What Terms We Need To Understand When Changing Teen's Behaviors--Part III

Another term is Classical Conditioning. Remember when Pavlov
(the Russian physiologist) rang a bell, and then gave a dog some food
(meat powder), which made the dog salivate? Pavlov did this over and
over with the same dog and pretty soon the dog would salivate just to the
sound of the bell, anticipating the food. Well, I'm not going to do much
of this, because it's hard to get teenagers to sit still long enough to
listen to bells and search for food. But the principle is good and
illustrates that when good or bad reinforcers follow stimuli, the behaviors
increase or decrease, respectively, no matter what the time, place or event.
Telling or showing people what's coming before it occurs is training them to react positively to the anticipated event. As it turns out, it also increases the effectiveness of the reinforcers and their contingencies.
Operant Conditioning is similar to classical conditioning, only it
happens in real life, everywhere, not just in a lab. The difference is that operant conditioning doesn't have some of the obvious signs to alert us that a reward is coming, like in classical conditioning (modeling, or the bell ringing). In real life, while we are "out and about," most of the rewards follow our behaviors, sans forewarning. These behaviors are called operants or responses. In real life, the good things that follow our behaviors increase our behaviors, whereas the bad things that follow our behaviors decrease our behaviors. The difference between Classical and Operant Conditioning is mostly that in the latter, conditioning takes place in an open, usually less structured environment without formal cues preceding the rewards.
From the above, there are, so far, two ways to increase good
behaviors--positive and negative reinforcement. To refresh your memory,
you either "present" a positive reinforcer (reward) after a behavior or you take away a threat of an impending punishment after a behavior. Both increase a behavior. Conventional thinking is that there is only one way to decrease a behavior, and that is to follow it with punishments. Well, that's the traditional thinking.
It turns out there is another way to think about changing behavior, and that is to make a negative behavior become extinct by increasingly positively reinforcing an appropriate positive behavior that is incompatible with the negative behavior. Huh? This means positive reinforcers amp up good behaviors that are then used to make "extinct" negative behaviors, without punishment. You positively focus on behaviors that are the opposite of bad behaviors and reinforce them four times as much. The idea is to use this positive approach a lot more than any negative strategy. Use it enough and the need for punishments sharply decreases and in some cases, disappears. (See other articles by this author for a further discussion of punishments, their place and
consequences.)
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

What Terms We Need To Understand When Changing Teen's Behaviors_Part II

To Review, there are three contingencies of reinforcers; immediacy,
consistency and constancy. These are the aspects of reinforcers that
create change. I've related all of them to increasing positive behaviors
by applying the contingencies to each behavior you want to increase.
The same arrangement works to decrease negative behaviors, if the
contingencies are applied using punishments. Immediacy means applying
punishment after a behavior, right away, not in five minutes. It will
decrease the frequency and intensity of the behavior. Consistency works
on decreasing negative behaviors by following them with a punishment,
in this case every time, not every other time. And, constancy also
applies to punishments, just like immediacy and consistency. You apply
the same kind of punishment each time to decrease behaviors. But at
this point I'm not focusing on punishments--on purpose. Keep reading.
Another term is Shaping. This is when you reward a behavior that
is sort of close to what you want, just not all the way there. If I
want a pigeon to learn to do pirouettes, I'll start by giving it food
when it makes only left turns, which pigeons randomly do. It doesn't
get anything for right turns. Pretty soon, the pigeon is turning just
left and not long after has made a complete turn, or circle to the
left--a pirouette! I shaped it into making a complete turn by rewarding
just one (small) behavior that ultimately led to a complete turn.
I didn't worry about the final behavior--just the little steps that were in the correct direction.
Another term is Extinction. It doesn't mean a species died out.
It simply means a behavior went away. If a behavior stops occurring,
it is said to have become extinct (stopped). This happens all the time.
How many behaviors do you not do anymore? If you are an adult, you
probably no longer stuff things under your mattress (like kids do when
they don't want to take the time to clean up their rooms). If you still
do that, then your spouse is probably the one reading this e-book and will
apply these techniques to you. In the past, did you yell at your friends
but later learn to talk quietly? Good. Yelling became extinct. You want to make extinct some of the behaviors in your teenager or else you wouldn't be reading this article. People grow and change. Old behaviors yield to new ones. You get the idea.
Another term is Modeling. This is when you show off good behaviors,
hoping others will copy you. At the dinner table, you use your silverware
to eat, not your hands. Right? Your teens will (sooner or later) do the same, partly because you do, partly because you praise them after they
finally pick up a fork (positive reinforcer, in this case using shaping).
Another example is driving the speed limit--a good behavior to model,
especially when teenagers first get behind the wheel. Getting a driver's
license later is a good, though it is a delayed positive reinforcement.
A subset of modeling is Cueing. That just means you provide a hint
that something is coming, good or bad, and that usually stops the teen long enough to think first, then behave. You are prompting your teenager that other, better behavior should follow, which resembles modeling. It's just not as formal as modeling. For example, your teen starts to reach for food with his hands (vs. using silverware). You clear your throat loudly while raising your eyebrows and looking at the silverware. He or she gets the idea even though you are not yet eating with silverware (which would be modeling, formally).
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

What Terms We Need To Understand When Changing Teen's Behaviors--Part I

This is the first of a three-part series of articles introducing an approach to changing teenager's behavior.
I've been a child psychologist for twenty-seven years. During that time, I've evolved a system for dealing with children. It involves some basic reinforcement strategies, but it also has some new ideas. People tell me they want the nuts and bolts or, "How To's" about various subjects and they want it fast. So, here's my "to the point" version of how to change teenager's behavior. This and many subsequent articles will explore teenager various subjects, but first there needs to occur a discussion of some introductory terms.
The first one is Reinforcer. A reinforcer is anything that follows a
behavior that either increases or decreases some aspect of the behavior.
I write about three kinds of reinforcers. The first kind is a positive reinforcer. Ever get a dollar for studying? Ever get a dollar for each night you studied? The dollar is the reinforcer because it reinforces (in this case encourages or increases) the behavior studying). The dollar is a positive reward because it is pleasant. When it follows a behavior, the behavior gets associated with the positive reinforcer and voila! We see more of the behavior. In short, a positive reinforcer increases either the frequency or intensity of the behavior it follows. You want many potential positive reinforcers when selecting teen behaviors to change.
The second kind of reinforcer is punishment. We all know about
punishment. This is an aversive reinforcer. Follow a behavior with
punishment and you get less of the behavior in the future. Ever get grounded because you watched TV instead of studying? Then you got an "F" and got grounded some more? Getting grounded is the punishment and it slowed down the TV watching. Getting grounded is unpleasant and probably took the fun out of not studying and getting a crummy grade. Notice I didn't say that punishment is a negative reinforcer.
The third kind, or a negative reinforcer, actually increases positive
behavior by not having a punishment occur. I'll explain. You think you're going to get punished if you get an "F" in a class. But instead, your parents give you a second chance but warn you that if you actually get an "F," you will get punished later. You breathe a sigh of relief and start studying! You didn't get punished and it increased a positive behavior (studying)! It increased the frequency of studying (more often) and the intensity (studying harder to avoid the "F").
Another term is Contingency. This has to do with the qualities or
aspects of the reinforcers. There are three contingencies of reinforcers
that I use. These are the important ones; the ones that most quickly
produce changes in behavior.
The first contingency is immediacy. It means how soon the reward
occurs after the behavior. It's best to reward a behavior right away.
Don't wait. The sooner the reward follows the behavior the better and the more likely the reward will positively change the behavior (in this case increase the quantity or quality of the behaviors). The longer you wait to present the reward after a (good) behavior, the less strength the reward will have to change the behavior, to motivate the person to repeat the quality or quantity of the good behavior. In real life you might miss a few chances to reward a good behavior, but try your best to do it every time. That's the goal, even though it's not going to happen that way all the time. The same applies to both punishment and to negative reinforcers. Apply them right away!
The second contingency is consistency. This has to do with how often
the reward occurs after the behavior. Try to present the reward every time you see the positive behavior, not every other time or every third time. The more consistent you present the reward following a good behavior, the better. Get as close to "every time" as possible, and that will be good enough. Again, the ideal is to do this every time, but real life gets in the way, so do the best you can. And again, the same applies to punishments and negative reinforcers.
The third contingency is constancy. This just means how big or little, important or unimportant, significant or insignificant the reinforcers are. It's really about the magnitude of the reinforcer. Giving kids a nickel after cleaning up their rooms is a small magnitude (yet positive) reinforcer. Taking them to Disneyland for doing the same thing is a huge reward, hence has a great magnitude. The idea is to present a positive reward following a good behavior that has approximately the same magnitude each time. Try to not vary the magnitude of the reinforcers too much or teens will start expecting the bigger magnitude
rewards and won't change their behaviors for the little ones. Again, constancy applies to punishments and negative reinforcers.

--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

What To Do First When Changing Teenager's Behavior-Part III

This is the third in a three-part series of articles. Please read
the first two and have your list of behaviors handy before reading this
article.
To continue, these are some of the many complaints and categories I
hear about from parents. There are a lot more categories and infinitely
more negative behaviors to be put in the right column. All have a
positive opposite variant that goes in the left column.
Now, what do you do with "the list?" First, we're mostly going to
work with the list on the left side. Rank order the list; that is, think
about which of these positive behaviors you most want or is most important.
Or, you can look at the list on the right side and pick those negative
behaviors that you really want to "go away." Either will tell you which
of the many behaviors in either column are most important. Figure out
which behavior is number one and rank it accordingly (put a "1" next to it...).
Choose another to be number two; that is, which behavior is not quite as
important as the number one behavior, but presumably is still important
enough to be number two. Work your way down the page, creating a ranked or prioritized list, ending with the positive behavior that is still positive, but relatively speaking, least important.
Remember the terms first described in previous articles? Go back and re-read the definition of "Reinforcer." What we're going to do is start "reinforcing" only the positive behaviors, starting with the top three that you prioritized in the left column. When I say reinforce, I mean to provide a positive experience or reward after you see the positive behavior. Right about here some parents say, "I don't see any positive behavior--that's the problem!" I know, I know. But in actuality, there are always some positive behaviors to work with. Parents are usually so frustrated they don't admit it. If you don't see the full-blown behavior, don't worry. Go back and review the meaning of the term "Shaping," also described in a previous article. What you want to do is positively reinforce only the positive behavior, or its' precursor; that is, the very beginnings of the behaviors, to start training your teenager to eventually produce the full-blown behavior. Here's an example. Let's use yelling again. When you see your teen talking quietly, you're going to provide some positive reward. S/he never stops yelling? Not likely, even though it sometimes seems like this is the case. Sooner or later every person, no matter how young or old will
wind down and actually speak in civil tones at a respectable volume. It might take a week, but watch and be patient. When s/he does, you got 'em! (Chance favors the prepared mind...) Your job is to be ready and reinforce the behavior with something positive. From another previous article, re-read the description of "Contingencies." We want to be very aware of your teen's first attempts at good behaviors, then present some kind of reward--right away (immediacy), to do it every time (consistency) and with the same kind of reinforcer each time (constancy). Start with small examples of the positive behavior and keep at it.
Now, what will work as a positive reinforcer? Usually this should be a compliment, or hug, or touch. For very immature twelve year olds, you can also use a sticker or star and place it on a chart. This ebook is not about younger kids; so, if this is your situation, refer to my other ebook, How To Change Children's Behavior (Quickly). For most teenagers, the rewards will have to be different, because they are no longer younger children. The idea is to figure out what is positive for your teenager and deliver that after you see a good behavior. You can do this in a classical conditioning sense; that is, by telling your teen, "If you do this, you will get this," then delivering the reward as promised, right away (immediacy), every time (consistency) and with the same kind of reward (constancy). Your teenager knows what's coming because you set up a positive expectation and then you deliver. Classical conditioning! Pretty soon you promise and your teen changes the behavior without yet getting the reward (in anticipation), just like Pavlov's dog began to salivate in anticipation of the meat powder when Pavlov rang the bell beforehand. I know we're not animals, but the principles work with everyone--you promise, they change behavior, you provide the reward.
Or, you can apply the same principles without forewarning, just after the behaviors have occurred. This is when you look for one or more little behaviors that are in the right direction and then apply the reinforcers as described above under "contingencies" (immediately, consistently and constantly). Again, because it's not foreshadowed and occurs in real life (outside of the Pavlov's laboratory), it's called operant conditioning--same reinforcement principles, different venue, no experimenter in a white coat.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

What To Do First When Changing Teenager's Behavior--Part II

This is part II of a three part series on What To Do First When Changing
Teenager's Behavior. Please read the first article before tackling this
one.


What To Do First When Changing Teen's Behaviors-Part II

Here are some examples to help out.

Positive (+) Behaviors Negative (-) Behaviors


Talks Quietly Yelling

Cleans room Doesn't clean room

Cooperates Doesn't obey (Defiance)

Listens Ignore me or talks back

Acknowledges what I say Disrespectful (might be too
general, So...

break it down)
-Talks with respectful tone
-Talks to communicate
-Talks genuinely

Sits quietly Runs around too much (Hyper)

Tells the truth Lies

Communicates clearly Verbally manipulates (too
general)
-Talks about things
directly
-Articulates what's really
on his or her mind
-Means what is said

Communicates assertively Whines

-Uses a normal or pleasant
tone of voice

Compliments others Critical of others

-Accepts others' viewpoints

Studies Plays too many electronic games

-Reads
-Spends time with family members

Earns good grades Poor grades

Respects property Destroys things

-Treats things nicely
-Repairs broken objects

Uses words to solve conflicts Physical fighting

-Talks in a calm voice
-Uses reasoning vs. acting out

Waits, thinks, then behaves Impulsivity

Stays focused Distractible

Uses civilized language Curses
Initiates things on own Lazy (might be too general)

-Stays organized
-Finishes projects
-Stays focused
-Initiates activity

Manages mood Temper tantrums

-Gives self a time out
-Stays calmer when stressed

Thinks of others first Selfish

Does things quicker Dawdling

Tells the truth Isn't trustworthy

(too general)

-Does what he or she says
will be done

Comes home on time Ignores curfews

These are some of the many complaints and categories I hear about from parents. There are a lot more categories and infinitely more negative behaviors to be put in the right column. All have a positive opposite variant that goes in the left column.
Now, what do you do with "the list?" First, we're mostly going to
work with the list on the left side. Rank order the list; that is, think
about which of these positive behaviors you most want or is most important. Or, you can look at the list on the right side and pick those negative behaviors that you really want to "go away." Either will tell you which of the many behaviors in either column are most important. Figure out which behavior is number one and rank it accordingly (put a "1" next to it...). Choose another to be number two; that is, which behavior is not quite as important as the number one behavior, but presumably is still important enough to be number two. Work your way down the page, creating a ranked or prioritized list, ending with the positive behavior that is still positive, but relatively speaking, least important.
In the next article, I'll explain more about this process..
--Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

What To Do First When Changing Teen's Behaviors-Part I

I've been a child psychologist for twenty-seven years. I also work with younger children, but the principles are the same for changing behaviors. But first, there needs to be a little preparation.
Here's an exercise and a description of thes process that we can
use to change teenager's behaviors. Take a sheet of typing paper and
draw a line down the center, separating it into two vertical columns.
On the top of the right column, write "Negative Behaviors." These are
behaviors you don't like in your teen and want to change. In the right
column, on each line, write down one negative behavior. Take your time
and think about each behavior. Try to be specific. Put only one
behavior on each line. You could have only three, or fifty-three lines,
but each line has only one separate behavior. When you have finished,
we'll work with the left column. Take your time and think only about
the right column--only negative behaviors. Try to pick concrete, real
time examples, like "yells," "leaves a mess," etc. Stay away from bigger,
less clear behaviors like, "isn't trustworthy," "is depressed," etc.
Don't go on until this part is done.
Now, in the left column, put the opposite of each negative behavior
BUT first read this paragraph before you do. Most people put the word
"not" in front of the negative behavior listed in the right column when
they consider what to put in the left column. For example if the
negative behavior in the right column is "yelling," then "not yelling"
seems like the opposite behavior to put in the left column. But wait a
minute! Not yelling is not really a good behavior. It is the absence of
a bad behavior. It could be sleeping, which technically, is not yelling. But from this too-general-a-perspective, sleeping might be considered the opposite of lots of behaviors,
not just yelling. I'm looking for a specific, real time, present and
positive behavior that still is the opposite of the negative behavior in the right column, in this case, "yelling." I want to find a concrete behavior that is positive yet incompatible with yelling. That behavior is something like "talks quietly" or "talks normally." It has to be the opposite of "yelling" but also a real behavior--a positive, present behavior, not the absence of some negative behavior (yelling). This is the behavior to put in the left column.
This point is crucial and should be kept in mind as you go down the
page, converting each of the negative behaviors in the right column into
the opposite (but present and positive) behaviors in the left column.
Convert each behavior like this until you finish the list and have an
entry in both columns. The more specific and concrete the behaviors
are in the right column, the easier it will be to find the positive
opposite behavior to put in the left column. If the concepts are too
big in the right column (like "isn't trustworthy") then break the behavior down into its component parts until it is simpler. Then, it will be easy to pick the opposite positive variant.
Now, go on to the next article...
--Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

The Top Thirteen Teenager Problem Areas-Part II

I've been a child psychologist for 27 years. This is the
second in a series of articles on how to deal with teen's behaviors.
Please read the first article by this same title (Part I) before
reading the below...
Parents have to negotiate most of the aforementioned areas, not just once but regularly. This is the nature of individuation. With teenagers, there is a constant, chronic and inevitable pulling away from authority and routine. Teens like regularity when it comes to meeting needs, but they also love novelty, especially when it destabilizes the predictable, engenders novelty-all breeding grounds for individuation. Parents represent the "state of limitations," and most teens live with at least one of their parents, so naturally, the drive for independence focuses on and "opposes" parents, who are seen as the "forces of evil." Built into separating from the status quo is conflict, at the very least tension. How you and your teenager handle astriction depends upon the skills either
brings to "The Dance" (the concept I discussed in earlier articles on
teenagers).
As is the case with younger children, the single most important
variable parents should consider when negotiating these issues is the
teenager's level of maturity. This means parents must consider things
like capacity to understand consequences; meaning, the ability to anticipate and appreciate the future. Impulsivity, intellectual
availability, susceptibility to social pressure, ego strength, self-esteem and mood fluctuations are other considerations. Most of these fall under the category of judgment, but the latter ones, if out of order, can bleed over into psychological or psychiatric conditions.
Parents have to make a determination, and then communicate their
"findings" in some form to the teenager. This usually takes the form
of verbalizations, but is usually quickly followed by acts. The Dance
continues when the teenager counters with his or her own "contrary"
reasoning, some of which may or may not have merit. The more mature the teen is, the less parents need to dispute, and the less teens need to "present their case." The opposite is also true; that is, the less
mature the teen is, the more reasons the parents have to dispute, and the more the teen's argument fails to "hold water." Paradoxically, the less merit the teen's argument has, the more persistence there seems to be to prove it valid (often accompanied by noise and other distractions to either obfuscate the point of just distract the parent).
A good example is when a teen wants a cell phone. Because this
is probably the most salient teen crisis point, this subject will be the
topic of a separate and longer article. This is the subject of a
separate article in this article source.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

The Top Thirteen Teenager Problem Areas-Part I

I've been a child psychologist for twenty-seven years. Here's
the top thirteen teenager problems areas I see every day.

1) Out of home activities. Teenagers frequently want to "hang out"
with other teens, usually away from the house, or if at home, out of
parent's earshot or eyesight. Who they hang out with and how far away should they be allowed to roam are things teens prefer to decide, not parents.
2) Curfews. Teenagers want to stay out later at night, especially
after school functions, especially with their peers. They also want
to decide when not to come home.
3) Privacy. If a girl is visiting your home (if your teen is a boy),
should there be any "visiting" behind closed doors? Teens want privacy
like everyone else. They usually also want something else, or at least
are thinking about it.
4) Safety. If your teen goes home after school, does s/he go directly
home (no "dilly dallying") and stay there if the parent has to work?
After school, does the front door stay closed and locked and should there
be "friends" arriving before the parent? Should your teenager call you
when s/he arrives at home?
5) Electronics. What are healthy activities? Video games? How many? How much time spent on them? This includes cell phone and
computer time.
6) Comparative Age. At what age should a younger child or teenager
have a cell phone? You'd be surprised at the range of ages I encounter. At what age should a teenager be allowed to take care of a younger child, either a sib or baby sit?
7) Makeup. When can a girl wear makeup?
8) Dating. At what age should dating be allowed?
9) Driving. When should your teenager begin driver's instruction?
Whose car is s/he going to drive? DOES s/he drive?
10) Grades. What is the minimum GPA (grade point average) necessary
to have some of these privileges? What is the minimum GPA, period?
11) Criminal Behaviors. Truancy is a lesser crime, but it does bring
up the issue of how to deal with a teenager who refuses to go to school?
At the "kid" level, other criminal behaviors are: fire setting, fighting
to the point of seriously hurting others (sometimes associated with gang
membership) or destroying property (e.g., "tagging"). Lesser "crimes"
are plagiarizing, or copying other's answers on tests.
12) Drug and alcohol experimentation. As parents, you may not recognize
when this first starts, but it likely will, and you will have to have some
policy and approach.
13) Visitation. In divorce cases, usually there is supposed to be
visitation with the "other" parent. What are the parameters of the visits? What if your teen refuses to go? (Theoretically, this is often regulated by the legal system, but practically, it is anything but...)

--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

Teens, Moods and Psychiatric Conditions

I'm a child psychologist and have been in private practice over
twenty-seven years. This latest brief article outlines some things to
watch for in teens when their behavior becomes a problem. This is one
of a series of many articles recently published online about teenagers
and their behaviors...

To continue...

Another cause of erratic moods is the onset of normal physical
changes. Menarche troubles lots of girls, for a while, until their
bodies and psyches adjust. Some girls/women never get used to their
periods. While this is normal, at first and possibly on a cyclical basis, moods may be compromised. Check with a medical doctor for
things like hormone levels if you suspect this to be behind cyclical and more extreme mood swings.
There are physical (probably genetic) conditions that make moods
worse. Some of these are considered to be mental health disorders, while others are thought to be genetic conditions that have mental sequelae. These include Asperger's Syndrome or Autism in general, Developmental Disorders, psychotic states and sometimes Personality Disorders.
Psychiatric conditions almost always "trash" moods. Major
Depression, Bi-polar Disorder, Mania, Cyclothymia and Dysthymia are terms that describe different characteristics and aspects of mood disorders. Anxiety disorders also make mood management very difficult. While anxiety, per se, is not always considered to be a mood "proper," it is sufficiently mood like, often painful and both indicative of and
influential over underlying moods. At a clinical level, anxiety presents
in many forms, including the following disorders: Panic Disorder, Phobias,
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
These states require the intervention of a licensed mental health
professional. (Sub-clinical manifestations of anxiety are guilt,
procrastination and other forms of ambivalence, such as the inability to
forgive, or even grief.) The idea is to get down to the cause of behavior problems, either using your own resources, or by enlisting the aid of others. (For a more thorough discussion of anxiety, see How To Diagnose and Treat Your Anxiety, which is linked to the author's website, below).
To say that teen's moods vary more than others is probably an
understatement. But to say they are too extreme relative to their internal state is an overstatement, and clinically incorrect. Teenagers react to their environments because they have newly minted perceptual and emotional machinery that are, unfortunately, neither grounded in experience, nor fine-tuned or adjusted to reality. As with most human behavior, emotion-driven behavior runs its course until it hits a wall, then corrects.
Hormones drive dramatic physical expansion in the body, and feelings come along for the ride. During the teen years, bodies and emotions explode, expanding in all directions, until stopped, usually by some form of external limit. Then, especially feelings "re-set;" meaning, adjust to the parameters within which they can safely function without jeopardizing their host. In concrete terms, your teenager will cause you great emotional grief until one or more of three things happen. One, you understand them and they come to feel you are an ally, hence less of an "object" to resist. Two, they get used to themselves and more spontaneously "adjust." Three, you set limits and boundaries. In all cases, they have to "test drive" their emerging adolescent psyches before they settle down. Be patient.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

Teens, Driving and Dating

Teens, Driving and Dating
I've been an outpatient child psychologist for over twenty-seven years, and have recently completed a ebook, How To Change Teenager's Behavior. Below is an excerpt, summarizing some thoughts on teen driving, followed by dating (next article).

To continue...

Your task as the parent is to shape your teenager; training them,
little by little, coaxing them into developing the characteristics of
responsible drivers. What does that mean? List them: responsibility,
good judgment, unselfishness, controlled impulsivity, farsightedness and respect. Take them one at a time, and shape them by rewarding behaviors that are close, at first. Use modeling, cueing, etc. Do this until you see enough of these traits emerging and stabilizing to warrant trusting your teen on the road. Its a huge judgment call on your part as the parent, but you know your teenager better than anyone else, and can instinctively make this decision based upon your daily interactions.
"The Dance" (see previous articles on teenagers by this author) is about your teen showing you what they are made of, how mature they are, how in control of their impulses they are, how respectful they are in all areas of home, school and social life. These are the yardsticks parents use to assess the likelihood of their teen's driving well. Why is this important?
Remember, when they drive off for the first time, probably in your car, without you in the passenger seat, you will no longer control what happens. They, in all their immaturity, now "present" all their characters to the world of fellow drivers. They will transfer through the car onto the real world whatever level of judgment and self-control they have. The bad news is that they will also act out immaturity on the road, just as they did by not cleaning their rooms. Those same attitudes don't exist solely in one domain.
The good news is that most of us make it through this rite of passage. It is the enormity or scope of the consequences that gives we parents pause, but it is this same salience that motivates teens to "step up to the plate," to prove to themselves and to us that they are ready. Thus the reward is in the accomplishment to the teen, and to the relinquishment of withholding to we parents.
Another example is dating. Before dealing with the onset of dating
behaviors, let me digress and define dating. It used to be that dating meant going out with at least one other person, who we would treat as special, at least for the night. It also implied having possibly but not necessarily having more than just casual feelings for that person, or at least having sufficient interest in that person to give them individual attention around some unique event--dinner with only them, a movie with only them, etc. Double dating was just an expansion of these ideas, applied to another couple occupying the same space, participating in the same activities. Serious dating implied being more exclusive, later monogamous; meaning, being with only one person in a dating capacity, excluding others. Dating implied greater intimacy, which opened the door to the possibility of sex. (Drugs and rock and roll activities could happen anywhere along the way.)
"Nowadays" dating is much more loosely defined. I recently talked with an eleven-year-old girl in my office, who had been "dating" for two years. That begged the question, so I asked what she meant by dating. She said, "You know, meeting at recess behind the bungalows." Then I asked, "What do you do behind the bungalows?" She said, "Well, you know, talk and stuff." I persisted. "Stuff?" "Well, we give each other stuff, like something we found, or we hold hands or just hang out." This seems innocent enough, but later I found out this "dating" also involved some pretty intimate touching and some exchange of drugs (marijuana, in this case). Adult behaviors start somewhere at some time. It appears to be the case that "dating" and all its machinations starts earlier and earlier. It used to be that dating used to involve travel, usually by car. Now, travel means walking a few hundred feet at school.
At what age should teens be allowed to fraternize with others in this way? The adumbrations of this class of behavior are starting to wear makeup (usually but not always girls) and shaving (both genders) and body-building (usually but not always boys). These are all normal, but the ages at which they occur vary. In my outpatient private practice as a child psychologist, I have seen the portents of dating start as early as eight in girls and nine in boys, or as late as sixteen or later in either gender. It depends upon more variables than the scope of this article allows. Regardless, when (usually not if) this happens, "The Dance" accelerates. (See other articles by this author for an explanation of The Dance.) Teens start to push the talk-on-the-cell-phone time limits and later the curfew limits. And, not coincidentally, when they are violating the here-to-fore established "standards," they often "just happen" to be interacting with another teen in "dating" mode.
Dating, by itself is not terminal; that is, teens will not self-destruct the minute they discover more intimate attachments to another. But the onset of dating does cause parents alarm, because it brings up the specter of sex and other dreaded behaviors, e.g., alcohol use. The emergence of dating causes parents to think about "the sex talk," which by the way, has usually already been addressed, at least from the teen's point of view, by their sex-ed class.
--Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

The Four-To-One Rule For Teenagers-Part II

This is the second part of an article about applying the 4:1 Rule to teenager's behavior. Please read the previous article first... Written by a psychologist.

To continue...

The critical ratio is 4:1. It's a subtle point, but one that took me a long time figure out. In this specific way, we are choosing which positive things to include in the "four" part. That's the shaping and changing of behaviors part. You are focusing on specific behaviors four times as often as anything else. Your child is getting lots of attention when s/he does certain things or at the very least is getting that attention because s/he did those things. You're just bringing it up. This changes behavior simply because you are bringing it up. Your teenager will start doing those things much more often. Why? Because it feels good. S/he gets lots of attention for doing those things. Why? Because your behavior changed. You are using the 4:1 technique.
And, here's the magic. When your teen behaves more positively (showing the behaviors on the left side of the list) s/he isn't showing the behaviors on the right list because they are incompatible, meaning the opposite of the good ones. The bad behaviors start to disappear! They are becoming extinct. The bad behaviors are replaced by the good (reinforced) behaviors, without punishment. Your teen "spontaneously" behaves better, showing the behaviors on the left side of the list.
You might wonder why it's 4:1, not 3:1 or some other ratio. Well, I've tried 3:1. That's when you make three positive statements to every "other" one. It works, but not as well. There's some positive rewards, attention, etc. It's just not enough because human beings need more. In my opinion we need more regular nurturing, especially by others in our clan. It's our genetic heritage and four positives to every one "other" seems to be the default ratio. I've tried 2:1. It barely works, sometimes not at all. I've tried 1:1. It doesn't work. I've gone overboard in the other direction and tried 5:1 or ever 6:1. That's when you deliver five or six "positives" for any one "other" communication. Both of these ratios produce changes in behavior but it starts to sound "syrupy" or disingenuous. That's a turn off; hence, a punishment in the making. That's bad.
You might wonder about a 1:4 ratio; that is, only one good comment (reward) for four "other" statements (neutral or even punishments). This system is found in the military and is fear based. In this behavioral format, you rarely get a reward because good (conforming) behavior is expected. In the military, it is not thought to be necessary to recognize a positive behavior every time (or four times in relation to "other" behaviors in my system). However, just mess up and the Drill Sergeant is on you like wet on water--in your face and not happy, at least by stereotype. He or she probably confronts you four times as often as he or she compliments you. This system works to get conformity when the consequences of not behaving well are severe (like when you get put in the brig, or worse, are at war) and when fear is followed by very strong, negative (punishing) reinforcers such as injury or even death. This system has its place, but not in raising children who are forming their very core beliefs. It doesn't work with young people who have evolving and as yet fragile self-esteems. It does not work with spouses or partners who are in "normal" relationships. If the 1:4 rule is applied to families, disaster results. This technique damages children. In general, using the 1:4 rule creates mad people who feel bad about themselves and act out a lot. This is one way I get long-term clients.

-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

The Four-To-One Rule For Teenagers-Part I

I've been a kid psychologist for 27 years and write a lot of articles and ebooks on various psychological subjects. Here's one on a principle that everyone should know, not just parents.

It took me about a year to figure this out. When I first started working with families, I noticed that some families just "clicked." They worked better with each other, whereas other families only partially succeeded, or even failed. I didn't know why. It didn't seem to matter if they were positive--all of them tried speaking and acting positively because we are all know we should "think positively." When comparing the successful to the less-than-successful families, it didn't matter what was their socio-economic status. Race, education, religion and other factors
made no difference. What turned out to be the deciding factor wasn't
whether there was positive communication among family members because I saw that all the families did that.
It was the ratio of positive-to-negative messages that was different in the successful families. It turns out that we, as warm-blooded, nurturing-needing, social mammals just need a greater amount of positive feedback to feel good about ourselves, plus respond to changes in our environment, hence, survive. Positive feedback makes us feel good via experiencing positive reinforcers. ("Other" feedback is anything else--negative, or just neutral. These have "other" effects, as you might guess.)
The 4:1 rule is about the ratio of rewards or positive things we say
or do to our teenagers compared to the number of negative or other things we say or do. In all interactions, there should be four positive messages for every "other" (usually but not always negative) message.
A more general way to think about this is that there should be four
positive messages embedded in our conversations with anyone, anytime,
relative to any other statements. The 4:1 rule should be common to all these aspects of communication, because we seem to need that much to nurture our good behaviors. It's the way we are wired. This is where the rubber meets the road.
Create a worksheet of target behaviors, with positive behaviors on the left, and their opposite negative behaviors on the right. (Details of this procedure can be found in my ebook on How To Change Teenager's Behavior, which can be found as a link off of my website, below.) The idea is to pick the most important positive behaviors in the left column and work them into your conversation with your teen as you interact. You do this spontaneously but genuinely.
(Don't make up stuff because being fake will act as a turn off--subtle
punishment for interacting with you. Punishments are negative experiences
and will reduce the behaviors you want to increase.) Work into the
conversation four positive comments about real or past positive behaviors
for every one "other" comment you might make.
In general, it helps to do this when talking to anyone, anytime, regardless of whether you are trying to get them to change a behavior (or two or three), but for now, make sure to work these comments into the conversation referencing specific good behaviors you have witnessed in your teenager. You are putting a positive message into your teen's brain about his or her positive behaviors, or beginning positive behaviors, four times as often as you are mentioning anything else. Or, put more generically, you are speaking of his or her positive attributes in four out of five comments you make, no matter what, where, when or how you speak. You are reinforcing what you already like, thus strengthening the good behavior, or you are shaping what you see coming, thus encouraging the incipient positive behavior to become more robust.
The "four part" of the 4:1 rule is about building into the conversation natural aspects that are positive that you choose, thus influencing the extinction of old behaviors in your teenager by reinforcing the opposite, positive aspects of some "bad" behavior, or by encouraging or strengthening not-quite-fully-developed new behaviors (shaping, modeling, cueing).

-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

The Dance-Part II

I've been a child psychologist for 27 years. This article is a continuation of the concept of "The Dance," which I developed to help parents understand their role in guiding their progeny. Please read the first article before perusing this one...
The Dance happens when you as the parent resist, then back up as the child proves his or her case. As you back up, your child advances. In this case, your child pursued and then demonstrated some constellation of traits that convinced you s/he was "ready," at which point you acceded. At other times, you would have said "No" to the pressure of some request, because your child was not ready. At that time, the child backed up and you remained fixed in your position. At other times, the child might have regressed; that is, reverted to less mature behaviors because of the influence of friends, misguided information, a momentary failure of maturity or irresistible temptation. At this moment, your child "backed up" so you retrenched, which means you temporarily treated him as if he or she was much younger ("retrogressive parental re-posturing"). Why? Because at that moment, considering the issue at hand, your child was NOT ready, and you, as the wise parent, knew it. You held the line.
One example I often see is when a teen comes home with a pierced lip, green hair, black clothing and is accompanied by three friends who look the same. Your parental reaction is predictable and your teenager knows what it's going to be. This is a test. But my experiences as a child psychologist suggests this is another normal stage teens create. And, it turns out the outward trappings of "degenerateness" are not predictive of much of anything in the future. Teenagers experiment with everything-dress, makeup, jewelry, behavior; you name it. They are still the same beings underneath the trappings and have the same values you inculcated in them from day one. Be patient and tolerant UNLESS there is "just cause." Just cause is when your teen comes home drunk with straight F's on the report card, still sporting the counterculture couture. THEN have the talk, but be careful to talk about the alcohol and grades, not necessarily the other stuff.
At each developmental step, The Dance changes because your child-come-teenager has different needs and the issues at hand become altered, expanded, extinguished, etc. Your task, now that the teenage years have arrived, is to be aware of your teen's needs and deal with whatever the issue is at the moment, assessing your teenager's competence, skill levels, needs, appropriateness of wants, etc. Your task is not to hold your teenager back from progress (you couldn't do this even if you tried); rather, your parental mandate is to give your offspring the tools to succeed.
Because you have been around the block more times than your offspring, you get to make the call about when and where to hold the line, or give in to the upward evolutionary pressure your child constantly applies. This is normal, but at any given time, when and where to draw the line may not be clear. It was easier to assess when your child was younger because his or her needs were more simple and concrete. However, with maturity comes complexity, adaptability, greater range of feelings and depth of thought.
So, The Dance becomes more poignant with teens. Teenagers seem to have greater intensity of needs or at least they are sometimes more vocal and persistent in their expostulations. And while their "issues" are every bit as important to them as the sleepover is to the seven year old, they also experience their "issues" as having greater scope, proportional to teenager's expanding vistas. What are different are the larger physical bodies these needs are housed in, and the greater intelligence (some parents say "cuning") wielded to meet those needs. The good news is that your teenager has grown into a more mature being. The bad news is that s/he has more resistance for you to circumnavigate. Negotiating with older teenagers is more intense because no longer can you send them to their room when you disagree. No longer can you give them a simple time out. At best, you can take away some of their toys if they are on the low end of the teenage spectrum, but as they age, even this works less and less. Increasingly, you have to deal with them as "almost" adults, which means you are nearing the end of The Dance.
As teens near adulthood, increasingly they demand you treat them as competent beings, granting them increased privileges such as having later curfews, the opportunity to take summer jobs and manage their own money. Your job is to acknowledge this, even encourage it by reinforcing the behaviors that are most desirable, as discussed above. Increasingly, this is done with less and less punitive feedback and more and more with collaborative approval. You are shaping the final chapter of your teenager's childhood. At this stage, the relationships become a cooperative, not a dictatorship.

-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

The Dance-Part I

I've been a child psychologist for 27 years, and have developed
a system of changing both kid's and teenager's behavior. I've written lots of articles about children, many of which, hopefully, are on this website. The following article deals with a particularly poignant movement through time between parents and children. I call this "The Dance."
This is my term for the ever-changing interactions parents have
with their children, starting from age zero. When your child was born,
s/he could do nothing and you had to do and supply everything. At eighteen, your now-grown child can do most things by himself or herself, and you don't have to do too much. If you are the typical parent of a newly-minted adult (at least biologically), you supply more or less the basics of food, shelter and other resources (cars, money, time, etc.), while your now "older" teenager makes more executive decisions. What happened in between these extremes? How did things change?
The Dance is my term for the back and forth exchanges both you and your child go through at the exact moment of conflict over any given issue. Remember when your child was seven and wanted to attend his or her first sleepover? You thought s/he was too young and would be scared, have nightmares, call you at three in the morning to come get him or her, leave the friend's house and get lost, etc. Your child told you s/he was ready, had no fear and would feel left out of "the group" of kids that would be there this coming weekend if s/he couldn't go. Remember that dialogue? You, as the parent, were protective, resistant and cautious. Your child was brazen, headstrong, determined. Who was right? BOTH of you.
BOTH you and the child were acting normally. You resisted and the child persisted. At some point your child was ready and you backed off, but when? Your position was quite correct from an evolutionary point of view because prematurely sending children out into the real reduces the population of children. We parents know the horrors of the world "out there" and what happens when too young children are exposed to real-world dangers too soon. However, your child's position was also correct because without testing the waters, s/he would not have developed the skills necessary to deal with that real world.
The Dance is about going back and forth between parents and children. At any given moment, there is some amount of tension--a tug-of-war between the generations--resulting in micro-movements forwards and backwards by both or either. The overall trend is forward, through time, from age zero to eighteen and beyond. Like any dance, there is give and take, and there will be missteps, resulting in sometimes-forward movement, sometimes backwards movement, sometimes no movement. Ultimately, parents back up and back off as children grow and ever more assume greater responsibilities. Hopefully, this is in direct proportion to their developing skills.

-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

Teenagers, Limit Setting, Emotions and Moods

Over-reaction to limit setting can occur in the context of any event that produces any emotion. Your teen will likely be sadder than usual when there is a frustration with a relationship. S/he will be more hurt than usual when there is personal injury involved, again, usually relative to peer interaction. Pick a feeling and pick a situation and put on your seat belt. The issue may be curfew, whether or not to have a cell phone, or attending a party with older teenagers. Your task as a parent is to set appropriate limits--do your research and
figure out what is "appropriate"--despite the turbulence to follow.
Why? Because teenagers actually need those limits. It's paradoxical. They feel safer and know that you really love them when you say "No" to something they are not ready for. Paradoxically, their anxiety actually goes down because they know in what areas and in what territory they are safe; also when to protest, but more importantly, when not to. On the surface, teens will like you less, but at deeper levels, they will respect you more, and later be able to return your love with conviction and certainty. Unless there is some underlying pathology, each phase will pass as skirmishes resolve.
How do emotions and moods manifest? Usually with noise. What are the kinds of behaviors to expect? Many teens will, on purpose, yell or otherwise act out their feelings by stomping off, grimacing, slamming doors or locking themselves in their rooms (until hungry). These are the normal variants of teenager moods. Back talking, making funny hand gestures are borderline "OK" behaviors, depending largely on the parent's temperaments. Breaking things, hurting self or others, withdrawing for extended periods of time, running away, leaving without permission, not
coming home at night, indulging in sex, drugs or alcohol are "Not OK." Remember The Dance? (See previous articles by this author.) When the latter maladaptive behaviors show up, we no longer have a waltz-we have a boogie woogie.
As with younger children, your challenge is to pick the behaviors to change. What behaviors should be on the "radar screen?" How many do you work on and which ones should come first? One hint, if you pick the wrong behavior or group of behaviors, you will get change but the change will not "stick." The old behaviors will come back sooner than you want. This tells you that something else might be the problem or that your focus is too superficial. Change your focus and apply the techniques to a different set of problems or level of behavior, e.g., need or mood, and see if that produces more positive results. For example,
with teenagers, you first have to get them to really listen to you. Then, you talk about issues. Maybe they don't clean their rooms. They could suffer from lack of motivation, especially for school projects. Not giving you respect can be troublesome. Acting bigger than their britches is a complaint I used to hear a lot; now we just call it defiance, oppositional or other names. But if addressing any of these problems "takes" for only a short while, consider looking deeper.
Most of the examples mentioned above could be symptoms of normal mood variations. In that case, parents ought to consider talking frankly about teenager moods-yes, with the teenager. Parents who verbalize their observations with their teens, in this case feeding back something about their own experiences with mood or observations about their teen's mood, help teens to more quickly come to terms with themselves. Teenagers don't always like hearing negative things about themselves, but then, who does? And, remember, your teenager is not a young child anymore, so consider the level of your approach. It has to be exactly at the teen's level of maturity and understanding--no more, no less. "Coming in" at just the right depth is crucial and presages greater success. And, when
communicating, consider your attitude. Presenting "information" to your teen as if your version is the truth and his or hers is not is asking for rebellion, even if you are right. The trick is to ascertain the real issues, and approach them at just the right level and tone. It might also help to teach your teenager a vocabulary of his or her feelings. In the literature, there are eight major feelings that we humans have. I think there is a ninth, so in my office, there are nine major feelings. Have your teen look up the nine and find as many synonyms as possible for each. Then, both you and your teenager start using these feeling words or their synonyms in assertiveness sentences. (BTW, I have compiled these ninefeeling words in the back of my ebook, "The Five Steps of Assertiveness." I also had fifth graders look up these and their synonyms, and the synonyms of the synonyms on thesaurus.com. I now have nearly eight hundred synonyms for the nine major human feeling words, all available for assertive use by both teen and parent, alike.

-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

Teenagers, Emotions and Moods

Wikipedia has the common definition:

"A mood is a relatively long lasting emotional state.
Moods differ from simple emotions in that they are less
specific, less intense, and less likely to be triggered by
a particular stimulus or event."

Being more global, moods can mask feelings, which are sometimes more intense and often more fleeting. Feelings tend to come and go with greater rapidity and more visibility.
Either feelings or moods can be a problem for teens. My use of the term mood can be understood to reflect feelings that are both short and long term, embedded in or that occur separately from specific moods. I define these terms this way because with teenagers, feelings quickly become emotions, which precipitate out moods-but all this can occur more rapidly than in non-teen groups, hence they sometimes all start to look alike.
Parents have to deal with their teenager's moods, because we all know teenagers have exaggerated moods. This is a nice way to say sometimes teenager's moods are more intense than in "normal" people. The word "drama" comes to mind.
For all of us, at times, moods trample reasoning and compromise
behavior. When is a teen's mood out of the ordinary? The answer depends upon the parent's judgment, just as much as the teenager's experience. Normally, a little fluctuation of mood happens to all of us. In teens, the range of ups and down is slightly extended; that is, they sometimes are a little more "up" and sometimes they are a little more "down." But ups and downs, even if a little expanded in range, do not normally undermine function. Usually, this is your teenager's way of getting your attention, expressing feeling misunderstood, expressing
misunderstood feelings, etc. While slightly unstable moods make dealing with teens more challenging, eventually the moods subside, and "normal" functioning prevails. If this is the case, your teenager's moods are fine.
When teenager's moods deteriorate and stay that way, its time for intervention. Mood destabilization is a sign of pathology, which can be caused by many things. Teens experiment a lot at this age, that being another hallmark of individuation. If in their poor judgment state teens choose to use drugs, lots of very bad things might happen, the first of which are "flame outs." You will more than notice big changes in teen behavior, characterized by emotional volatility. But also beware of sudden withdrawal and excessive quiet. These signs are equally suspect.
The scope of this article is too narrow to warrant a discussion of teen drug use. But parents should not overlook this possibility and they should address it at its first occurrence. The same is true when
considering alcohol use, which is rampant among teens. I consider alcohol to be a "liquid" drug, but a drug nonetheless. Teenagers will put up quite an argument to justify their substance ab/use, debating the merits of smoking pot vs. drinking wine with dinner. Be prepared.

-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

Teenagers and Needs

Teenagers and Needs
I've been a child psychologist for over two and a half decades. I've written hundreds of articles, this one on Teenagers and Needs. The overall theme is How To Change Teenager's Behavior, which is covered in depth in an ebook by the same title, linked to the author's website, below. In the present article, the concept of Need is
isolated and reviewed in the context of maneuvering around sometimes
difficult-to-understand teenager's behaviors, specifically changing
those behaviors...
When thinking about your teen's needs, you, as the acting parent,
actually have to be a bit of a psychologist. Accurately assessing and
addressing children's needs often changes negative behaviors more quickly than just reinforcing the opposite positive behaviors ("left column" behaviors, as described in previous articles by this author.). This is truer of teenagers than of younger children, the exception being if your kids (of any age) have a mood disorder, proper (see next series of articles).
I want the principles to be very clear. Like two year olds, teens have a strong need to individuate; that is, separate from their parents and be their own person. These needs are built into all human psyches in one form or another, and as developmental theorists state, they manifest themselves over and over at each developmental stage. So, the teen is actually expressing the same needs as the two year old, only through different more developed and complicated behaviors.
With teens, there is the added press from hormones, but the needs are the same. You deal with your teenager by giving him or her the outlet for his or her needs by reinforcing behaviors that highlight his or her many fine qualities, just like with two year olds.
Here are some categories of teen needs, disguised as wants. Not
coincidentally, these are the usual problem areas that cause teenagers
and parents to bump heads; in my terms "engage" in "The Dance." Also not
coincidentally, these behaviors can be used as rewards. These behaviors
are really only the grist for teenager's developmental mill, so to speak,
channeling their biological pressure and maturational imperative through
more superficial issues. But we parents have to deal with "something" to
get to the deep stuff, so in the next article in this series are twelve
commonly experienced teen "issues."

-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

Sex and Teenagers

Sex is THE big subject parents avoid. The interesting thing is that
by the time teenagers begin dating, they already know way more about sex than parents imagined. Why? One reason is that elementary school children now attend sex-ed classes at earlier and earlier ages. Sometimes this occurs in the sixth or even the fifth grade. (Twenty years ago, sex-ed classes were not offered until eighth grade, but the social consequences of delaying have proved too big to ignore.) Another reason is that the Internet offers so many more sources of information than ever before. It is virtually impossible to withhold information from anyone who is Internet savvy. This is true for younger and younger people, despite parent's wishes to the contrary. Another reason--and this one is not new--kids talk. While they may have erroneous information, they communicate.
They communicate via networks that only a few years ago did not exist
(Twitter, Facebook, IM, Utube, Texting, etc.). These phenomena have
exploded, with mixed results. But one good thing is that teens are
instantly and constantly bombarded with information. Guess what subject
is most often entered into search engines. Sex.
Sex is going to happen. It is not a question of if, but when. You crossed this threshold, and so will your teenager. Relax and take a deep breath. You survived and so will they.
The way to deal with sex is the same as with driving, or makeup, or cell phones (see previous articles by this authors on these subjects), only your teen will likely not tell you when "the event" happened. It's too intimate and is too big of a transition event. In my experience
as a marriage and family counselor, I have heard of only one teenager who
voluntarily shared her first sexual experience with her mother. This was very rare. Usually, parents get wind of something happening because teens are careless and leave evidence behind. You can guess what kinds of things you will find.
Your task is to educate and train your teen. A sex-ed class is
generally a good place to start, but the real training and education should be in the home, conducted by the parents. If you don't do this, your teen will find out information about sex anyway, but it may not be the kind of information you want them to have, or worse, it may be wrong, which could be deadly, i.e., misinformation safe-sex behaviors, STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and pregnancy. Once informed, your teen will venture "out there," like with driving, and your influence will
diminish proportionately.
So, when do you have the talk? The answer is when your child is ready. This could be signaled by them asking sex questions. It could be signaled by puberty, the onset of which you will notice before they do.
You can always bring it up in a casual way, and then judge by their reactions whether or not they are ready. Usually, teens won't bring this up by themselves because it's too personal, too big and too embarrassing.
This is all normal. Be patient, but be watchful. The time will come and when it does, be real, relaxed and informative. Treat sex like any other topic. Your child will take his or her cue from you, hopefully dealing with the subject with the same demeanor modeled, shaped and cued by you.
If your child is a pre-teen when those questions are asked, provide answers at pre-teen depth, or more specifically answer only what is asked at the level asked. Some kids are precocious, so with bright teens or even pre-teens, be prepared. Don't be afraid to provide what is asked. My rule as a psychologist is that when a question is asked, the asker is ready to receive the answer. I'm much more wary of when it is appropriate to ask questions but instead there is silence.

-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

How To Think About Teenagers

I'm a child psychologist. This includes training about teenagers. Teens, by definition, are still children from the ages of thirteen to the day before they turn eighteen. Nineteen year olds, though technically adults, are still teenagers. On the low end of the teen spectrum, very mature twelve year olds will act like immature thirteen or even fourteen year olds. For this purpose, I treat mature twelve year olds like immature teens, even though the chronology doesn't exactly line up. The same is true in reverse for nineteen year olds. If they are immature, they will respond to the ideas that are aimed more at 13 to 18 year olds.
Teens are different "animals." They are transitional beings; neither really young, nor particularly mature. They are neither fish nor fowl. They sometimes look like adults, even though their nervous systems are not mature. They sometimes look like younger children, even if their
nervous systems are comparatively more mature. Their behavior changes from one to the other. For example, one minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with him or her while s/he falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, s/he starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. Some parents think of teenagers as just larger children, while other parents think teenagers are smaller adults. Technically,
they are still children, even though it's sometimes hard to tell whether they are acting like children or adults. They are both and they are neither.
Teens are beset by pesky hormones, which start earlier than you think. This hormonal shift actually begins between the ages of 8 1/2 and 9 1/2 years, depending upon whether your teen is a girl or boy, respectively. Hormones spark huge emotional and physical changes. Teens often look lanky, having just experienced one or more growth spurts, which usually means they are not well coordinated because, literally, their brains have not gotten used to their new physical dimensions. This and numerous glandular changes cause tremendous behavioral changes and concomitant self-consciousness.
At thirteen, parents become "aliens;" that is, thirteen year olds
typically withdraw from parents and overly bond with and seek refuge and
support from peers. Again, mature twelve year olds do this earlier and
immature fourteen year olds do it later, but this stage is one most teens
traverse in this age range. All of this is normal.
Over my many years of working with individuals and families, I have
developed techniques that profoundly influence behavior. Despite being in
that awkward stage, teens, just like little younger children and adults,
respond to these and other often simple, but well-understood treatments.
When I say simple, I do not mean that everyone knows these things--they don't. And, when I say profoundly, I mean they are powerful and work quickly--instantly in some cases. I developed one technique only after observing successful families for a whole year. Other ones I swiped from
minds greater than my own; for example, from B.F. Skinner (the "rat" psychologist) I use some behavioral techniques. Skinner never applied his findings and techniques to what I address in the articles to come. I put these and lots of other experiences I have had with kids over twenty-six years to form a system--a way to think about behavior and many ways to positively change it.
The best part is that my system is positive. The emphasis is not on
punishment even though there is a place for that, if needed. It's all based upon parenting techniques that are sort of good, then tweaked with hard research evidence of what really works and then applied warmly, with love--that makes them really good. I've been developing and using these ideas for years with very, very good results. Mothers leave my office shaking their heads after I've turned around "monster" children in a matter of minutes. Parents report a sharp increase in the quality of their relationships with their children. If you have younger children, these techniques are described in my ebook, How to Change Children's Behavior (Quickly), and are repeated in part, but modified (for teens) in this ebook. For the present publication, I use different examples because I'm talking about older children, for the most part. Younger children often will "change" in a matter of hours, even
minutes. Teenagers typically take longer, owing in part to their newfound independence, which predisposes them to resist older folks. The techniques still work, so be persistent and patient.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html

Teenagers and Grades

Teenagers and Grades
I've been a child psychologist for 27 years. I've written hundreds of
articles on changing children's behavior and this one focuses on the role
of school grades, which in turn reflect parental expectations, usually
in the guise of household rules. The "Parent Rules" are the basic conditions that "need" to be met for something else to happen. In a previous article, I wrote about the cell phone, and ended with a discussion of whether or not to give one to your teenager, with respect to whether or not your teen met certain academic expectations. This is a common experience.
Parents fixate on grades, this "condition" more than any other.
What is the minimum GPA (grade point average) a teen must have to earn
a _______________ (cell phone, car, money, night out with boy/girlfriend--fill in the blank). Most parents like the GPA to be a 3.0 or higher; meaning, on a four-point scale, a "B" average or better is the required minimum (with no "D's" or "F's"). Teenagers are crafty and occasionally flunk one class, yet still end up with a 3.0 GPA. Of course they have to have mostly "A's" in the rest of their classes to do this. In some parents' minds, a GPA of 3.0 magically opens the door to cell phones, even if the rooms are still messy and their teen violates curfews. What happens if the GPA is high but the teen's other behaviors are rotten?
In many houses, the cell phone actually rewards recklessness or rude
behaviors in other areas. Why? Because teens frequently think once they have the cell phone, they do not need to do much else. Parents often unwittingly reinforce this through inattention, or hyper-attention only to select behaviors-again, grades. So, "if the grades are great," the cell phone is allowed.
However, most parents like their teenagers to conform to other
expectations; to at least speak to them in a civil manner, to clean their
rooms at least once a week and to observe curfew, especially on a "school
night." This is about preference and judgment. As the parent, you have
to decide what you can live with, and what behaviors, specifically or
overall, that when allowed (meaning, tolerated if the behaviors are bad)
or reinforced (if the behaviors are good), will likely produce the best
human being. You might want to make your own list of what is OK and not
OK and craft some sort of household Magna Carta-a policy statement of basic rights, but also of privileges and by way of implication, expectations you, the parents minimally expect..
As with all children, there will be transgressions. The next short
article covers curfew.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page18.html