Anger Management, Relationships, Empathy And Other Stuff

Anger Management, Relationships, Empathy And Other Stuff
Examine the dynamics underlying the anger, especially
in relationships. For example, you like a certain amount
of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other"
wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts
complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting
your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your
neck. If you are playing off someone else’s behaviors and
you both get angrier and angrier, you may be stuck in reciprocal
negative feedback. I call these Negative Loops. I discuss
this at length in my Ebook, Why Relationship Fail. Negative Loops happen

when partner
A does something that annoys partner B. Partner B’s response
is to do the very thing that annoyed partner A in the first
place. Now partner A is again annoyed, because s/he expected
that what s/he did would decrease, not increase partner B’s
annoying behavior. Not having much insight, partner A does
the same thing again to stop partner B’s behavior, only this
time powered by greater frustration. Partner B likes this
response even less the second time around, but responds with
his or her same behavior, this time having more frustration on
board, too. Each does the same thing, but at each level there
is more frustration, hence escalation. This continues until
one of the partners “goes BOOM!” This is when something bad
happens. I call this a Negative loop because both partners
play off the other negatively, making things worse, not better.
Identify the specific feeling you experience. Sometimes
angry behavior is not about anger. More likely it is about
feeling hurt, but hurt is fundamentally a different feeling.
Unfortunately, when hurt is expressed, it looks like anger
because it is more explosive, hence the confusion in the
recipient. The way to clear up this problem is to find
adequate feeling words and use them liberally to verbalize your
emotions. If you don’t know enough words, I have a list of the
nine major feeling words in the back of my Ebook, The Five Steps
of Assertiveness. I have almost eight hundred
synonyms for the nine feeling words, including about 122 just for
anger.
Most people get angry about things that tend to repeat.
Sometimes that’s a specific behavior, sometimes that’s a category
of behaviors. For example, some people get mad when people cut
in line. In this case, the category is “rudeness” or
“inconsideration of others.” It might not matter that the
“cutter” is 90 years old and will probably not live out the day.
A rule is a rule. If this is your experience, examine the rules.
They are just another form of expectations. Check out how
embedded your feelings are with respect to those rules; in other
words, what is your level of attachment? Are you trying to get
someone to change? This approach probably won’t work. These
are the factors that you have to make conscious. In this case,
you clearly recognize the value of the rule, but how in need are
you of having to rigidly adhere to it? Would empathy for the
“cutter” give you a better feeling? Would this “offense” still
be in your memory in five years?
Be Creative. Find alternatives. If your daily commute
through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration,
give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one
that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another
alternative, such as a bus or commuter train. If you are stuck
using only one route, use the commute time to listen to books on
tape. Learn another language while watching hi-expectation folks
“flip off” other drivers (and then marvel at your understanding of
expectations and attachment…)
Employ humor. "Silly humor" can defuse rage in a number of
ways. It can help you get a more balanced perspective.
For example, when you get angry and call someone a name or refer
to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that
word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think
a coworker really is a "dirt bag" or a "single-cell life form,"
picture a large bag full of dirt (or a big fat amoeba) sitting at
your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings or
going on a date. Do this whenever a name comes into your head
about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the
actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge
off your fury; and humor can always be relied upon to help unknot
a tense situation.
There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to
just "laugh off" your problems because that is probably denial at
work. Stuffing feelings creates an emotional time bomb, so don’t
rationalize the process by making something superficially funny.
Rather, use humor to help yourself face things constructively.
Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another
form of unhealthy anger expression.
-Dr. Griggs

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http://www.drgriggs.org

Anger Management Dynamics and Other Stuff

Anger Management Dynamics and Other Stuff
Examine the dynamics underlying anger, especially
in relationships. For example, you like a certain amount
of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other"
wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts
complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting
your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your
neck. If you are playing off someone else’s behaviors and
you both get angrier and angrier, you may be stuck in reciprocal
negative feedback.
I call these Negative Loops. I discuss
this at length in my Ebook, Why Relationship Fail. Negative
Loops happen when partner A does something that annoys partner B.
Partner B’s response is to do the very thing that annoyed partner
A in the first place. Now partner A is again annoyed, because
s/he expected that what s/he did would decrease, not increase
partner B’s annoying behavior. Not having much insight, partner
A does the same thing again to stop partner B’s behavior, only this
time powered by greater frustration. Partner B likes this
response even less the second time around, but responds with
his or her same behavior, this time having more frustration on
board, too. Each does the same thing, but at each level there
is more frustration, hence escalation. This continues until
one of the partners “goes BOOM!” This is when something bad
happens. I call this a Negative loop because both partners
play off the other negatively, making things worse, not better.
Identify the specific feeling you experience. Sometimes
angry behavior is not about anger. More likely it is about
feeling hurt, but hurt is fundamentally a different feeling.
Unfortunately, when hurt is expressed, it looks like anger
because it is more explosive, hence the confusion in the
recipient. The way to clear up this problem is to find
adequate feeling words and use them liberally to verbalize your
emotions. If you don’t know enough words, I have a list of the
nine major feeling words in the back of my Ebook, The Five Steps
of Assertiveness (see REFERENCES). I have almost eight hundred
synonyms for the nine feeling words, including about 122 just for
anger.
Most people get angry about things that tend to repeat.
Sometimes that’s a specific behavior, sometimes that’s a category
of behaviors. For example, some people get mad when people cut
in line. In this case, the category is “rudeness” or
“inconsideration of others.” It might not matter that the
“cutter” is 90 years old and will probably not live out the day.
A rule is a rule. If this is your experience, examine the rules.
They are just another form of expectations. Check out how
embedded your feelings are with respect to those rules; in other
words, what is your level of attachment? Are you trying to get
someone to change? This approach probably won’t work. These
are the factors that you have to make conscious. In this case,
you clearly recognize the value of the rule, but how in need are
you of having to rigidly adhere to it? Would empathy for the
“cutter” give you a better feeling? Would this “offense” still
be in your memory in five years?
Be Creative. Find alternatives. If your daily commute
through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration,
give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one
that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another
alternative, such as a bus or commuter train. If you are stuck
using only one route, use the commute time to listen to books on
tape. Learn another language while watching hi-expectation folks
“flip off” other drivers (and then marvel at your understanding of
expectations and attachment…)
Employ humor. "Silly humor" can defuse rage in a number of
ways. It can help you get a more balanced perspective.
For example, when you get angry and call someone a name or refer
to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that
word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think
a coworker really is a "dirt bag" or a "single-cell life form,"
picture a large bag full of dirt (or a big fat amoeba) sitting at
your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings or
going on a date. Do this whenever a name comes into your head
about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the
actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge
off your fury; and humor can always be relied upon to help unknot
a tense situation.
There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to
just "laugh off" your problems because that is probably denial at
work. Stuffing feelings creates an emotional time bomb, so don’t
rationalize the process by making something superficially funny.
Rather, use humor to help yourself face things constructively.
Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another
form of unhealthy anger expression.
-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Anger Management Awareness Techniques--Part II

Anger Management Awareness Techniques--Part II
In the office, I frequently use the metaphor of writing
on water. Imaging your mind is a pool of water, and I send
you a message. You take your finger and write the message on
the water. The water records the message, then flattens out.
The message registers but doesn’t stick. You had the full
impression of my message without becoming attached.
When I say the message didn’t “stick,” I did not mean you
failed to remember it. In mindfulness, there is full
appreciation of experience. The colors in the world are just
as bright and the sensations—tastes, sounds, thrills, and ups and
downs—all are just as intense. The difference is that you, the
perceiver, are more fluid in the midst of these experiences, not
getting stuck in the rightness or wrongness of each. This
experience is a psychological stance, which if applied over time,
can lead to a serene state. But you don’t have to spend years
meditating to achieve results.
Why be mindful and how does this impact anger management?
The short answer is that in a mindful mental state, feelings are
processed differently. With a non-attached perspective,
expectations are watched with dispassion and anger, if it arises,
is instantly processed with controls, not abreactive aggression.
How does this work? The act of being aware of your internal
process in this unique way distances you from your immediate
reactions without dulling the intensity of the experience. Think
of it as putting a clutch between your brain and your mouth. Your
brain fully appreciates something but your mouth does not comment.
The urge to blurt out something is there, but the impulse is
detoured through another mental loop--extra awareness that you
consciously put into place. This delay allows you enough time to
fully experience anger without hastily acting out. Your feeling is
experienced but you are a little distracted, by process, so while you
experienced anger, the impulse to act was moved around first. If you
choose to subsequently say or do something in an angry fashion, you
still can, but by now, the forebrain has had a chance to process the
event and your reactions so your response to frustration will be more
refined (civilized, verbal vs. physical, etc.).
This conscious process actually works very well to neutralize our
genetic propensity to react before we think. There is a very well
known loop that exists in our brains that, literally, jump or bypass
our forebrains, when it comes to anger. Our forebrains will catch up,
but usually after we have reacted emotionally. Mindfulness derails
much of this genetic loop; giving the forebrain a chance to catch up
with us, hence maintain controls. In anger management, as with
managing all feelings and thoughts, the more awareness you have in the
moment, the more even will by your response. By that I mean you will
have time to consider the alternatives, including responding with
greater forethought, responding differently from your usual pattern or
not overtly responding at all. If you are a Type I anger person, this
frees you up to consider lots of alternatives compared to what you might
usually do when angry. If you are a Type II anger person, this allows
you to actually watch your thoughts, get in touch with them, and
experience anger as a feeling with more full awareness-—something you
probably trained out of yourself long ago.
To use mindfulness in everyday life, try the “discern and
disengage” cognitive approach on the twelve managing anger strategies
described in a previous article. You will find that most of them flow
much more easily in your awareness with mindful “cognitions” on board.
You will also find that any feeling, not just anger, smoothly moves
through your experience rather than causes emotional upheaval. For
you Type I folks, this will install many, many subtle, effective and
pleasurable controls in your way of dealing with life. For you Type
II folks, these techniques will quietly put you in touch with what you
have suppressed, repressed, or at the very least “detoured” through other,
less adaptive pathways; namely, the full range of your feelings. The
goal of this approach is greater mental health, enjoyment of life and
the conscious enrichment of experience. It takes a little practice,
but it works.
-Dr. Griggs

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http://www.drgriggs.org

Anger Management Awareness Techniques--Part I

Anger Management Awareness Techniques--Part I
Anger is most likely to occur when your awareness
is “off line.” If I’m driving and very suddenly and
unexpectedly someone plows into my back bumper, my
reaction will be immediate and raw. My defenses were
not up, so to speak, so I was unable to mitigate my
reaction by first filtering it through any awareness.
If I had thought to myself that someone is likely to
hit me in the tail, and then I just happened to look
in the rear-view mirror at the moment someone was
closing on me too fast, when they hit me, my reaction
would have actually been quite different. Of course,
this is not likely to occur, but the point is that
awareness moderates reactions, especially if the awareness
is of one’s own process.
This is the laymen’s definition of mindfulness.
The definitions in the literature refer to being completely
in touch with and aware of the present moment. These
definitions de-emphasize the kind of a priori thinking
described in the preceding paragraph; rather, they focus
more on taking a non-judgmental (think evaluative without
the “shoulds,”) approach to one’s inner experience.
Here’s an example of the latter definition. Try
watching your mental movements and realizing these thoughts
are just thoughts. Any feelings you might have are just that,
feelings. Try this with all thoughts or feelings—positive,
neutral or negative. In mindfulness, all thoughts and feelings
are viewed in this way--dispassionately. All experiences are
watched with equanimity, as if from off to the side, without
judgment. Only, you are not off to the side. You are just
suspending judgment as you consciously move through your own
experiences, second by second.
This might sound a little too “Eastern” for some readers.
Think of mindfulness as a process of discerning but disengaging.
The discerning is being aware, in the moment, going with the flow.
The disengaging is about not being caught up in your expectations,
much less your attachments. You are suspending judgment, accepting
without too much criticism what is in your experience.
In the office, I frequently use the metaphor of writing on water.
Imaging your mind is a pool of water, and I send you a message.
With your finger, write the message on the water. The water
records the message, then flattens out. The message registers but
doesn’t stick. You had the full impression of my message without
becoming attached.
When I say the message didn’t “stick,” I did not mean you
failed to remember it. In mindfulness, there is full appreciation
of experience. The colors in the world are just as bright and the
sensations—tastes, sounds, thrills, and ups and downs—all are just
as intense. The difference is that you, the perceiver, are more
fluid in the midst of these experiences, not getting stuck in the
rightness or wrongness of each. This experience is a psychological
stance, which if applied over time, can lead to a serene state.
But you don’t have to spend years meditating to achieve results.
-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Anger And Relationships

Anger And Relationships

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over. One of
the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD
or learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions).
I deal with anger management problems mostly in
as couples are referred through the courts in domestic
violence cases, or come in for couples counseling,
usually because of poor communication skills or outright
fighting. If anger is not THE problem, it is almost
always involved in some fashion.
I also see it in kids, particularly teenagers.
Kids often have impulse control problems, just because
they are kids. Older kids have those pesky hormones
coursing through their veins (starting a lot earlier than
parents realize). Hormones produce physical changes
characteristic of puberty, starting at twelve years or
so for girls, thirteen years or so for boys. These ages
can vary by as much as three years in either direction.
But the behavior problems associated with hormone changes
start almost immediately after the hormones “cut in.” On
average, this is around age 8 ½ years for girls and 9 ½ years
for boys. At these earlier ages, parents report their
child’s behavior “changes.” Their formerly nice, sweet
little angels, almost overnight, become more “oppositional.”
Parents notice their previously easy-to-manage-children
suddenly saying “no” and not cooperating with even simple
requests, like going to bed on time or turning off the TV.
Some parents refer to this as the second “terrible twos”
period. During this phase, kids take on a more “challenging”
attitude, that if unchecked, will continue to emerge, often
nto full-blown anger outbursts. While the “resistance,” or
perhaps downright defiance, is predictable and normal at this
age, regular anger outbursts are not.
Some teenagers show these (sometimes chronic) negative
behavior tendencies early on. They arrive in my office with
a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). That’s
the terrible-twos syndrome on steroids. Almost everything
is a challenge, trying parent’s patience and pushing parents
to the limits of their endurance. Most of the time, ODD has
some biological basis colluding with a difficult environment.
Frequently there is a family history of some form of learning
or other disorder (ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, Asperger’s Syndrome,
childhood bipolar, etc.). Frequently there are divorces in
the family history and/or domestic violence.
Whenever a child of any age exudes such problem behaviors,
there is disruption in relationships, whether it is with
siblings, peers or parents. There is usually a deficit in
social skills, coupled with some impairment in impulse control.
Especially when ADHD is involved, there is damage done to the
child’s self-esteem, causing more, often chronic anger.
Children compensate by acting out their feelings, particularly
anger. Often this occurs to their own detriment. For example,
bullying “compensates” loss of control, personal power or low
academic or social status, but if indulged in too often lands
the child in the vice principal’s office, or worse. These are
the classic beginnings of anger management problems.

-Dr. Griggs

http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page17.html
http://www.drgriggs.org

Anger Management Strategies

Anger Management Strategies
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over. One of
the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD
or learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions). All are affected by our skills in managing
anger.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious
approaches and psychological processes to deal with their
angry feelings. The three main ones or categories are
expressing, suppressing, and calming. These are found in the
broader literature on psychology, and are summarized here:
1) Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not
aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger.
To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your
needs are and how to get them met, without hurting others.
Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it
means being respectful of yourself and others while stating
your experience and asking for what you want. Not
expressing yourself is, sooner or later, asking for
psychological trouble.
2) Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or
redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop
thinking about it, and focus on something else, preferably
something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your
anger and convert it into more constructive behavior.
This works as long as the anger is sooner or later expressed,
not just chronically suppressed (to make it “go away” forever).
The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed
outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself.
Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure,
or depression—the extreme of which may be suicidal impulses.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to
pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive
behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling
them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or over a very
long time it can create a personality that is perpetually
cynical or hostile. People who are constantly putting others
down, criticizing everything, and making sarcastic comments
haven't learned how to constructively express their anger.
Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful
relationships.
This form of dealing with anger often leads to other,
long-term maladaptations. Just about any form of addiction is
suspect, as are extreme behaviors, in general. Chronically
suppressed individuals frequently display disturbances of normal
affect. They can also appear to be hyperactive and/or impulsive.
From a psychodynamic perspective, extreme anger at self may be
partly to blame for extreme risk taking behavior. Lastly,
divorce courts are filled with people who are chronically enraged.
3) Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just
controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your
internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm
yourself down and let the feelings subside. Calming down can
occur before something anger-inducing occurs, during the
anger-inducing episode itself or after it. Examples of each
are meditation, mindfulness or going to the gym, respectively.
When any of the three approaches to anger-control fails,
look out. Trouble is brewing.
-Dr. Griggs

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http://www.drgriggs.org

Anger And Expectations--Part II

Anger And Expectations--Part II

This is the second part of a two-part series of articles
on anger management and its relations to expectations. Pleas
read the previous article before reading this one.
Expectations occur everywhere. Without them we would be
without guidelines, rules, norms and values, judgments, even
culture. For example, in my office, I talk with clients all
day. We sit on a chair or couch, discuss experiences, feelings
and what transpires in their worlds, mentally and otherwise.
Much of what is discussed is against a backdrop of the greater
system of expectations most of us carry. Conflicts happen when
our expectations are “violated.” While we are talking we behave
as would be expected in a professional office, but this requires
some “interpretation,” which means understanding greater contexts
and having some self-control. For example, it is the norm to sit
as adults, talking for forty-five minutes, face-to-face. What if,
suddenly, I stood on my head? That might be funny to some, but
it certainly would not be professional, unless the client was very
young, and then we might both be standing on our heads. (Kids
have different expectations and reactions to novelty, especially
very young children.) Here’s a more prosaic example.
What about table manners? Remember being taught first to
use the “outer” fork when eating? We eat the salad before the
meal, according to norms; therefore we use the salad fork, which
is the wider one with shorter tines. Right? Then, we pick up
the fork next to it, which is closer to the dinner plate and eat
the rest of the meal. This fork has longer and thinner tines.
“Don’t put your elbows on the table during dinner,” is something
most parents say to their children. “Don’t chew with your mouth
open.” “Don’t talk while chewing.” These are very commonly
communicated expectations. (In the culture of teenagers I observe
in my office, these behaviors are seldom seen, or even learned.
Most kids I talk with don’t know about etiquette at the table,
even though, I’m sure, many do outside of my office.)
Expectations are everywhere and we need them to manage our
experiences. They are also about needing to be in control. In
more benign circumstances, this helps up get along, to manage how
we interact. For example, if I am standing in line, waiting for
my turn to check out of the supermarket, I don’t expect someone to
cut in line. Common expectations are that we each wait our turn;
hence get along.
The dark side of over-controlling, or having too rigid
expectations is anger. We would not be angry when one of our
expectations was violated if we did not have an investment in
having our expectations met. We want things the way we want things.
This comes out because we have expectations of how things “should” be.
This could be straightforward, as when the boss promised us that raise
that was later rescinded. Or, it could be physical, like when we
don’t expect others to step on our toe when we are food shopping.
Regarding the latter, we obviously would likely not see this coming,
and if someone crashed into one of my appendages, it would hurt.
I may howl for a short time while hopping around on one foot, holding
the other one. After the pain wears off, anger is likely to be my
next experience. Why? The physical expectation is, “others should
stay away from my feet.” (Normally, we don’t wander around the
supermarket, saying to everyone we pass, “don’t step on my foot,”
but it certainly is one of those expectations we all silently carry,
like not cutting in line, mentioned above.) In these two cases, we
control our own space by observing the territory of others and
expecting others to observe ours. We control our own physical space
by exerting psychological expectations of what that space ought to be.

-Dr. Griggs

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http://www.drgriggs.org