Sunday, April 25, 2010

Before the Divorce-Part III

Before the Divorce-Part III
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have for over
twenty years dealt with parents and children who are experiencing
some phase of relationship and usually family dissolution. This
is Part III of a three part series of articles on what parent's might
do before separating and/or divorcing, written from a child's point
of view. Please read Parts I and II before reading this article.
THE KID'S POINT OF VIEW
As the parental union dissolves children's needs surface with
greater intensity. Here's a kind of "wish list" compiled from
kids regarding their needs and their parent's behaviors, as separation
commences. These are the ideas that hopefully will guide parents
when they "do the deed" of actually separating. Many of the following
statements were made, almost verbatim by children.
1) I want both of you to stay involved in my life. That means write
letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions.
If you aren't involved, I feel like I'm not important and that
you don't really love me.
2) I want both of you to stop fighting and work hard to get along
with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you
fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel
guilty.
3) I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with
each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with
each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to
take sides and love one parent more than the other.
4) Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I do not
have to send messages back and forth. Do not tell me about adult
stuff. Don't ask me about the other parent or my visits with the
other parent or the other parent's life. I cannot stand being
in-between.
5) When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things,
or do not say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things
about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take
your side.
6) Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life.
I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is
important, and to help me when I have problems.
7) Do not one of you move away or try to separate me from either
one of you. I want things to the same as they were before, if
that is possible.
One parent who successfully navigated the ups and downs of this
process likens it to traveling internationally. You don't know what to
expect, but you hope that the children will develop a willingness to be
flexible, adapt to different 'cultures', and learn and grow throughout
the challenges, rather than withdraw. Rather than approach the process
with fear and trepidation, think about the lessons that can be gained and
expect that, with support, the kids will flourish.
For the complete ebook on this subject and a related ebook
("Child Visitation and the Formation of Self-Esteem"), follow the links below.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Before the Divorce-Part II

Before the Divorce-Part II
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have for over
twenty years dealt with parents and children who are experiencing
some phase of relationship and usually family dissolution. This
is Part II of a three part series of articles on what parent's might
do before separating and/or divorcing, written from a child's point
of view. Please read Part I before reading this article.
When parents finally settle on a course of action, they will
need to actually sit down and tell the child(ren) what's coming.
Before doing so, consider the following points:
1) Try to have both parents present for the discussion.
2) Timing may or may not play a role. However, assuming it is,
pick a relaxed time of day, when there are no impending
commitments.
3) Use simple language. Be straightforward.
4) Acknowledge that it's a sad situation and that your child is
likely to experience big, painful feelings. Allow your
child to cry, become angry, or have other natural reactions.
Have empathy and be sensitive.
5) Show your children some of your feelings. The trick is to be
congruent (genuinely showing some of the parent's real
feelings); however, don't overdo it in front of the children.
Children need to know the parents will still take care of them
and are not compromised, but at the same time children need to
know they can emote and that parents will accept their feelings.
Children will, to some extent, follow the parent's example.
Stay calm if this is possible, but also be real.
6) Let kids know that you and your soon-to-be-ex-partner love them
and will keep them safe, whether you're together or not.
7) Give the children some general reasons for the split-up.
8) Be clear about general and some specific expectations, post
separation. For example, talk about the new living
arrangements or visitation schedules, if known. Who is going
to live, where? Is anyone leaving the home? Kids need some
transition time and later will ask much deeper and more
extensive questions about why the parents are separating.
Don't share adult problems with a child. Stay with the children
until their first round of reactions and questions are done.
9) Avoid blaming the other parent even if one parent really thinks
the other was the cause. Now is the time to present a
"unified front" to the children, which is why talking, as adults,
was so important before approaching the children.
Can this be done amicably? My experience as a counselor is that
most parents can muster enough courage to try this and at least patially
succeed, once. After that, parents find it too hard to do again with
anything resembling aplomb. That ought to tell us how hard the
experience is for children, but this usually isn't enough to motivate
parents to keep trying. Planning is crucial and probably parents are
only going to get one clear chance to communicate about this very
important even to their children in the presence of the other parent.
Considering what will happen to the family and the children after the
divorce, it is paramount that parents really, really try to do this
right the first time. There are exceptions, of course, and sometimes
divorces "just happen" as parents "naturally" and gradually separate,
forming their own nests away. Unfortunately, this is very rare, so
this treatise is intended for folks who have the "usual" experience of
divorcing and having to tell the kids.
Continued in Part III. For the complete ebook on this subject
and a related ebook ("Child Visitation and the Formation of Self-Esteem"),
follow the links below.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html

BEFORE THE DIVORCE-Part I

BEFORE THE DIVORCE-Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with divorcing parents and their children for over two decades.
The divorce of parents is a major life event, and it is something a
child might still be coping with, sometimes well into adulthood.
If they are smart or not too embattled, there are a number of
considerations that wise parents might entertain before "doing the
deed." And, if done right, the potential damage from divorce at
least can be mitigated. In some cases, some kids can and do thrive
after their parents' divorce. But, setting it up before the divorce
actually occurs is a crucial first step. (In other articles, this
author has discurrsed what parents might do for their kids "after"
the divorce. See below for the link.) This article is in three
parts. The first part deals with the general considerations.
Part II will describe the nine specific points that really make a
difference in your child's experience, before and during the
separation/divorce, and that set up successfully negotiating the
very murky and unsettling waters that follow. Part III describes
the child's point of view, which are the biggest and best reasons to
try to do this right...
One of the best things parents can do for the children is to
actually plan the divorce before speaking to the kids. The following
is a list of ideas to consider before actually "pulling the plug."
First, be absolutely certain that the divorce or separation will
actually happen before you tell the kids. Don't say the parents are
going to separate, then not separate. Do not say the parents are
going to separate, and then separate and later re-unite. This will
make the kids crazy. Once, said, the parents really should follow
through with what is communicated.
Try to confer with the other parent and for the sake of your
children, put aside hurt and angry feelings. If you must have them,
and in all likelihood you will, share them with each other as adults
when the kids are elsewhere. Make decisions together about the
details that need to be told to the child(ren). As a parent, if you
do not have this conversation beforehand, you may end up having it in
front of, or worse, through your kids. Agree ahead of time that the
children will not be conduits through which adult information travels.
Sometimes counselors can help if the parents can't communicate.
Then, think about how much advance warning your child(ren) will
need once you know what to tell them. There is no magic formula, but
as parents, you know more about your child's emotional maturity than
anyone else--or you should. If you have an older child, talk to him
or her at least a month before you and your soon-to-be-ex begin living
apart. Toddlers don't need as much time so parents can wait until a week
or two before introducing any big changes. Little children have little
sense of time. Regardless of their age, children need to know they are
safe and well taken care of, so if parents presage upcoming changes,
even if they can't yet understand the precise meaning of your words,
children will take the news better if they know their basic needs are
and will be met.
Continued in Part II. For the complete ebook on this subject and
a related ebook ("Child Visitation and the Formation of Self-Esteem"),
follow the links below.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part IV

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part IV

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for almost twenty-five years. By far, the single
most central element, the one thing that pervades almost every
other issue is self-esteem. It touches everything--sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. This is Part IV of a four-part series in which the
subject of self-esteem is explored, particularly in the context of
"visiting" divorced parents. This emotional and physical climate
challenges the natural development of self-esteem--it is hard to
parent children through this even if the family is intact!
The development of self-esteem is examined through the author's
system and theory of self-esteem. There are four primary elements
of self-esteem. In my system, I call them "Powers" because when we
develop any one of them, we become more personally powerful.
The Four Powers of Self-Esteem are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength
and Self-Acceptance. Please read Parts I, II and III before reading
this article.
The Fourth Power is Self-Acceptance. This is the last of the
four powers to develop, and depends upon a unique psychological
configuration. This power is about accepting ourselves no matter
what. We may have pimples, poor abilities in any area, be overweight,
move slowly, not complete assignments, etc. On the other hand, we may
excel in any of these areas. It does not matter. No matter what our
qualities are, we accept them just as they are, and we are content with
that, even though there may or may not be some desire to change.
On the surface, this seems like a simple thing to do, but it is not.
To master this last Power, one has to be embedded in a
psychological environment that is permeated by what Rogerian
psychologists call "unconditional positive regard." That means our
support figures accept us as we are, so we are cued to do the same with
ourselves. It is rare for parents to completely send this message to
us or to each other, but this is the psychological spawning ground from
which we learn to think and feel this way about others, and then about
ourselves.
Now, imagine that a child lives in two houses and the parents are
divorced and/or separated. Imagine the body language alone that each
parent uses to communicate about the other parents. Do you think this
is a positive message? Granted, there are exceptions, but they are rare
and are not usually seen in this counselor's office. Rather, the
messages are negative and the child absorbs this dynamic message.
Sometimes the enmity is so intense the child experiences unconditional
negative regard. How could a child learn to treat himself or herself
with unconditional self-acceptance while living in this emotional climate?
It is almost impossible for children to do this. On good days, this is
easier but on bad days, there is not much opportunity to just accept
oneself as is. So, the child experiences mixed messages from others,
which becomes the blueprint for self-acceptance.
Some kids seem to have a high degree of self-acceptance even though
they come from divorced families and have endured not just mixed messages,
but high levels of criticisms or just chronic family conflict. These kids
usually are highly suppressed, and later repressed about conflict.
They appear to be calm and self-accepting on the surface, but are
stockpiling lots of negative feelings at deeper levels. This is "faux"
self-acceptance and belies a process that in the future will erupt
unpredictably. They hold feelings in, then hold in more feelings, and
then like too much air in a balloon, go "BOOM." This is what I call the
"Shut Up, Shut Up, Blow Up" model, because these kids are unpredictable
explosions waiting to happen. This is repeated again and again, cycling
between forced and pressured quiescence and out of control rancor.
The child learns to split off from the bad and try to embrace the good parts,
thus suppression and repression are periodically reinforced, even encouraged,
in contrast to their self-esteems, which collapse during eruptions.
Going back and forth between different houses with different parents
whose temperaments and proclivities to process conflict differ presents
children with challenges to their self-esteem. This manifests in four
different arenas of self, as described in the Four Powers of Self-Esteem.
Each power builds on the previous one and all are reactive to household
environments. It would be wise for parents to be mindful of these
Four Powers in their dealings with children from divorced homes. It is very,
very hard to adequately parent a child when the family is intact. It is
much more difficult to steer children through the murky waters of divorce
and/or separation and avoid damaging that very fragile vessel we call self-esteem.

-Dr. Griggs


http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page16.html

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part III

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part III

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for almost twenty-five years. By far, the single
most central element, the one thing that pervades almost every
other issue is self-esteem. It touches everything--sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. This is Part III of a four-part series in which the
subject of self-esteem is explored, particularly in the context of
"visiting" divorced parents. This emotional and physical climate
challenges the natural development of self-esteem--it is hard to
parent children through this even if the family is intact!
The development of self-esteem is examined through the author's
system and theory of self-esteem. There are four primary elements
of self-esteem. In my system, I call them "Powers" because when we
develop any one of them, we become more personally powerful.
The Four Powers of Self-Esteem are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength
and Self-Acceptance. Please read Parts I and II before
reading this article.
The Second Power of Self-Esteem is Competence. This refers to
actual abilities. It is based upon Worth, which is the First Power,
and refines what a child can or cannot do. Children frequently flee
to developing competence in particular areas to compensate feelings of
inferiority, largely exacerbated or even created by the offshoots of
warring parents' communications. In short, if the child feels bad
at a self-esteem level (from chronic negative introjects), he or she
will strive to offset the effect by honing natural abilities.
This is when kids start noticing they can run faster than others,
spell better, are prettier or get better grades on tests. This is
when kids notice they are more popular or just have better social skills
evinced by more friends or more invitations to birthday parties.
Usually, kids are motivated to develop these abilities anyway, but in
divorced situations, which in these articles are presumed to cause
circumstances that are more contentious and experiences, the drive to
manifest one's natural skills is enhanced. It may be compensation,
but it is natural to seek out one's abilities, and in these
circumstances, the payoffs are doubled. Not only does the child raise
his or her self-esteem in the natural ways, but also the reward is that
the good feelings that come by doing so mask the bad feelings inside.
This can happen at any age. Kids naturally do this in grade school
when surrounded by other competing kids. This drive is peaked by
academia because the feedback about kids' performance is concentrated
and abundant in school. What better time to step up and show off.
What better way to feel better or at least distract attention from other,
less pleasant experiences at home?
Riding on the heels of the Second Power is the Third Power. This
is Ego-Strength, and is comprised to two elements. The first is
assertiveness. Assertiveness is the quality or ability to speak up
effectively about one's thoughts and feelings. In another ebook
("The Five Steps of Assertiveness"), I outline the steps to becoming
assertive, which are really quite simple and orderly; meaning, each
step follows the one preceding it. Kids have to learn to speak up and
to do so spontaneously. This is almost mandated at school, encouraged
and reinforced in class and on the playground.
However, parents do not always encourage assertiveness at home when
there is divorce or separation looming. The exceptional parent in this
circumstance does encourage the child to "air" his or her experiences.
This is hard enough for children to do in "normal" families, because their
self-esteems are not fully formed. Therefore, in learning to be assertive,
kids must endure a certain trial and error process. The point here is
that while assertiveness may be encouraged in school, at home it may be
avoided. Why? The number one reason to not be assertive is to avoid
conflict. Because kids and many adults confuse assertiveness with
aggressiveness, they reason that if they speak up it will cause conflict.
There are already too many fights in my home(s), so why start more?
Better to shut up. I often hear, "At school I might speak up but not at
home."
The second element of the Third Power is "Thick Skinned-ness."
This simply means the ability to take criticism, to not take negative
feedback so personally and to roll with the punches. It happens when
people decide they will act this way, but by default, many kids find
themselves possessing this ability after finding out they can do something
especially well. In other words, strength can be borrowed or transmuted
from one area and used in another, to thicken one's armor in this case.
(We psychologists call this "bridging.")
There is another set of experiences that create thick skinned-ness.
Just as soldiers de-sensitize and toughen up on the battlefield, so do
children fortify their defenses against parent wars at home. This is
the hard way to develop thick skinned-ness, but it is often what kids do
when they have no other escape. Again, we child psychologists see this
in normal families, particularly in families where there are lots of
siblings, or very assertive parents. In these cases, usually there is a
positive role model present who teaches the child to roll with the punches,
not just grit his or her teeth and endure. Usually there is more support
after the conflict. This is very necessary for children to process their
feelings, re-constitute their sense of self and bond with the supporting
parent or older sib. In divorcing families, this resource is more likely
to be diluted or even lacking until visitation rotates. The child may
learn to de-compensate by going to friends' houses, or withdrawing, or
sometimes crying and becoming depressed and/or anxious. In the latter
case, this is the beginning of learned helplessness. Learned helplessness
is the term that means shutting down and just taking the punishment (enduring
stress in silence) because there is no support and no escape. If this
happens, the child is in very deep psychological trouble.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page16.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part II

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part II

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for almost twenty-five years. By far, the single
most central element, the one thing that pervades almost every
other issue is self-esteem. It touches everything--sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. This is Part II of a four-part series in which the
subject of self-esteem is explored, particularly in the context of
"visiting" divorced parents. This emotional and physical climate
challenges the natural development of self-esteem--it is hard to
parent children through this even if the family is intact!
The development of self-esteem is examined through the author's
system and theory of self-esteem. There are four primary elements
of self-esteem. In my system, I call them "Powers" because when we
develop any one of them, we become more personally powerful.
The Four Powers of Self-Esteem are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength
and Self-Acceptance. Please read Part I before reading this article.
As said before, even good parents functioning in intact families
can miss the boat in these two areas. In a divorcing-parent
household, this is even more difficult to achieve. The goal is to
carry out the nasty business of divorcing and leave the child's ego
intact. Sound almost impossible?
One of the biggest pitfalls parents stumble over is telling the
child too much. "Daddy isn't coming over tonight to get you and your
brother because he has another girlfriend." "Mommy doesn't care
enough about you to buy you new school clothes." These statements
are extremely damaging to the child, and they provide more information
than the child can handle. They cannot control absent parents and
they cannot defend against the messages that the child is less important
than someone or something else. Communicate this kind of message to
a child only a few times and just watch the acting out escalate.
Rather, tells the child "Mommy had something of a problem, sends
her love and wants to see you longer tomorrow. You don't have to worry."
Tell the child, "Mommy and Daddy are going to each buy you school
supplies. You might even get more than you think." Leave out the
damaging parts and emphasize the positive. Embedded in each of these
positive messages is the idea that the child is important, loved and will
be cared for, despite the state of the parents. In reality, divorcing
parents usually are nowhere near the state of mind needed to be so nice.
Negativity creeps into messages, even ones intended to be neutral, and
the child goes down the dark path of self-recriminating thoughts and
feelings.
Children take in these lousy self-messages in great quantity.
Then, they are stuck with them and have to compensate. What does a
child do with a bunch of negative self-introjects? Well, initially,
their anxiety goes up and since children do not have vocabularies to
express their feelings, they act out. In younger children, anxiety
spikes, then motor behaviors increase, often resulting in the child
getting into things, pushing limits, testing, or being aggressive.
In short, they misbehave, and then the consequences are meted out, if
the parents still have their wits about them.
Another process that damages the child's sense of basic worth is
the different rules, values, rewards and punishments between the
two-divorced parent's homes. Parents that could not work together
when married and then divorced are even less likely to work together
after the separation. That leaves the child in something of a no-man's
land relative to constancy. (Constancy is a psychological term that
refers to the experience of sameness and dependability of perceptions,
even though the stimuli that engender the reaction might vary.)
In common parlance, the child needs his or her emotional and other
experiences in the different parent's houses to be as close to the same
as possible. Predictably, this does not happen as much as needed either;
sometimes almost never, depending upon a lot of factors.
The child gets different messages about self in each house, again
tinged with other messages about the current non-custodial parent.
(Keep in mind that just because one parent does not "say" anything about
the other parent does not mean that messages are not being communicated.
Remember, eighty or ninety percent of person-to-person communication is
non-verbal.) Then the child goes to the other parent's house, where the
routines are different and the messages about the parent just left
robably also are negative; thus negating some of the first parent's
messages, while piling on more insult and injury. This happens
repeatedly as the child goes back and forth. The result? The child
disconnects; meaning, withdraws, or invests in social activities with or
without friends rather than parents, or maybe invests in activities that
highlight his or her strengths. (In severe cases, we child psychologists
see the beginnings of mental illness.) This opens up the Second Power
of Self-Esteem.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page16.html

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part I

Child Visitation and The Formation Of Self-Esteem--Part I

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for almost twenty-five years. By far, the single
most central element, the one thing that pervades almost every
other issue is self-esteem. It touches everything--sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. This is Part I of a four-part series in which the
subject of self-esteem is explored, particularly in the context of
"visiting" divorced parents. This emotional and physical climate
challenges the natural development of self-esteem--it is hard to
parent children through this even if the family is intact!
The development of self-esteem is examined through the author's
system and theory of self-esteem. There are four primary elements
of self-esteem. In my system, I call them "Powers" because when we
develop any one of them, we become more personally powerful.
The Four Powers of Self-Esteem are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength
and Self-Acceptance.
Self-esteem is an epiphenomenon; that is, it grows out of a
collection of many, many smaller experiences, which I call phenomena.
These coalesce, and the general theme or average of these experiences
generates something of a psychological derivative, which we call
self-esteem. Self-esteem emerges as a function of the amassing of
zillions of messages, accrued over time.
The first or foundation concept of self-esteem is basic worth.
This is the First Power in my system. It stems from our families of
origin. Normally, we start out life being wanted and being important.
Healthy child experiences include being loved, paid attention to, fed,
having our diapers changed, and generally, being nurtured. In an ideal
setting, this occurs in the context of a family, ideally consisting of a
mother and father, possibly siblings and pets.
We all know this "Leave It To Beaver" family configuration does not
always, nor even usually happen in the real world. In addition, to be
honest, even if it did, there is no guarantee that self-esteem would be
any better in the end. However, what happens to the child's developing
self-esteem when the ideal family experience becomes something else?
Basic worth is the deepest sense we have of ourselves when it comes
to self-esteem. We get most of our "default" self-esteem values from
our parents, who presumably help us along by maintaining an intact family
and by getting along. In addition, presumably, when parents split up,
there is probably much more conflict. In really bad scenarios, this
spills over into the parent's interaction with the child. It sends an
extra negative message to the child, who interprets the "vibe" or perhaps
the message itself if the child is old enough, as something negative about
the child. It probably is not the case that the child is faulty, but
because very young children are essentially narcissistic, any phenomenon
in their environment will be interpreted as a message about them.
This is more true when the child is very young, less so as the child
matures.
When parental conflicts boil over into the child's psychological
sphere, the child will think not that the parents have a problem; but
rather, that the child has one. The first message the child likely
derives from this is that the child is defective, not the warring
parents. Of course, this is not the case, so parents have to exercise
caution not to contaminate the child with their (negative in this case)
tone, because the child will "inculcate" the tone into its
self-representational scheme. In plain language, the child's sense
of self will be dinged.
This process, as the reader might intuit, is not rational.
It is associational; that is, the child is in this place and space, and
such and such an experience occurs in that same space and place, so the
inner experience of the child gets associated with the outer experience
that occupies the same space and place. Narcissism and immaturity
bind the two together and makes it personal; therefore, negative outer
experiences become negative inner ones and the child's sense of self
"takes a hit." This is very difficult for parents to understand,
because it is not logical. Remember, children don't really "get"
logic until around age eight or later (more like nine) and usually eleven
years or older for real, emerging abstract ability. It is unrealistic
of parents to expect kids will think otherwise at these ages, because
children are not hardwired this way.
This brings up two things that parents might consider when trying to
parent. One, don't fight in front of the kids. The single biggest
problem kids have with parents is parental conflict. During a divorce,
this intensifies. Parental conflict raises anxiety and five-fold
increases the likelihood of the child acting out, usually with anxiety
and/or aggression. If parents must fight, move the argument out of the
room, preferably out of the house as some walls are thin and some kid's
ears are big. Preferably, parents should "get over it" before returning
to interact with the children. Kids are not dumb, and even though the
parents may not be yelling, the kids sense the tone, volume, and overall
non-verbal aspects of communication far more than parents realize.
Two, don't expect kids to understand what is going on with the parents.
Even older kids either do not "get" that either, or maybe they simply do
not want to be involved. If kids want to take the risk and ask the parents
questions about what is going on, they will (although most kids prefer to
try to duck the conflict). If you as the parent want to answer questions
from the child about what is going, be cautious and answer only what was
asked at the level of the question. Answer only in terms the child can
understand. Make sure the child knows this has nothing to do with the
child.
Failing to avoid contaminating the child with conflict-laden
information or failing to recognize the narcissistic tendency to take in
experience and immediately apply it to the child's sense of self, and
failing to present information to the child at the child's own level, all
contribute to negative self-introjects; that is, negative messages about
self, taken in as if they are really a part of self. This is the stuff
of the First Power, which is primary, deep and central. If parents want
to create a powerful First Power (Basic Worth), the above are clear things
to avoid.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page16.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Anatomy of Anxiety

The Anatomy of Anxiety

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have seen
clients with anxiety for twenty-five years. That and
depression seem to be the number one and number two presenting
complaints.
Anxiety accompanies major depression seventy-five percent
of the time, not because it is a separate syndrome in this case,
but because it appears to be part of the depression problem.
So, treating the depression, with psychotherapy, medications,
or both, usually resolves a significant part of the anxiety.
This is diagnostic, because if the anxiety lifts in rough
proportion to the depression, then it probably is really about
depression, not anxiety, proper.
However, we all know there are anxiety "experiences" that
do not correlate with depression. Panic attacks and phobias
are two. OCD and PTSD can occur separately, too, but often
are accompanied by depression.
Or, there can be what psychologists call "co-morbid"
conditions. This is when anxiety and depression co-exist as
separate entities, not necessarily one causing the other.
It is a little confusing, but necessary to distinguish,
because in this article I'm going to talk just about anxiety
of the panic and phobia kinds, even though OCD sufferers will
be able to "relate."
What is the role of anxiety? Anxiety is the harbinger
of feeling out of control. It is a "red flag" from the back
of your mind (think subconscious) to the front of your mind
(think conscious). It's telling you that if you keep doing
what your are doing, or thinking what you are thinking, something
bad is going to happen and you are not going to be in control.
What is the response to anxiety? Most of us stop doing what
we were doing or thinking what we were thinking, and then our
anxiety diminishes. Presto! Instant reward for avoiding!
We no longer have to deal with those pesky "background" thoughts
or feelings because we removed ourselves from the triggers
(think "cues") that elicited our anxiety. In other words,
something in our environment reminded us of something we don't
like (memory, feeling, situation, etc.), but we didn't really
want to consciously pay attention to it. So, when our
subconscious mind perceived that this was going to be stimulated
(memories, feelings, thoughts, etc.), it directed us to steer
clear and "disconnect."
This is a neat trick and an almost automatic defense
mechanism. We all do this every day. The subconscious is very,
very good at picking up potential threats, way before the
conscious mind catches on. Panic and phobia sufferers have
perfected this escape trick, and at the same time have buried
lots of feelings, memories and other associations
(to the trigger). They have very high internal "pressure"
due to such a load of background feelings, memories, etc.
Precisely to the extent they have an overload of repressed
material and precisely to the extent they strive to avoid it
dictates the strength of the panic or phobia.

-Dr.Griggs

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http://www.drgriggs.org

Fighting Is Not An Option

Fighting Is Not An Option

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist I deal with
eight issues everyday. They range from addictions, to child
problems, to ADHD, learning disabilities, lack of assertiveness,
anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and so on. The big one is
relationships. This aspect of our lives seems to plague
everyone, and not coincidentally, relationships are THE
experience that make or break most people in the real world.
This applies to our business world and especially to our
personal lives.
It should come as no surprise that personal relationships
start out with a bang and then fade in intensity as time passes.
Novelty yields to routine and excitement give in to acceptance
of increasing regularity. While this is normal, the deeper
personalities we all carry surface more and more along this
time and experience continuum. The longer we are with someone,
the more our real selves surface, often in direct proportion to
diminishing enchantment.
It is during the very beginning and then later stages that
interpersonal fights are more likely to occur. In the beginning,
there is less investment in our partner, because being new, the
relationship is still expendable. This raises the potential for
fighting because there is diminished bonding coupled with greater
contrast-both heighten potential for conflict. Novelty is fun but
is essentially unstable. As we bond, this changes and there occurs
more bonding with proportionally increasing threat of loss if the
relationship terminates. Again, this is proportional to the amount
of cathexis (investment of emotional energy, in the broadest use of
the term).
The likelihood of fighting actually decreases during this
"latency" period. However, if the relationship doesn't stabilize;
that is, develop with both partners contributing equal skills in
areas like conflict resolution, tensions begin to mount.
Eventually, latency fades and chronic tensions emerge, even reign,
influencing behaviors like communication skills (or lack of),
cooperation and the projection of empathy vs. self-oriented impulses.
When conflict resolution skills are not present, this post-latency
behavior pattern foments decompensation, in this case through
"stock-piling" or vicarious acting out.
If couples fail to grapple with these very natural relationship
patterns, conflict will sooner or later surface (more likely
"take over") and contaminate what was once a very enjoyable experience
together. If one understands this dynamic, steps can be taken to
head off trouble. This is the major way the tendency to fight is
mitigated.
The other way is more local; that is, specific to circumstance,
and has to do with conflict resolution skills as they are applied to
any given disagreement. Fighting is more likely to happen when
either party is immature, impulsive, emotionally constricted or mood
disordered, involved in activities that compromise judgment (too much
alcohol or drug use, extreme fatigue) or when one of the partners
chooses (consciously or unconsciously) to NOT utilize effective
communication. In short, the most impaired partner is more likely
to set off a fight. Conversely, it takes two to fight, so the most psychologically intact partner is most likely to control if and when
the fight occurs, if at all.
The more conscious and motivated either partner is, the more
fighting becomes an option, not a default experience, one that can be
chosen if one of the partners really wants to fight, or worked around,
employing communication and others skills if one or more partners
chooses otherwise. Most people fight because they abdicate insight,
personal choice, interpersonal recognition of differences and/or
empathy. Maturity compensates for some of this, but without
interpersonal communication skills and some basic knowledge about
how our partners function and their needs and underlying intentions,
fights still occur.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html

Guilt is a Four Letter Word

Guilt is a Four Letter Word

OK, I know I can't count, but this title gets people's
attention about this very debilitating feeling and the underlying
dynamics that set it up.

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I run into
lots of conditions, many of which rest upon the deeper dynamic of
anxiety. Relationships usually bring this experience up, as it is
hard to feel guilty without having some relationship with some one,
some time or in some meaningful way.

Guilt is a special form of anxiety, unlike the classic
experiences of panic, phobia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It probably is closer to
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), but even that is not accurate.
Guilt is what happens when we are judged to have failed in some way.
We violated a standard by doing something we "should" not have or by
"not" doing something we should have. I call these sins of
commission and sins of omission, respectively.

On the surface, guilt is experienced as a form of anxiety.
But that is not the entire story. There is another feeling that is
embedded in guilt that is often not entirely in awareness. That
feeling is resentment.

Resentment comes from being judged by having failed some standard.
The resentment comes because that standard is someone else's, not our
own. When we endorse something and fail to behave according to some
standard, the experience of anxiety is associated with having to deal
with the difference between our behavior and that dictated by the
standard. The magnitude of the guilt is related to the pressure of
the standard or the consequence of failure. The bigger either is, the
greater the anxiety.

Resentment follows the same logrhythm, but is largely out of
awareness. Because the standard against which we are being compared
is originally, and perhaps still is not ours, we, at some level resent
the psychological intrusion. The standard and our gut level reactions
control
us. We may not have been aware of when we were exposed to the
offending standards or even if we were conscious of accepting them, but
if they exist in our minds, then there is the potential for conflict
when there are behavioral "violations." Guilt is the special anxiety
that is accompanied by resentment.

The basis of this is our ideas of what is right or wrong. These
are given to us as children, either directly through teachings or
exposure to the behaviors of many who act according to their own
teachings. Thus, we get values of what is correct or proper or moral
from the usual sources--parents, relatives, schools and churches. At
some point our individuality emerges and, being the naturally assertive,
even selfish core that it is, challenges the standards. Our core selves
generally want what they want, and then have to adjust as external reality "
happens." The clash is classically Freudian (Id vs. Superego) and plays
out in us all. The resolve is a little Freud but more Perlsian (as in
Fritz Perls of Gestalt Therapy fame). Here's how.

To resolve the guilt, one has to express the resentment, to indulge
the split between what is shoved into our faces vs. what we would like to
shove back out. To resolve the guilt, one has to feel that resentment,
express it and then create a third standard. This means challenging
what "should" have occurred (wrongly committed or wrongly omitted) by
consciously extolling what is wanted. Freud would say this is how the
Ego resolves the tensions, and it appears he was correct. (I am not a
practicing Freudian). The third standard is what is appropriate to
reality and if I am functioning in a psychologically healthy manner,
I will express it assertively. I will challenge the implied standards
that others use against me to control me (Perl's definition of guilt)
and substitute my own, as I judge reality and the appropriateness of my
actions.

To conclude, guilt "should" not be what people use to manipulate
each other and "should" be treated like a four-letter word--avoided, if
possible.

-Dr.Griggs

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http://drgriggs.org