A Little More On Assertiveness in Relationships
It is usually knownthat assertiveness is a useful facility to have.
What is assertiveness? I define it in three stages, beginning,
intermediate and advanced. Beginning assertiveness is just
sharing with another how we think and feel. Think of it as
playing a hand of cards and we offer up our cards on the table,
face up for our opponent to see. The opponent now get what we have in our
hand.
We haven't demanded to see our opponent's cards. We are just
displaying what we have.
Intermediate assertiveness is asking for something we want.
metaphorically speaking), it is only natural to request something
based upon sharing this information. For example,we need to go somewhere.
Once having shared this, it is only natural to ask for a ride..
Advanced assertiveness is for professionals, and is not
what most of us want to deal with. An example is
when the police negotiate with criminals in banks who hold hostages
for money. An example is when a psychologist talks with a patient
on the phone when they are poised at the top of a building,
considering whether or not to end his or her life. Less extreme examples
are
very complicated business deals that involve millions of dollars.
These are tough problemsbetter left to competent, well-trained specialists.
But in personal relationships, we also need assertiveness,
just not such a rugged version. The reason assertiveness is so
difficult with personal connections is that we have to continue,
often live with the person after we communicate.
Assertiveness is about being frank, and when we are in
relationships, honesty sometimes comes back to bite us. Unfortunately, we
are
increasingly ourselves as our relationships mature. That is, the
novelty wears off over time and we are less prone to be on our best
behavior. The real "us" arises. We then develop a history with
our partners, and
the daily interaction does not always produce
good memories. These thoughts, memories and feelings stockpile
unless verbalized, which is when assertiveness becomes significant.
So, when we communicate something decent with our partners,
there are costs. I champion a formula for general
communication called the four-to-one rule, which, simply stated,
means for every one negative thing communicated, there better be
four positive ones, overall. This helps reducethe impact of the one
communicated thing that may or may not be so positive. Being in
a relationships with more and more honesty requires we communicate more
and more of what is real, hence the need to frame our ideas in more
positive language and examples.
When I communicate assertively with my partner, s/he has to
know I do not propose harm; rather, I am trying to clear the air,
or balance some anxiety. It could be in the form of modestly sharing
feelings or, if a little further along, asking for something that
I think if important. My intent is to make a modification in the
quality of our interaction without creating a negative experience
that I have to later re-do, or worse, chronically live with.
Does this mean we only communicate positive things and avoid
conflict? No. One, this is ridiculous. Two, this is not healthy.
Conflict is inevitable; so do not even think of trying to avoid it.
The only course is to deal with conflict and express it honestly,
genuinely and directly. (These are the most obvious skills
underlying assertiveness.) In relationships, the opportunity to
relate to our partners in this manner occurs more often, even more
still as the relationship goes through its stages (four in my way
of thinking) and even more still when we live together. In the
latter case, avoiding each other takes a deliberate act because of
daily proximity.
For more information about learning to become assertive and why
relationships fail, visit my website and review my two ebooks on this
subject.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page3.html
Friday, March 19, 2010
Worth and Long-Term Relationships-Part II
Worth and Long-Term Relationships-Part II
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for almost twenty-five years. By far, the single
most central element, the one thing that pervades almost every
other issue is self-esteem. It touches everything-sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. There are four primary elements of self-esteem.
I call them "Powers" because when we develop any one of them,
we become more personally powerful. The Four Powers of Self-Esteem
are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength and Self-Acceptance. This
article is Part II, so please read Part I before reading this one. It deals with the first Power of self-esteem and its expression in Negative Loops, which is a cyclical expression of basic behavior patterns learned from one's family-of-origin (explained in Part I).
Here is an example of a Negative Loop that expresses deeply learned behavioral tendencies between two people in a long-term relationship. The following is quoted from this author's ebook on Why Relationships Fail.
Assertiveness vs. Avoidant Styles.
"He's assertive, she's not. He speaks up and wants
their communication to be direct. She avoids clear
communication and is not assertive. She may ask for
something for the kids, really wanting something for
herself. He busts her, telling her it would be a lot
better if she just stated what she wanted, leaving the
kids out of it. In response, she feels criticized and
further shrinks. She may withdraw, play solitaire or
just leave the house to go for a workout at the gym.
He enjoys the separation until his frustration surfaces
at not having help with chores, or just having a
compatible mate. He becomes even more determined and
"comes down" on her with more force--greater insistence
that she "speak up." This drives her more deeply into
her hole. Her compensations are even less direct,
"driving him up the wall."
The early patterns go something like this: He is articulate and
a hard worker. He may be impatient, but sooner or later needs to
speak up. He does not handle stresses well and might be compromised
by physical ailments, disturbed father-son relationships, poor results communicating with older female siblings, etc. He may be very dynamic.
He may be used to getting what he wants more or less immediately.
He could have trouble dealing with impulses and want immediate
gratification. He may have a higher sex drive. Many of these values
evolved from his family-of-origin experiences. They now are default experiences that seep into his daily interactions without him having
much awareness of them. Were these adaptive, they would not be giving
him trouble. They would automatically function in a more positive way. However, he is paired with a partner, who in this case also has default tendencies to behave in certain ways. Unfortunately, her behaviors
contradict or undermine his, again outside of either's awareness.
In this case...
She is more likely to have come from a family of avoiders.
She probably does not like and often runs from conflict. She tends to
mask her real wants in general terms, which drives the more
specific/direct types crazy. She may do very well in non-personal
relationship environments, such as work, where she may perform very well
because of the lack of deeper personal dynamics. But at home, her
personal side is exposed and she runs from intimacy, including sex.
She may have social avoidance tendencies or just the opposite with a
twist. I have seen such individuals be very social, even though they
may be very socially superficial.
The basic assumptions of each are at odds and this couple goes
round and round, until frustration emerges. Sooner or later, such a
couple goes to neutral corners, or worse. Their values of Worth are
expressed in ways that are mutually incompatible, hence the rising
conflicts.
The point of this article is that each probably learned such
behavior patterns early on, and unconsciously acts them out in their
behavior styles towards each other. The behavior styles reflect each
partner's sense of worth, albeit in different, and in this case
incompatible ways. In a future article, compatible behavioral styles
will be addressed in relation to basic feelings of Worth.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for almost twenty-five years. By far, the single
most central element, the one thing that pervades almost every
other issue is self-esteem. It touches everything-sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. There are four primary elements of self-esteem.
I call them "Powers" because when we develop any one of them,
we become more personally powerful. The Four Powers of Self-Esteem
are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength and Self-Acceptance. This
article is Part II, so please read Part I before reading this one. It deals with the first Power of self-esteem and its expression in Negative Loops, which is a cyclical expression of basic behavior patterns learned from one's family-of-origin (explained in Part I).
Here is an example of a Negative Loop that expresses deeply learned behavioral tendencies between two people in a long-term relationship. The following is quoted from this author's ebook on Why Relationships Fail.
Assertiveness vs. Avoidant Styles.
"He's assertive, she's not. He speaks up and wants
their communication to be direct. She avoids clear
communication and is not assertive. She may ask for
something for the kids, really wanting something for
herself. He busts her, telling her it would be a lot
better if she just stated what she wanted, leaving the
kids out of it. In response, she feels criticized and
further shrinks. She may withdraw, play solitaire or
just leave the house to go for a workout at the gym.
He enjoys the separation until his frustration surfaces
at not having help with chores, or just having a
compatible mate. He becomes even more determined and
"comes down" on her with more force--greater insistence
that she "speak up." This drives her more deeply into
her hole. Her compensations are even less direct,
"driving him up the wall."
The early patterns go something like this: He is articulate and
a hard worker. He may be impatient, but sooner or later needs to
speak up. He does not handle stresses well and might be compromised
by physical ailments, disturbed father-son relationships, poor results communicating with older female siblings, etc. He may be very dynamic.
He may be used to getting what he wants more or less immediately.
He could have trouble dealing with impulses and want immediate
gratification. He may have a higher sex drive. Many of these values
evolved from his family-of-origin experiences. They now are default experiences that seep into his daily interactions without him having
much awareness of them. Were these adaptive, they would not be giving
him trouble. They would automatically function in a more positive way. However, he is paired with a partner, who in this case also has default tendencies to behave in certain ways. Unfortunately, her behaviors
contradict or undermine his, again outside of either's awareness.
In this case...
She is more likely to have come from a family of avoiders.
She probably does not like and often runs from conflict. She tends to
mask her real wants in general terms, which drives the more
specific/direct types crazy. She may do very well in non-personal
relationship environments, such as work, where she may perform very well
because of the lack of deeper personal dynamics. But at home, her
personal side is exposed and she runs from intimacy, including sex.
She may have social avoidance tendencies or just the opposite with a
twist. I have seen such individuals be very social, even though they
may be very socially superficial.
The basic assumptions of each are at odds and this couple goes
round and round, until frustration emerges. Sooner or later, such a
couple goes to neutral corners, or worse. Their values of Worth are
expressed in ways that are mutually incompatible, hence the rising
conflicts.
The point of this article is that each probably learned such
behavior patterns early on, and unconsciously acts them out in their
behavior styles towards each other. The behavior styles reflect each
partner's sense of worth, albeit in different, and in this case
incompatible ways. In a future article, compatible behavioral styles
will be addressed in relation to basic feelings of Worth.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Worth and Long-term Relationships-Part I
Worth and Long-term Relationships-Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for over two decades. The single most central
element, the one thing that pervades almost every other issue
is self-esteem. It touches everything--sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. There are four primary elements of self-esteem.
I call them "Powers" because when we develop any one of them,
we become more personally powerful. The Four Powers of
Self-Esteem are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength and
Self-Acceptance. This article is about the First Power and
its effect on long-term relationships.
"Worth is the First Power and the most common term used
to describe self-esteem. Specifically, Worth has to do
with your basic feeling of value. Are you a basically
good human being? You might even think of this
category as "Goodness" instead of Worth. Both work.
Are human beings worthwhile as a species? Are you
valuable? Important? What are the markers of your
Worth (and I don't mean lots of money, although that can
contribute...).
Another dimension of Worth is health. Are you
mentally or physically ill? You might have a basic
sense that you are defective. Are you adequate?
Or, do you feel useless or flawed?
Another dimension has to do with your
characteristics. Are you significantly different from
others? Are you too tall? Too short? Too many
freckles? Too smart or dumb? Are you not so
handsome or not so beautiful? Do you think you
are not the perfect weight?
The last dimension of Worth is behavior. Depending
upon how we were raised, we have tendencies to handle
situations, feelings and thoughts in characteristic ways.
While some of this is genetic and personality driven
(see this author's other articles on this subject
in this article directory), most of it is learned, and
learned from those who originally raised us.
Of the four powers, Worth is the first to develop and
tends to be most central to our functioning as adequate
human beings.
It is important to understand how the strength or
weakness of our sense of Worth. This understanding
often provides one of the first directions in
psychotherapy, which is a process of talking about
and uncovering early experiences, and then looking at
how they play out in our current lives. Of particular
relevance to this article is how Worth influences
relationships. The direction Worth takes in its
expression and the strength of its expression forms
one of the first experiences of compatibility with our
partners. This can be good or bad, depending
upon the mixture of characteristics manifested by
either partner in relation to each other."
In an ebook, this author writes about Negative Loops, which
is a dynamic based upon Worth values, gleaned from
family-of-origin experiences. In this case the values of Worth
are negative and reflect in maladaptive behaviors. A Negative
Loop is when one partner does something that
irritates/angers the second partner. The second partner's
reaction, being negative, is expressed in behavior(s) that
actually make the first partner madder, because it was this
behavior from the second partner that originally made the
first partner mad. Now, the first partner does the very
thing again, this time with more anger, which of course is the
very behavior that made the second partner angry. But the
second partner's now frustration propels the second partner to
counter-behave also with increased amounts of frustration,
thus escalating the exchange. The first partner then takes
it from there, escalating even further by doing the same thing
again. This intensity increases at each level until one of
the partners does something more extreme. The relationship
goes BOOM!
This article is continued in Part II
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked
with people for over two decades. The single most central
element, the one thing that pervades almost every other issue
is self-esteem. It touches everything--sex and
relationships, work problems, anxiety, depression, addictions;
you name it. There are four primary elements of self-esteem.
I call them "Powers" because when we develop any one of them,
we become more personally powerful. The Four Powers of
Self-Esteem are: Worth, Competence, Ego-Strength and
Self-Acceptance. This article is about the First Power and
its effect on long-term relationships.
"Worth is the First Power and the most common term used
to describe self-esteem. Specifically, Worth has to do
with your basic feeling of value. Are you a basically
good human being? You might even think of this
category as "Goodness" instead of Worth. Both work.
Are human beings worthwhile as a species? Are you
valuable? Important? What are the markers of your
Worth (and I don't mean lots of money, although that can
contribute...).
Another dimension of Worth is health. Are you
mentally or physically ill? You might have a basic
sense that you are defective. Are you adequate?
Or, do you feel useless or flawed?
Another dimension has to do with your
characteristics. Are you significantly different from
others? Are you too tall? Too short? Too many
freckles? Too smart or dumb? Are you not so
handsome or not so beautiful? Do you think you
are not the perfect weight?
The last dimension of Worth is behavior. Depending
upon how we were raised, we have tendencies to handle
situations, feelings and thoughts in characteristic ways.
While some of this is genetic and personality driven
(see this author's other articles on this subject
in this article directory), most of it is learned, and
learned from those who originally raised us.
Of the four powers, Worth is the first to develop and
tends to be most central to our functioning as adequate
human beings.
It is important to understand how the strength or
weakness of our sense of Worth. This understanding
often provides one of the first directions in
psychotherapy, which is a process of talking about
and uncovering early experiences, and then looking at
how they play out in our current lives. Of particular
relevance to this article is how Worth influences
relationships. The direction Worth takes in its
expression and the strength of its expression forms
one of the first experiences of compatibility with our
partners. This can be good or bad, depending
upon the mixture of characteristics manifested by
either partner in relation to each other."
In an ebook, this author writes about Negative Loops, which
is a dynamic based upon Worth values, gleaned from
family-of-origin experiences. In this case the values of Worth
are negative and reflect in maladaptive behaviors. A Negative
Loop is when one partner does something that
irritates/angers the second partner. The second partner's
reaction, being negative, is expressed in behavior(s) that
actually make the first partner madder, because it was this
behavior from the second partner that originally made the
first partner mad. Now, the first partner does the very
thing again, this time with more anger, which of course is the
very behavior that made the second partner angry. But the
second partner's now frustration propels the second partner to
counter-behave also with increased amounts of frustration,
thus escalating the exchange. The first partner then takes
it from there, escalating even further by doing the same thing
again. This intensity increases at each level until one of
the partners does something more extreme. The relationship
goes BOOM!
This article is continued in Part II
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Assertiveness and Personal Relationships
Assertiveness and Personal Relationships
We all know that assertiveness is a good ability to have.
What is assertiveness? I define it in three stages, beginning,
intermediate and advanced. Beginning assertiveness is simply
sharing with another how we think and feel. Think of it as
playing a hand of cards and we lay our cards on the table,
face up for our opponent to see. The opponent now knows our hand.
We haven't requested to see our opponent's cards. We are just
sharing what we have.
Intermediate assertiveness is asking for something we want.
Once having shared our experience (thoughts and feelings,
metaphorically speaking) it is only natural to request something
based upon sharing this information. For example, we are hungry.
Once having shared that fact, it is only natural to ask for food.
Advanced assertiveness is for professionals, and is not
something most of us will ever have to practice. An example is
when the police negotiate with criminals in banks who hold hostages
for money. An example is when a psychologist talks with a patient
on the phone when they are poised at the top of a building,
considering whether or not to jump. Less extreme examples are
very complicated business deals that involve millions of dollars.
These are scenarios better left to competent, well-trained specialists.
But in personal relationships, we also need assertiveness,
just not the advanced version. The reason assertiveness is so
difficult with personal connections is that we have to continue,
often live with the person after we communicate.
Assertiveness is about being honest, and when we are in
relationships, honesty sometimes comes back to haunt us. We are
increasingly ourselves as our relationships mature. That is, the
novelty wears off over time and we are less prone to be on our best
behavior. The real "us" emerges. We then develop a history with
our partners, and the daily interaction does not always produce
positive memories. These thoughts, memories and feelings back up
unless expressed, which is when assertiveness becomes important.
So, when we communicate something honest with our partners,
there are consequences. I espouse a formula for general
communication called the four-to-one rule, which, simply stated,
means for every one negative thing communicated, there better be
four positive ones, overall. This cushions the impact of the one
communicated thing that may or may not be so positive. Being in
a relationships with emerging honesty requires we communicate more
and more of what is real, hence the need to frame our ideas in more
positive language and examples.
When I communicate assertively with my partner, s/he has to
know I do not mean harm; rather, I am attempting to clear the air,
or balance some tension. It could be in the form of simply sharing
feelings or, if a little further along, asking for something that
I think if important. My intent is to make a difference in the
quality of our interaction without creating a negative experience
that I have to later re-negotiate, or worse, chronically live with.
Does this mean we only communicate positive things and avoid
conflict? No. One, this is impossible. Two, this is not healthy.
Conflict is inevitable; so do not even think of trying to avoid it.
The only course is to deal with conflict and express it honestly,
realistically and directly. (These are the backbone skills
underlying assertiveness.) In relationships, the opportunity to
relate to our partners in this manner occurs more often, even more
still as the relationship goes through its stages (four in my way
of thinking) and even more still when we live together. In the
latter case, avoiding each other takes a deliberate act because of
daily proximity.
For more information about learning to become assertive and why
relationships fail, visit my website and review my two ebooks on this
subject.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page3.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
We all know that assertiveness is a good ability to have.
What is assertiveness? I define it in three stages, beginning,
intermediate and advanced. Beginning assertiveness is simply
sharing with another how we think and feel. Think of it as
playing a hand of cards and we lay our cards on the table,
face up for our opponent to see. The opponent now knows our hand.
We haven't requested to see our opponent's cards. We are just
sharing what we have.
Intermediate assertiveness is asking for something we want.
Once having shared our experience (thoughts and feelings,
metaphorically speaking) it is only natural to request something
based upon sharing this information. For example, we are hungry.
Once having shared that fact, it is only natural to ask for food.
Advanced assertiveness is for professionals, and is not
something most of us will ever have to practice. An example is
when the police negotiate with criminals in banks who hold hostages
for money. An example is when a psychologist talks with a patient
on the phone when they are poised at the top of a building,
considering whether or not to jump. Less extreme examples are
very complicated business deals that involve millions of dollars.
These are scenarios better left to competent, well-trained specialists.
But in personal relationships, we also need assertiveness,
just not the advanced version. The reason assertiveness is so
difficult with personal connections is that we have to continue,
often live with the person after we communicate.
Assertiveness is about being honest, and when we are in
relationships, honesty sometimes comes back to haunt us. We are
increasingly ourselves as our relationships mature. That is, the
novelty wears off over time and we are less prone to be on our best
behavior. The real "us" emerges. We then develop a history with
our partners, and the daily interaction does not always produce
positive memories. These thoughts, memories and feelings back up
unless expressed, which is when assertiveness becomes important.
So, when we communicate something honest with our partners,
there are consequences. I espouse a formula for general
communication called the four-to-one rule, which, simply stated,
means for every one negative thing communicated, there better be
four positive ones, overall. This cushions the impact of the one
communicated thing that may or may not be so positive. Being in
a relationships with emerging honesty requires we communicate more
and more of what is real, hence the need to frame our ideas in more
positive language and examples.
When I communicate assertively with my partner, s/he has to
know I do not mean harm; rather, I am attempting to clear the air,
or balance some tension. It could be in the form of simply sharing
feelings or, if a little further along, asking for something that
I think if important. My intent is to make a difference in the
quality of our interaction without creating a negative experience
that I have to later re-negotiate, or worse, chronically live with.
Does this mean we only communicate positive things and avoid
conflict? No. One, this is impossible. Two, this is not healthy.
Conflict is inevitable; so do not even think of trying to avoid it.
The only course is to deal with conflict and express it honestly,
realistically and directly. (These are the backbone skills
underlying assertiveness.) In relationships, the opportunity to
relate to our partners in this manner occurs more often, even more
still as the relationship goes through its stages (four in my way
of thinking) and even more still when we live together. In the
latter case, avoiding each other takes a deliberate act because of
daily proximity.
For more information about learning to become assertive and why
relationships fail, visit my website and review my two ebooks on this
subject.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page3.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Wayward Relationships Are Common
Wayward Relationships Are Common
Everyone has had a rocky relationship. We know the signs--poor
communication, icy silence, blow-ups, cold shoulders, fights (verbal
or physical), and so one.
Even the relationship we have now, if we have one, is probably
not perfect. Subtler elements of the above problem behaviors creep
into our everyday interactions, even if we are relatively happy with
our partner.
As an outpatient psychologist who deal a lot with couples
struggling with these issues, I have found a few common themes that
seem to make the difference between the "haves and the have nots"
when it comes to compatible and satisfying relationships.
We all know communication is key, but what is not well know are
what "elements" of communication make for a great relationship.
It is one thing to say what we feel or ask for what we want. But
there is one crucial dynamic and two crucial areas that need to be
addressed. These three aspects of communication separate the
effective from the ineffective communicators.
The first subject is the dynamic of the communication itself.
What people do not realize is that there are actually two levels of
communication. I call these "content" and "process." Content refers
to the most superficial aspects of what is being communicated. It is
the "issue" or concern or topic. If I complain about my wife leaving
the cap off of the toothpaste tube, this is the content-the cap,
the toothpaste tube and her leaving the cap off. Only about ten
percent of what is communicated is actually communicated at the level
of content.
The more important dynamic is what I call process. This includes
all the non-verbal aspects that accompany the actual verbal description
of the issue (content). Non-verbal cues are things like volume of the
spoken word, speed of the words, word choice, word timing and body
language (which is actually quite rich and complex). Process
comprises about ninety percent of what is actually communicated between
people when speaking face-to-face. It still comprises up to fifty
percent of what is communicated even in telephone conversations,
because of the subtleties and richness of the voice mouthing the
spoken words.
A significant aspect of the content-process dimension is
congruence or incongruence. Congruence is when the speaker's
non-verbal signals match or line up with or say the same thing as the
words themselves. For example, if I am angry I should be frowning.
Incongruence is when the non-verbal cues are different or possibly just
contradict the verbal ones. For example, when I am angry I am smiling.
The two elements that most people omit when communicating are
articulating the process and validating. Articulating the process is
putting the non-verbal or process aspects of communication into words;
that is, actually describing what is normally non-verbal with actual
words. For example, if I were angry, normally I would show that
feeling by my non-verbal cues (loudness, gesticulation, etc.).
If I articulate my process, I just say I am angry, using just the
right word to capture the degree of anger (frustration, irritation,
miffed, and so on). In other words, I don't leave anything to chance.
I spell out exactly what I want to express at a feeling level, which is
about seventy-five percent of process communication.
The second area of communication is validation. This is when
I paraphrase or put into my words the communication of my partner
BEFORE I respond. And, I re-iterate the communication at both levels,
content and process. (It also is helpful if my partner "checks"
my paraphrasing to insure I don't miss anything.) This is the most
basic and bare presentation of these very important and often overlook
or omitted dynamics and crucial areas of communication. For a very
detailed description, see my ebook, Why Relationships Fail.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Everyone has had a rocky relationship. We know the signs--poor
communication, icy silence, blow-ups, cold shoulders, fights (verbal
or physical), and so one.
Even the relationship we have now, if we have one, is probably
not perfect. Subtler elements of the above problem behaviors creep
into our everyday interactions, even if we are relatively happy with
our partner.
As an outpatient psychologist who deal a lot with couples
struggling with these issues, I have found a few common themes that
seem to make the difference between the "haves and the have nots"
when it comes to compatible and satisfying relationships.
We all know communication is key, but what is not well know are
what "elements" of communication make for a great relationship.
It is one thing to say what we feel or ask for what we want. But
there is one crucial dynamic and two crucial areas that need to be
addressed. These three aspects of communication separate the
effective from the ineffective communicators.
The first subject is the dynamic of the communication itself.
What people do not realize is that there are actually two levels of
communication. I call these "content" and "process." Content refers
to the most superficial aspects of what is being communicated. It is
the "issue" or concern or topic. If I complain about my wife leaving
the cap off of the toothpaste tube, this is the content-the cap,
the toothpaste tube and her leaving the cap off. Only about ten
percent of what is communicated is actually communicated at the level
of content.
The more important dynamic is what I call process. This includes
all the non-verbal aspects that accompany the actual verbal description
of the issue (content). Non-verbal cues are things like volume of the
spoken word, speed of the words, word choice, word timing and body
language (which is actually quite rich and complex). Process
comprises about ninety percent of what is actually communicated between
people when speaking face-to-face. It still comprises up to fifty
percent of what is communicated even in telephone conversations,
because of the subtleties and richness of the voice mouthing the
spoken words.
A significant aspect of the content-process dimension is
congruence or incongruence. Congruence is when the speaker's
non-verbal signals match or line up with or say the same thing as the
words themselves. For example, if I am angry I should be frowning.
Incongruence is when the non-verbal cues are different or possibly just
contradict the verbal ones. For example, when I am angry I am smiling.
The two elements that most people omit when communicating are
articulating the process and validating. Articulating the process is
putting the non-verbal or process aspects of communication into words;
that is, actually describing what is normally non-verbal with actual
words. For example, if I were angry, normally I would show that
feeling by my non-verbal cues (loudness, gesticulation, etc.).
If I articulate my process, I just say I am angry, using just the
right word to capture the degree of anger (frustration, irritation,
miffed, and so on). In other words, I don't leave anything to chance.
I spell out exactly what I want to express at a feeling level, which is
about seventy-five percent of process communication.
The second area of communication is validation. This is when
I paraphrase or put into my words the communication of my partner
BEFORE I respond. And, I re-iterate the communication at both levels,
content and process. (It also is helpful if my partner "checks"
my paraphrasing to insure I don't miss anything.) This is the most
basic and bare presentation of these very important and often overlook
or omitted dynamics and crucial areas of communication. For a very
detailed description, see my ebook, Why Relationships Fail.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Self-Esteem and You-The Beginnings-Part V
Self-Esteem and You-The Beginnings-Part V
(In my twenty-four (+) years as an outpatient psychologist,
I have worked with all walks of people, of all ages and beliefs,
of all races and income levels. Every one of the people I work
with has a self-esteem. Every one of these people got that
self-esteem by living day-to-day, absorbing messages about
themselves in every context and activity. How does self-esteem
form? This is part II of a series of article, each starting
where the previous one ended...)
At the end of high school, we meet a more pressing fate.
We must decide what to do, increasingly separate from our
caretakers. Normally, the choices are to set up a family,
which means meeting the right person and forming a more permanent
relationship, OR, get a job, regardless, OR continue going to
school to prepare for a presumably better career.
Self-esteem is forged in the experiences of everything that
has previously occurred, and works its magic in not very subtle
ways to shape the decisions in each of these three areas.
Most of us look for work or more school experiences. Some of
us think the relationship we have at this moment is the be all
and end all, so we get married. Our choices have been shaped
by how valuable we think we are, how intelligent we think we are,
how skilled at any particular ability we perceive we are, and
so on. The hundreds of messages drilled into our heads during
the previous eighteen years, now play out in life choices.
To the extent that our view of ourselves is accurate, we
make appropriate choices. For example, if I know I am smart and
did well in school, then choosing college probably makes more
sense, given that there is money to pay for it and openings at
my chosen school. But if I have mechanical aptitude and didn't
like school, choosing college may create problems with my sense
of self simply because I'm not likely to do well in more academic
classes, this time more difficult ones. This seems like common
sense until we consider that not all of our messages that make
up our self-esteems are consonant; that is, agree with each other.
Our parents may have told us to go to college, regardless of
whether we liked it or not, regardless of whether we had school
sense or not, and so on.
Part of our self-esteem messages is valuing ourselves and
respecting the truth of some messages and not others. Part of
our self-esteem is valuing our own ability to discriminate the
quality of the messages that have lodged in our awareness.
This dynamic is behind the functioning of our truth compass.
If our self-esteems have developed through all the difficulties
of childhood, "tween" and teen stages, we have a pretty good idea
of what is the truth about who we are and what may be fluff.
If we have some training to actually listen to ourselves, we pay
more attention to the truth, and thus are more able to make
appropriate decisions about relationships, further education and
ultimately, career.
Both relationships and employment reinforce our choices and
the very foundation of our self-esteem. Think of these two
dimensions as the ultimate grade we give ourselves. They are
like twin final exams, delivering the verdict of life, in real
time, measuring our success in traversing the previous stages and
obstacles. One of my professors in graduate school once said
to me, "There are two things that make or break people...one is
relationships and the other is jobs." Now I know what he meant.
In reality, self-esteem never stops evolving, even into old
age. Getting through the beginning phases, which I have
covered up through post high school is difficult enough.
If done correctly, self-esteem stabilizes and gives us a base
from which to work for the rest of lives. However, as one might
guess, self-esteem continues to evolve, just slower and in
different directions. It is never replete.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page6.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
(In my twenty-four (+) years as an outpatient psychologist,
I have worked with all walks of people, of all ages and beliefs,
of all races and income levels. Every one of the people I work
with has a self-esteem. Every one of these people got that
self-esteem by living day-to-day, absorbing messages about
themselves in every context and activity. How does self-esteem
form? This is part II of a series of article, each starting
where the previous one ended...)
At the end of high school, we meet a more pressing fate.
We must decide what to do, increasingly separate from our
caretakers. Normally, the choices are to set up a family,
which means meeting the right person and forming a more permanent
relationship, OR, get a job, regardless, OR continue going to
school to prepare for a presumably better career.
Self-esteem is forged in the experiences of everything that
has previously occurred, and works its magic in not very subtle
ways to shape the decisions in each of these three areas.
Most of us look for work or more school experiences. Some of
us think the relationship we have at this moment is the be all
and end all, so we get married. Our choices have been shaped
by how valuable we think we are, how intelligent we think we are,
how skilled at any particular ability we perceive we are, and
so on. The hundreds of messages drilled into our heads during
the previous eighteen years, now play out in life choices.
To the extent that our view of ourselves is accurate, we
make appropriate choices. For example, if I know I am smart and
did well in school, then choosing college probably makes more
sense, given that there is money to pay for it and openings at
my chosen school. But if I have mechanical aptitude and didn't
like school, choosing college may create problems with my sense
of self simply because I'm not likely to do well in more academic
classes, this time more difficult ones. This seems like common
sense until we consider that not all of our messages that make
up our self-esteems are consonant; that is, agree with each other.
Our parents may have told us to go to college, regardless of
whether we liked it or not, regardless of whether we had school
sense or not, and so on.
Part of our self-esteem messages is valuing ourselves and
respecting the truth of some messages and not others. Part of
our self-esteem is valuing our own ability to discriminate the
quality of the messages that have lodged in our awareness.
This dynamic is behind the functioning of our truth compass.
If our self-esteems have developed through all the difficulties
of childhood, "tween" and teen stages, we have a pretty good idea
of what is the truth about who we are and what may be fluff.
If we have some training to actually listen to ourselves, we pay
more attention to the truth, and thus are more able to make
appropriate decisions about relationships, further education and
ultimately, career.
Both relationships and employment reinforce our choices and
the very foundation of our self-esteem. Think of these two
dimensions as the ultimate grade we give ourselves. They are
like twin final exams, delivering the verdict of life, in real
time, measuring our success in traversing the previous stages and
obstacles. One of my professors in graduate school once said
to me, "There are two things that make or break people...one is
relationships and the other is jobs." Now I know what he meant.
In reality, self-esteem never stops evolving, even into old
age. Getting through the beginning phases, which I have
covered up through post high school is difficult enough.
If done correctly, self-esteem stabilizes and gives us a base
from which to work for the rest of lives. However, as one might
guess, self-esteem continues to evolve, just slower and in
different directions. It is never replete.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page6.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Self-Esteem and You-The Beginnings-Part IV
Self-Esteem and You-The Beginnings-Part IV
(In my twenty-four (+) years as an outpatient psychologist,
I have worked with all walks of people, of all ages and beliefs,
of all races and income levels. Every one of the people I work
with has a self-esteem. Every one of these people got that
self-esteem by living day-to-day, absorbing messages about
themselves in every context and activity. How does self-esteem
form? This is part II of a series of article, each starting
where the previous one ended...)
Hormones cut in earlier in life than we realize. In girls,
hormones begin at about age eight and one-half years. In boys,
this occurs about one year later. Physical changes do not
usually show up in either gender until several years later
(with some occasional dramatic exceptions), but behavioral
changes start within a month or two. The most reported and
complained about behavior changes (from the parent's point of
view) is "testiness." Not surprisingly, androgen (testosterone,
which has the same root word as testiness)) is one of the most
powerful of the hormones flooding both genders at this age.
This hormone pushes behaviors to extremes, so right away kids
start to challenge their parents, asking why when they can't have
their way, resisting guidance, etc. This is all the behavioral
cursor to puberty.
In high school, this hormone torrent has reached a peak,
pushing behaviors to even greater limits, and paradoxically,
driving us to interact. After all, the purpose of hormones is
to propel the body into adulthood, when we will meet others, mate
and ultimately produce little ones but also conquer the world.
Hormones drive expansion. It is the biological imperative.
Not surprisingly, this is one of the big events that sets up the
next major phase in the development of our self-esteems.
How we relate to others shapes how we will fair in life,
whether it is in or out of relationship heaven (vs. that "other"
place), whether we successfully compete with others for jobs,
salaries, positions, etc. But for now, the relationships
emerging in high school become something of a blueprint for how
we will approach setting up life partners, or multiple life
relationships, with significant others, or even continuing with
family.
In the high school environment, self-esteem and particularly,
relating to others is paramount. We all know the horrors of peer
pressure, especially if we fail to live up to norms.
Unfortunately, the norms change, as do the daily circumstances.
This is a period of intrapersonal acceleration; meaning,
concerning others, things start happening really fast. We run
into others more frequently and at the same time we have greater
freedoms, being older, and greater sensitivities, being more
driven to define ourselves, socially. These confluences create
confusion, because there are multiple conflicts inherent to the
instability of such dramatic changes. Relationships are good
one minute, then bad. We fall in love, and then hate that very
same person an hour later. Our self-esteems ride to the tops of
these waves, only to sink to the very bottom a short time later.
This is the influence of hormones with emerging independences and
increased abilities. Growth is good but during this phase
wreaks havoc.
Most teens respond to such a whirlwind of sensations,
thoughts and feelings, by bonding with fellow sufferers.
We form cliques, commonly known in sociology parlance as
"in-groups" or "out-groups." Kids talk of this by referring to
the "popular" kids. That motivates the outsiders to form their
own cliques and has spawned a zillion social and cultural oddities
(think of any crazy behavioral teen trend and this will become
immediately obvious). It is all based upon defining self, either
with a group or against it. In both cases, the message to
self is, "this is how I fit in" or "this is how I don't want to
fit in," etc. The crux of this dynamic is forming self in
relation to others. The messages are more and more self-created,
but are largely hormonally driven in the beginning of high school.
In the next article, work and permanent relationships and
their influence on self-esteem....Part V.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page6.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
(In my twenty-four (+) years as an outpatient psychologist,
I have worked with all walks of people, of all ages and beliefs,
of all races and income levels. Every one of the people I work
with has a self-esteem. Every one of these people got that
self-esteem by living day-to-day, absorbing messages about
themselves in every context and activity. How does self-esteem
form? This is part II of a series of article, each starting
where the previous one ended...)
Hormones cut in earlier in life than we realize. In girls,
hormones begin at about age eight and one-half years. In boys,
this occurs about one year later. Physical changes do not
usually show up in either gender until several years later
(with some occasional dramatic exceptions), but behavioral
changes start within a month or two. The most reported and
complained about behavior changes (from the parent's point of
view) is "testiness." Not surprisingly, androgen (testosterone,
which has the same root word as testiness)) is one of the most
powerful of the hormones flooding both genders at this age.
This hormone pushes behaviors to extremes, so right away kids
start to challenge their parents, asking why when they can't have
their way, resisting guidance, etc. This is all the behavioral
cursor to puberty.
In high school, this hormone torrent has reached a peak,
pushing behaviors to even greater limits, and paradoxically,
driving us to interact. After all, the purpose of hormones is
to propel the body into adulthood, when we will meet others, mate
and ultimately produce little ones but also conquer the world.
Hormones drive expansion. It is the biological imperative.
Not surprisingly, this is one of the big events that sets up the
next major phase in the development of our self-esteems.
How we relate to others shapes how we will fair in life,
whether it is in or out of relationship heaven (vs. that "other"
place), whether we successfully compete with others for jobs,
salaries, positions, etc. But for now, the relationships
emerging in high school become something of a blueprint for how
we will approach setting up life partners, or multiple life
relationships, with significant others, or even continuing with
family.
In the high school environment, self-esteem and particularly,
relating to others is paramount. We all know the horrors of peer
pressure, especially if we fail to live up to norms.
Unfortunately, the norms change, as do the daily circumstances.
This is a period of intrapersonal acceleration; meaning,
concerning others, things start happening really fast. We run
into others more frequently and at the same time we have greater
freedoms, being older, and greater sensitivities, being more
driven to define ourselves, socially. These confluences create
confusion, because there are multiple conflicts inherent to the
instability of such dramatic changes. Relationships are good
one minute, then bad. We fall in love, and then hate that very
same person an hour later. Our self-esteems ride to the tops of
these waves, only to sink to the very bottom a short time later.
This is the influence of hormones with emerging independences and
increased abilities. Growth is good but during this phase
wreaks havoc.
Most teens respond to such a whirlwind of sensations,
thoughts and feelings, by bonding with fellow sufferers.
We form cliques, commonly known in sociology parlance as
"in-groups" or "out-groups." Kids talk of this by referring to
the "popular" kids. That motivates the outsiders to form their
own cliques and has spawned a zillion social and cultural oddities
(think of any crazy behavioral teen trend and this will become
immediately obvious). It is all based upon defining self, either
with a group or against it. In both cases, the message to
self is, "this is how I fit in" or "this is how I don't want to
fit in," etc. The crux of this dynamic is forming self in
relation to others. The messages are more and more self-created,
but are largely hormonally driven in the beginning of high school.
In the next article, work and permanent relationships and
their influence on self-esteem....Part V.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page6.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
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