfulness,”
Buddhist thought suggests that anger is the product of a deluded mind.
In this case the mind pays more attention to objects, be they external or
internal representations of those objects. The mind then exaggerates the
bad qualities of said objects, and then becomes aggressive; hence the
emergence of a wish to malign, hurt or destroy. Buddhism suggests this
is because the mind, being out of balance and control, does not perceive
accurately, and then distorts its own reactions, in this case negatively.
The practice of Buddhism is about changing the mind to accurately
exist in harmony with itself and nature, hence quelling negative reactions
to feelings. Radical Buddhists argue that anger serves no useful purpose
whatsoever. Having understood the nature and disadvantages of anger, we
then need to watch our mind carefully at all times in order to recognize
whenever it begins to arise.
Some therapists and authors think the problem is not anger itself;
rather, the mismanagement of anger. Mismanaged anger and/or rage are the
major cause of conflict in our personal and professional relationships.
The idea that anger is dangerous is not without merit. Angry people are
capable of great violence. However, while anger can certainly be abused,
it is more than a simple destructive force.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

General Causes of Anger--Part I

General Causes of Anger--Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for over
twenty-five years, I run into eight conditinos every day.
These include problems with relationships, assertiveness,
self-esteem, anxiety, depression, employment, divorce and
anger management. This last area touches all the other
areas if not understood.
This is Part I of a two-part series of aricles on anger
management. It addresses some of the basic theories
psychologists have written about for the last fifty years,
and then approaches more current thinking. Please read
this article before reading the next.
According to some psychologists, some people really
are more "hotheaded" than others. They get angry more
easily and more intensely than the average person.
People who are easily angered generally have what some
psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration;
meaning simply that they feel that they should not have
to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or
annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they
are particularly infuriated if the situation seems
somehow unjust; for example, being corrected for a minor
mistake.
There are also those who don't show their anger in
loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and
grumpy (heading towards Type II pathology in my nosology).
In these cases, easily angered people don't always curse
and throw things. Sometimes they socially withdraw, sulk,
or get physically ill (hence the term “conversion” in conversion
hysteria). Type II anger folks are much more likely to
transmute anger into one of the feelings that causes
withdrawal or dampening of overt reactions; like hurt or
sadness.
What makes these people this way? One cause may be
genetic or physiological. There is evidence that some
children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered,
and that these signs are present from a very early age.
In rare cases there are elevated androgen levels.
Another reason may be socio-cultural. Anger is often
regarded as negative in other countries. People in other
cultures are sometimes taught that it’s all right to express
anxiety, depression, or other emotions--but not anger.
As a result, they don't learn how to handle it or channel
it constructively.
Psychologists have long recognized that family background
plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come
from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at
emotional communications. The fruit does not fall far from
the tree.
There also are psychological tests that measure the
intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are and
how well (or poorly) you “handle” it. But most of us
already know these things, either intuitively or just from
the feedback we get from others. If you are reading this
article, chances are someone recommended it to you, or told you
about your moods or your behaviors.
To start managing anger, you first have to take a long
look at yourself. What are the factors that cause YOU to
“lose it?” Please read Part II of this series of articles.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgrigs.org

General Causes of Anger--Part I

General Causes of Anger--Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for over
twenty-five years, I run into eight conditinos every day.
These include problems with relationships, assertiveness,
self-esteem, anxiety, depression, employment, divorce and
anger management. This last area touches all the other
areas if not understood.
This is Part I of a two-part series of aricles on anger
management. It addresses some of the basic theories
psychologists have written about for the last fifty years,
and then approaches more current thinking. Please read
this article before reading the next.
According to some psychologists, some people really
are more "hotheaded" than others. They get angry more
easily and more intensely than the average person.
People who are easily angered generally have what some
psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration;
meaning simply that they feel that they should not have
to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or
annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they
are particularly infuriated if the situation seems
somehow unjust; for example, being corrected for a minor
mistake.
There are also those who don't show their anger in
loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and
grumpy (heading towards Type II pathology in my nosology).
In these cases, easily angered people don't always curse
and throw things. Sometimes they socially withdraw, sulk,
or get physically ill (hence the term “conversion” in conversion
hysteria). Type II anger folks are much more likely to
transmute anger into one of the feelings that causes
withdrawal or dampening of overt reactions; like hurt or
sadness.
What makes these people this way? One cause may be
genetic or physiological. There is evidence that some
children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered,
and that these signs are present from a very early age.
In rare cases there are elevated androgen levels.
Another reason may be socio-cultural. Anger is often
regarded as negative in other countries. People in other
cultures are sometimes taught that it’s all right to express
anxiety, depression, or other emotions--but not anger.
As a result, they don't learn how to handle it or channel
it constructively.
Psychologists have long recognized that family background
plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come
from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at
emotional communications. The fruit does not fall far from
the tree.
There also are psychological tests that measure the
intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are and
how well (or poorly) you “handle” it. But most of us
already know these things, either intuitively or just from
the feedback we get from others. If you are reading this
article, chances are someone recommended it to you, or told you
about your moods or your behaviors.
To start managing anger, you first have to take a long
look at yourself. What are the factors that cause YOU to
“lose it?” Please read Part II of this series of articles.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Control And Anger--Part II

Control And Anger--Part II
This is the second of a series of articles on
control and anger. Please read the previous article
(Part I) before reading this one. To continue with the
discussion of wants vs. needs...
I can control all of these factors, but I will become
angry or less angry, or have other negative emotions in
greater or lesser amounts when these expectations are not
met, depending upon my conscious understanding of the
subtleties of my expectations. In this case the need has
a shorter cycle than the want, hence is more imperative.
Fortunately, expectations can better be understood when we
think of them as being either want based, or need based.
In short, they and our reactions to them can be modified
when you understand these critical aspects. Doing this
neutralizes the impact of an unmet expectation. Doing
this puts me firmly in control of my emotional reactions.
Here’s a different scenario; one that’s a little
trickier. Suppose you come to my office for a visit.
I tell you that the next time you come, I’ll give you three
dollars. A week goes by and you think about getting three
dollars. You probably think, “What do I have to do to get
three dollars?” or “What’s he up to?” These are all
expectations at work, but in this case, they are irrelevant,
because when the day arrives and you come back to my office,
I give you three dollars, as promised. You feel happy
because you got the money “as expected.” Because of the
small amount of money, probably this was more of a want,
not a need. You might be suspicious because most people
don’t give away three dollars, but nonetheless, you have at
least some contentment because the expectation was gratified.
Now suppose that when you came to my office expecting
three dollars, instead, I gave you five dollars. Now, not
only are your wants (expectations) met, but they were
exceeded. You might be even happier than you expected had
you just received three dollars. Let’s go the other way.
Suppose, instead of giving you either three or even five
dollars, I only gave you one dollar. You would be
disappointed and a little bit something else (sad, angry,
hurt, anxious, suspicious) because your expectations were
not met.
But wait a minute. You still got a dollar for doing
nothing other than showing up. When compared to getting
three dollars, one dollar is paltry and not as rewarding,
even potentially frustrating. But when compared to getting
nothing, one dollar is pretty good. In sum, had you thought
to suspend or to have no expectations, five dollars would have
been really good, three dollars would have been good, one
dollar would have been sort of good, but no dollar still
would have been OK. The major differences in your reactions
have to do with how you set up the expectations. Think things
through before reacting. The next article is on "attachment"
and its relationships to expectations and anger.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Control and Anger, Part I

Control and Anger, Part I
Control is an interesting sideline of expectations that
deserves a little digression. I have written about it
elsewhere, and will copy some of that here so the reader
knows how and what I think about control. It’s important
because it directly relates to how we handle expectations.
Here’s some of what I wrote about the experience of control
in my ebook, The Five Steps of Assertiveness (+).
“I have what I call the Three Zones of Control. The
first is from our nose backwards. In other words, we can
control what goes on in our own head or more generally, what
goes on inside our skin. And, that is actually debatable and
pretty minimal if we think of the 100 trillion or so chemical
reactions that occur in our bodies every second that we can’t
control. In this case, I’m mostly referring to our thoughts,
feelings and choices that control our behavior. It is
intrapersonal.
The second zone is between our nose and our fingertips.
Imagine stretching out your arms parallel to the ground
(perpendicular to your body). Put your hands straight out in
front of you, then make your hands part, going in opposite
directions. This radius between the nose and fingertips
represents the territory we can immediately influence and probably
control more often than not, just because we can reach it.
It’s our personal space.
The third zone is from our fingertips outwards, moving away
from our bodies. Beyond our fingertips, control drops off sharply.
Why? Because we can’t access it as easily as the first two zones.
Another reason is that this third zone is shared by all of us.
It’s the rest of the world outside of us. It is also common
territory, so we all compete for it. It’s interpersonal.
Control is another word for personal power. We are powerful
within ourselves over our own experiences. We are decreasingly
intrapersonally powerful as we move away from the first zone of
control, into zones two and three, which are increasingly,
interpersonal.”
We can pre-determine what we will react to by deciding
a priori what will and what will not “set us off.” For example, if
I come home and expect that my house will be clean, and then find
it a mess, my expectations will be unfulfilled. My reaction will
be negative, probably one of frustration. However, if I expect
nothing when I walk in the front door, I will not be so bothered
when I encounter dirt on my floor. I may not like dirt, but that
is different than being frustrated because I expected cleanliness.
I can control my reaction, and therefore, mitigate anger. From
this clearer state of mind, I later can decide to clean or not
clean the floor, without being so bothered.
Wants are more flexible than needs, so my expectations will
have more leeway with the former. I want a red sofa, not a blue
one. I can wait until a red one comes along. I may need a sofa
because my living room is bare, so if I really need a sofa, a blue
one might suffice. If the need is greater than the want, the
meeting of the need is likely to come sooner and occur with less
flexibility. In this case I sacrifice my want in the service of
meeting the need. By conscious choice, I have “adjusted” my
expectations to fit reality and so my emotional reaction changed.
So, what exactly has this to do with expectations? Expectations
play out in two ways--wants and needs. Wants and needs materialize
in our behaviors. Our reaction to not having either a want or a
need met is determined by our expectations, which we can control.
For example, we expect to be able to have an HDTV. We want one for
lots of reasons. We go to the store and find one that fits our budget,
and maybe buy it. This is different from what we need. We hardly
need any kind of TV, but TV’s are so endemic to modern society that
the idea of not having one isn’t even considered. We need a TV when
not having one compromises our experience in some major way, like
missing out on major news. Teenagers argue that we “need” a TV because
they need to watch certain programs so that they will fit in with peers.
We adults recognize how social pressure influences our kids, but we
also know that the world will continue without TV; hence we make the
distinction between a want and a need.
-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Cognitive Techniques For Anger Management--Part III

Cognitive Techniques For Anger Management--Part III
Please read the previous two articles first...
A common and very pervasive example is prejudice.
Examine your biases towards groups--gender, nationality,
race, religion, political orientation and status--to name
the big six. Prejudices are conglomerates of expectations
impregnated with hidden “shoulds,” “ought to’s,” etc.
“He’s Mexican and shouldn’t be in this country.” “She’s
a woman and probably can’t balance her checkbook.” “He’s
a man and has no feelings.” “She is _______ (pick a
religion) and I’m not.” “He’s ________ (rich, poor),
therefore ________.” “He’s a Democrat so he _________.”
These are common statements people make without thinking.
Biases of this magnitude represent long-standing attitudes
that coalesce into big expectations, usually negative, that
color our perceptions long before we are exposed to more
relevant and specific facts. The “offender” of said
expectations unwittingly violates one or more of our big
expectations because that’s what we “expect.” We are
looking for this, a priori, and “therefore” we will have a
negative emotional reaction before we experience anything
else, like reality, in this case. Again, the problem is
not so much the behavior of the stereotypee; rather, it is
our limited thinking, limited awareness of our thinking and
attachment to our inappropriate sense of rightness, relevant
only to our point of view. Prejudices are judgments at their
biggest and worst. Does this mean we should not have morals,
standards or values? No. Just recognize when they are
prejudicial, not true, and don’t be so attached to them to
cause grief when someone else violates them. What might you
do instead?
Practice empathy. The quick definition of empathy is to
walk a mile in someone else’s moccasins. Try seeing the world
through someone else’s eyes. The idea is to experience
something as someone else does, separate from your own
projections (biases, prejudices, needs, wants, etc.).
The difference between empahty and sympathy is that in the former,
you can fully experience someone else’s way of feeling, thinking,
etc. without losing your own perspective. The latter is when you
experience someone else’s thoughts and feelings, but you lose your
perspective. People are much more likely to lose their perspective
and controls when they are sympathetic. It also turns out, empathic
people have better controls and are less prone to judge.
When angry, try to understand where the alleged perpetrator
is “coming from.” Empathy is very difficult when one is angry
but it can make all the difference in the world, for you in terms
of maintaining control, and for the other person, whose offending
behavior will be mitigated. Once you consider the opposite
position of what made you angry, the anger based on the contrast,
or worse, your righteous indignation lessens, maybe even disappears.
Taking the other person's point of view can be excruciating when
in the throes of anger, but with practice it becomes second nature.
If you can’t be empathic, try to identify your hot buttons.
Most people get angry about some things but not others. If you
find a behavior that consistently bugs you, then you have found
the “grist for your mill.” Look into this and figure out what
about that “thing” (pattern of behavior, phenomena, etc.) really
bugs you. For example, suppose your spouse fails to pick up his
shoes. You trip over them every time you pass by the mess, in this
case the ever-growing pile of shoes. What about the shoes works
its way into your psyche? It might be your training with your own
shoes as a child, like when Dad would tell all your friends about
how big your feet were. How did Dad know this? Because he kept
tripping over your shoes, which were obviously huge!
-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Cognitive Techniques For Anger Management--Part II

Cognitive Techniques For Anger Management--Part II
Please read the previous article on this subject first.
Here’s a technique. Think and act like someone is
watching you. I don’t mean act paranoid. Just imagine
someone or maybe even an aspect of yourself is looking on
from off to the side somewhere while you go about your
daily business. Someone is observing you talk to others,
sign your name on a check, drive to and from the grocery
store or while reading this Ebook. I used this example
to help my son not drive so fast. When he first learned
to drive, I asked him to imaging that there was always a
police car right behind him—a cop watching his every move.
If you drive like there’s a cop on your tail, your driving
will be very different. In general, the extent that we
think we are in a bubble and not subject to the scrutiny of
others is license to misbehave. Put another way, we behave
differently when we know there is an observer. My favorite
example is when drivers are in their car by themselves, and
then pick their noses. They think no one notices because
they are in a “bubble.” Wrong. Imagine if they only knew…
Stop judging. Right and wrong is relative and only in
rare cases is probably absolute. Stop using the Seven Deadly
Phrases and/or Words: “Always,” “Never,” “Should,” “Have To,”
“Must,” “Need to” and “Ought to.” Not only are these usually
a projection of your own expectations and attachments, they
serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that
the only right solution to the problem is for the other person
to do what you want. Doing this will alienate and humiliate
people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a
solution.
Instead, try evaluating rather than judging. What does
this mean? Evaluation means assessing whether something works,
whether it is efficient and does what it is supposed to do.
Is it effective and functional? This analysis can be applied
to events, things and people. Adding the extra dimension of
right or wrong, better or worse, superior or inferior starts to
offend others via your projections; hence they perceive you are
judging them. Judging something is what happens when a parent
talks down to a child, pointing out how the child “blew it,” and
that s/he “should” have done something or said something
differently. The child will feel scolded, inferior or
inadequate. If you are judged as an adult, you will also feel
belittled. No one likes to be treated that way. Evaluating
something is what happens when two adults discuss something
without getting too bothered, sticking to facts or at least
perceptions, not being so attached to their respective point of
view if they differ-—kind of like agreeing to disagree without
coming to blows. Avoid speaking in a morally condescending
way when communicating your standard-based “preferences.”
There’s lots of ways to impart information without judgment.
There’s a difference between being different and expecting
others to accept your differences with subtle or overt
condescension, and being different and communicating those
differences by stating your preferences without implied or
expressed superiority.
-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Cognitive Techniques For Anger Management--Part I

Cognitive Techniques For Anger Management--Part I
Here's some cognitive techniques for anger management.
Reduce your expectations by choice. Expect less
and enjoy more. This is a decision, not a reaction.
You are not turning off your reactivity, just changing
how many reactions you need or want, and what makes you
happier or not when you do. You have control over this,
even if you are not used to thinking this way. Try it,
and then practice. For example, try to not be so attached
to what you think is right or wrong. While there are
exceptions (traffic laws), most things in your life are
not life and death, so you don’t need to over-react.
Practice under-reaction to get the hang of non-attachment.
Again, this is not, not reacting (detachment). It is
channeling the reactions you have to frustrations through
your “programming,” which you are now consciously altering.
One popular version of this is what I call “The Five Year
Rule.” This states that if you are not going to remember
something in five years, don’t get so bothered by it now.
Put another way, ask yourself what you remember five years
ago from today. Most of us come up blank.
Drop perfectionism. “Things” are not perfect down here
on planet earth. Accept this and stop trying to make it
otherwise. I have what I call the “Rule of Two or Three.”
This rule states that for every two or three things you
attempt, it will take two or three tries to accomplish (to get
things the way you want it to turn out…). In other words,
only one in three times “things” will go your way the first time.
The world is imperfect. Roll with the punches.
Don’t take things personally. The world is not about
you. Think about what footprint you have on this planet.
With only a few rare exceptions, it’s very, very small.
When something happens in your life, is it aimed specifically
at you? It is much more likely you just happened to be in his or
her orbit. You got the brunt of something they did, but again,
it probably wasn’t about you, personally. A common example of
this is being cut off on the freeway. Did the other driver cut
you off, meaning you _________________ (fill in your name),
driving right next to or in back of them? Do they know you?
No. They were acting in their own best interest, possibly
selfishly, but definitely considering their needs more than yours.
To the other driver, you were probably not even a person; rather,
just a moving obstacle. Because we are in cars, we often
feel insulated from other humans driving in other big moving
insulators. Our personal psychology is to think we are not
involved with others so much because our personal space is
enclosed, and if we offend them, so what. Most of us think
we will never encounter that driver again, so our driving
behaviors are inconsequential.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
Cognitive Techniques For Anger Management--Part I
Here's some cognitive techniques for anger management.
Reduce your expectations by choice. Expect less
and enjoy more. This is a decision, not a reaction.
You are not turning off your reactivity, just changing
how many reactions you need or want, and what makes you
happier or not when you do. You have control over this,
even if you are not used to thinking this way. Try it,
and then practice. For example, try to not be so attached
to what you think is right or wrong. While there are
exceptions (traffic laws), most things in your life are
not life and death, so you don’t need to over-react.
Practice under-reaction to get the hang of non-attachment.
Again, this is not, not reacting (detachment). It is
channeling the reactions you have to frustrations through
your “programming,” which you are now consciously altering.
One popular version of this is what I call “The Five Year
Rule.” This states that if you are not going to remember
something in five years, don’t get so bothered by it now.
Put another way, ask yourself what you remember five years
ago from today. Most of us come up blank.
Drop perfectionism. “Things” are not perfect down here
on planet earth. Accept this and stop trying to make it
otherwise. I have what I call the “Rule of Two or Three.”
This rule states that for every two or three things you
attempt, it will take two or three tries to accomplish (to get
things the way you want it to turn out…). In other words,
only one in three times “things” will go your way the first time.
The world is imperfect. Roll with the punches.
Don’t take things personally. The world is not about
you. Think about what footprint you have on this planet.
With only a few rare exceptions, it’s very, very small.
When something happens in your life, is it aimed specifically
at you? It is much more likely you just happened to be in his or
her orbit. You got the brunt of something they did, but again,
it probably wasn’t about you, personally. A common example of
this is being cut off on the freeway. Did the other driver cut
you off, meaning you _________________ (fill in your name),
driving right next to or in back of them? Do they know you?
No. They were acting in their own best interest, possibly
selfishly, but definitely considering their needs more than yours.
To the other driver, you were probably not even a person; rather,
just a moving obstacle. Because we are in cars, we often
feel insulated from other humans driving in other big moving
insulators. Our personal psychology is to think we are not
involved with others so much because our personal space is
enclosed, and if we offend them, so what. Most of us think
we will never encounter that driver again, so our driving
behaviors are inconsequential.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Cognitive Restructuring For Anger Management--Part II

Cognitive Restructuring For Anger Management--Part II
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist of over twenty-five years,

I run across eight issues, over and over. Anger management is a mindset

that negatively colors every one of them, if not addressed. In the previous

article, I addressed some ways to mitigate uncontrolled anger, using not well

known Cognitive Restructuring techniques. Pleas read the
previous article on this subject.
Be realistic. Sometimes, our anger and frustration
are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives.
Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural
response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural
belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our
frustration to find out that this isn't always the case.
The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not
to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle
and face the problem. There are many injustices in the world,
and no amount of effective anger management will change this.
If you are stuck in circumstances beyond your control,
make a coping plan, and check your progress along the way.
Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself
if you regress or can’t change negative reality. If you can
approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a
serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to
lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the
problem does not get solved. Sometimes life can be just awful.
We all lose jobs or suffer the death of someone close. During
these times, your priorities might better be focused on the nature
of reality, not stuck in your emotional reaction to it. For
those who fail to negotiate such experiences, chronic pessimism
and negativity can result. For those who transcend life’s potholes,
spirituality may take root. Be open to trying different behaviors.
The usual ones sound like they came right out of a Boy Scout’s manual,
so I’ll just list them. Be: direct, honorable, focused, persistent,
courageous and passionate. Recognize what is appropriate vs.
inappropriate anger.
Lastly, is it good to "let it all hang out?" Is it good to just
unload somewhere when all else fails? Some psychologists say this is
a dangerous idea, citing that people can use this notion later to
justify hurting others. Some psychologists say that "letting it rip"
actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you
(or the person you're angry at) resolve the situation.
I think this is generally true, especially for current conflicts.
However, there is one technique that I have found to be fruitful for
people who have suppressed or repressed lots of anger over a long period
of time, and who have nowhere else to turn to vent. Because this is a
special case, I have described this in Appendix B at the end of my ebook,
Anger Management, Types I and II. monograph. This technique is not
for everyone.

-Dr. Griggs

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Cognitive Restructuring For Anger Management--Part I

Cognitive Restructuring For Anger Management--Part I
Simply put, “Cognitive Restructuring” means changing
the way you think. Here are some specific techniques that help
to manage anger.
Use cold hard logic on yourself. Logic defeats anger, because
anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational.
Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you." You're just
experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each
time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get
a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things:
fairness, appreciation, agreement, and willingness to do things
their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and
disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them,
and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes
anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need
to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their
expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like"
something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have"
something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will
experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment,
hurt—but not anger.
If this is hard for you, try something paradoxical.
Paradoxical techniques are tactics that superficially appear to be
the opposite of what you expect, yet produce results, often
resolving feeling states. If you are stuck feeling very demanding
when angry, try imagining you, in fact, get your demands met.
Picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns
the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having
your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more
detail you can put into your imaginary scenes, the more you can
create a fantasy of just what you and your anger want. It
channels unreasonable anger into self-created, productive fantasies
that hurt no one. As the anger is expressed paradoxically, it
diffuses. In short order you'll also realize how unimportant the
things you're angry about really are and you will realize that maybe
you are being unreasonable.
Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful
terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your
thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing
these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of
telling yourself, “Oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's
ruined,” tell yourself, “It’s frustrating and it's understandable
that I’m upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and
getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Not only will anger
not likely fix the problem, it likely will burn your energy and
quickly make you feel worse. What these techniques have in
common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a
serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if
examined, can make you laugh.
Stay away from things that undermine your awareness or weaken
your physical integrity. These are things like alcohol, drugs, or
extreme fatigue. Any kind of mind-altering substance will
compromise your awareness and your will power. Alcohol is in this
category. (Think of it as a liquid drug.) Marijuana may lower
the likelihood of acting out aggressively, but the next day, your
“system” will be compromised. How much? It depends upon lots of
factors—age, dosage, the kind of pot, whether or not it was added to
other substances. The more “popular” drugs, as of this writing, are
“E” (formerly “X”), crystal methamphetamine, cocaine, even heroin,
“shrooms,” and more prescription drugs that have hit the street than
I can name. All of these are bad for your nervous system and will
in some way cause you to malfunction, during the “high” or after.
(The exception to prescription drugs are ones your doctor prescribes.
Keep taking those unless your doctor advises otherwise.)
In marital therapy, I use the “Nine o’clock Rule.” Simply put,
after nine o’clock, say only compliments to your partner, or anyone
else in your vicinity. Why? After nine, most people are getting
tired and experience a reduction in lucidity, awareness and control.
If you get up at 5:00 a.m. this will become the Seven o’clock Rule,
because you’ll be tired sooner than most. Adjust according to your
schedule. This rule is especially important on workdays, but even
younger folks who are out on the town on a weekend are more likely to
get into disagreements or even fights after this hour, again,
especially if there are substances involved. If you are pooped,
beware. One of the best tonics for just about every problem is
sleep. Get plenty.
Use a power phrase. This is something like, “No matter what
happens, I will survive.” Another is the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I’m not touting religion, just the psychology embedded in this
simple saying (giving up control, which is about expectations and
not being attached so much…).
In self-esteem work, I use what I call the “Anchor Concept.”
This is a very powerful positive affirmation about something in you
that is wonderful, inviolate and easily recognized by all your friends.
This technique begins the repair process of a damaged self-esteem,
does so very quickly, and as it turns out, also helps to effectively
undermine anger and lots of other problem dynamics, i.e., it modifies
addiction behavior pathways. It works by changing your emotions,
even though the approach involves working with specific thoughts.


-Dr. Griggs

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Sunday, May 23, 2010

Attachment, Expectations and Anger Management--Part II

Attachment, Expectations and Anger Management--Part II

From previous articles, we have been talking about expectations and
anger. I've been using small examples to illustrate a big psychological
“orientation.” Here’s a bigger example, which might “drive”
home the point. Next time you are operating your car, notice
that when you approach a stoplight that has just turned red,
you stop. Why? Because you know that cross traffic has just
gotten a green light and is about to traverse the intersection.
Obviously, if you don’t stop, likely there will be a collision.
Conversely, why did they “go” when they had a green light?
Because cross-traffic knows you are looking at a red light and
they expect you to stop. These are all collective expectations,
which in this example are encoded into traffic laws. Drivers
hopefully obey these laws for safety. The point is that we don’t
even think about these things, but once learned, in the back of
our minds, they operate automatically as expectations, in this
case in the form of law, which govern our group driving behaviors.
We don’t think of these things until one or more of our expectations
are violated, and we react especially negatively when we have strong
attachments to having those expectations met.
In this example, if I go through the intersection when I have a
red light, chances are there will be an accident, which will likely
be quite a shock to the person I hit. There will be damage to the
vehicles or even loss of life. These are really big expectations,
and our attachment to them is great because the consequences of
violating these particular expectations are potentially life changing.
On a smaller scale, say in the case of causing a smaller accident
(“fender-bender”), the consequences will be inconvenience and monetary,
but still big enough to engender attachment.
While these examples are larger than more ordinary daily
experiences, they illustrate the principles underlying the emotional
reactions we all have to even lesser events. For example, suppose your
partner (spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend…) constantly does something you
do not like. This could be nagging, leaving clothing around or being
late for appointments. By themselves, these are not huge events, but
your reactions, qualitatively, are the same. You have expectations,
in these cases less articulated or perhaps less obvious, and those
expectations are being violated, one time, two times, chronically.
Sooner or later, you are going to be frustrated in proportion to the
amount your expectations are violated and even more so precisely to the
point you hold onto them (attachment). If the frustrations are chronic,
tension will build and if not expressed, will result in some sort of
outburst. This is what I call the “Shut Up, Shut Up, Blow Up” model.
Normally, we talk about what bugs us, and to do this effectively, we
need to be assertive, preferably without much attachment. However,
assuming this is not the case, we still need to talk to vent. If we
are healthy, we might have expectations to not have many expectations,
or expectations to not have much attachment to our expectations.
These are healthy adaptations to the human condition.
However, you might argue, “We all have expectations” and that it
is impossible to not have them. I agree. To illustrate just how
many expectations we have and just how much we are attached to them,
try the following experiment. Try going just one minute without
having any expectations. Try not to expect anything. In this next
minute, you don’t expect the phone to ring, that you will not float
off your chair and bump into the ceiling, that your shoes laces will
stay tied, that your heart will continue beating, that the world will
continue turning. If you really get into this, you will quickly
realize that having no expectations is impossible. Try it and you’ll
see. I’m not advocating having no expectations because that is silly.
Trying to bury expectations and calling them non-attachment is also not
what I’m talking about. This would be detachment, which also is not
healthy. I’m advocating reducing expectations with cognitive
technique and ultimately suspending as much attachment to those
expectations by changing your thoughts and awareness. As mentioned
above, you can’t do this without some forethought and practice.
-Dr. Griggs

Keywords for this article are:
Anger Management, Anger Management Classes, Anger Management courses, Anger management training, Anger Management books, Anger management Strategies, Anger Management skills therapy

For more complete information on this subject, go to:

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http://www.drgriggs.org

Attachment, Expectations and Anger Management--Part I

Attachment, Expectations and Anger Management--Part I

We believe that the universe, be it personal or impersonal,
micro-or-macrocosmic, is either purposeful or random. Things
“happen” for some reason or no reason, whether it is to me in my
little world, or to others “out there.” These
“orientations” are the result of our individual and collective
expectations—-things we have come to believe based upon our
experiences, starting from birth. But when it comes to
managing anger, it does not matter so much what you believe or
if you believe anything akin to the above; rather, it matters
that you are aware of your expectations and how attached you are
to your beliefs. Attachment is the factor that most influences
whether you will be angry or not when expectations are not met.
It is also the factor that most influences emotional control.
What is attachment? The quick definition has to do with
how invested you are in having things go your way. This is not
a clinical or academic definition. (That has to do with bonding
and forming stable, dependable relationships with others.)
My more functional but relevant-to-anger-formulaic definition
does have some connection to the more academic version because it
involves your ideas, their predictability (“constancy” in your
physical and psychological universe) and your frustration if they
do not manifest as expected. However, my definition is not so
much about the big relationship picture as about your ideas
vis-a-vis any psychological phenomena, which includes personal
relationships, but also can be about smaller psychological events.
The glue that binds your ideas and the things that go on in your
world is your expectations. However, expectations are amplified
in direct proportion to your attachment to your ideas of what is
expected.
Go back to the discussion in my previous article about expecting
some money if you return to my office next week. All of the scenarios
(expecting one, three, five or no dollars) are capable
of raising your ire, even if you get some money in each, depending
upon whether you are really stuck (attached) to one set of
expectations over another. However, none of these has to create
frustration. What sets you up to have any emotional reaction is
your expectations. What amplifies your reaction is your attachment.
So, if I promised you three dollars, you would expect three dollars.
If you did not get three dollars next week, you would be disappointed,
maybe, but you would not be so mad if also in your mind was the idea
of not being attached to your expectations. You might say, “Great,
I’m going to get three dollars. But, Dr. Griggs is a sneaky guy and
probably is just testing me… so I won’t count on getting three
dollars.” If, upon your subsequent visit, I fail to give you three
dollars, you would not be angry, even though your expectations might
have been operating anyway (hoping to get some money despite the set
up…). In this case, because even though your expectations were not
met, your non-attachment was operating, so there was no emotional
rebellion. Specifically, you had competing ideas of non-attachment,
which had a strong moderating effect on expectations and subsequent
emotions.
-Dr. Griggs

Keywords for this article are:
Anger Management, Anger Management Classes, Anger Management courses, Anger management training, Anger Management books, Anger management Strategies, Anger Management skills therapy

For more complete informatin about this subject, go to:

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Antecedents of Anger Management

Antecedents of Anger Management
How, when, where and what you do to express your anger depends
upon your internal construction. One or more of the six major
“conditions,” mentioned in previous articles could compromise this
process. A lesser condition, but one that is very important is
our family-of-origin training. In other words, what did we learn
when we were growing up about managing our feelings, including anger?
Most family members have squabbles, especially when there are
children. I think the amount of conflict family members
experience increases exponentially (vs. arithmetically) with each
additional child after the first one. Imagine what kind of
emotional environment likely exists when four or five kids are
running around. Conversely, there are studies that suggest when
there are more family members, each person in the family is
compelled to deal with the others, and is more likely to develop
“people skills,” including managing feelings. In this case social
intelligence is hammered out on the anvil of increasing contacts
and conflicts.
The most important source of information about how to handle
anger comes from our parents. Were they calm? Did they
communicate (with words, too)? Did they sit on their hands when
they talked? Or, did something else happen?
The dark side of anger management is when people do all the
things that are the antithesis of assertiveness. On the passive
side, that could mean shutting up for a while or even for a very long
time. (This is one source or cue for the development of Type II, vs.
Type I anger problems. It also sets the stage for later experiences
of anxiety, depression and/or addictions.) Or, your parents could
have yelled and wildly gesticulated. (The stereotype of the Italian
family with everyone waving their arms in the air while raising their
voices comes to mind. I’m not big into stereotypes and I’ve worked
with plenty of Italians who don’t do this, so don’t send me any email….)
The dark side of anger (mis)management is violence. This could be
verbal and/or physical. This does a lot of psychological damage
but first it communicates that acting out is OK when one is mad.
If it is paired with alcohol or drug use, then later, one is going
to be more prone to act out when intoxicated, or worse, will seek to
get intoxicated to let out anger. This is true of both Type I and
Type II folks. These are the folks who can become very nasty after
a few drinks.
In our family-of-origin experiences can be found the seeds of
our present biases, tendencies and/or proclivities. If Mom and Dad
were “cool” when they got angry, the chances are pretty good we will
be, too. Always? No. These are just psychological starting
points that we automatically, usually unconsciously, consider when
we are prompted to become angry and/or express/experience anger.
If Mom and Dad “rage-out,” as one recent teenaged client told me,
we will more readily consider that as an option when we get mad.
If there is violence associated with anger, a child will quickly
learn to hit or generally “aggress” when frustrated. Children have
something of a natural tendency to try hitting with or without seeing
parents or older siblings do it. If parents and/or siblings hit,
younger children quickly get the message that it is OK. This
pattern of behavior will tend to become “extinct” if curtailed.
Sometimes, simple lack of reinforcement works. In other words,
don’t give it attention. Better yet, model an assertive behavior
to deal with anger, and the tendency to hit to express anger diminishes.
This process starts early in a child’s life. We learn very
quickly how we are supposed to “be” when we have certain experiences.
So, when we are two or three years old and we see our parents or older
siblings behave in respectable ways when they are cranky, we
immediately begin to absorb that behavior pattern. The same is true
if our parents and older siblings act out. Because we are only two
or three years old, we won’t exactly be good at copying these behaviors
right away, but the blueprint is presented and quickly cements into
place. Kids, especially very young ones, are like sponges. They
absorb everything uncritically. What they absorb is the “norm” from
their point of view, because they have no basis of comparison
(with other families when they are that young) and because kids that
young have no logical or rational abstract ability. As we mature,
good and bad patterns are both reinforced. Later, the stable patterns
begin to control our thoughts and behaviors. Over time, they become
the “default” settings, so to speak, guiding us automatically,
instructing us about what might be the normative behaviors when we have
negative emotions. We learn what cues, circumstances and other
environmental triggers should or will elicit our behaviors, good or bad.
For better or worse, if not altered, this will go on for years, even a
whole lifetime.
-Dr. Griggs

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