How To Be LESS Assertive
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for
twenty-five years, I deal with the same eight conditions
over and over. The most common is anxiety but the other
seven are sometimes equally problematic.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors,
ADHD and/or learning disorders, relationships issues,
low self-esteem, poor quality relationships and lack of
assertiveness).
The last issue, assertiveness, is very frequently
seen in my office, and the lack of assertiveness
undermines success in almost all the other areas mentioned
above. Usually, I try to describe ways to increase
assertiveness. This is the normal approach to a clinical
issue. But a lot of people do not read articles because
they figure they already know how to do this. Then, they
fail to "do" the things listed. I've found that some
people better respond to a negative approach. In other
words, a lot of people respond to a "backwards" description
of an issue. Paradoxically, the message often "goes in"
when delivered in this way. So, here are some things we
can do to NOT be assertive.
One way to be less assertive is to start out life
being shy. This is not a pathological condition, just a
temperamental orientation. Shyness causes kids to sit in
the back of the class, to not speak up, to avoid being in the
spotlight. It also negatively correlates with what
assertiveness demands; namely, the opposite of these three
(and other) behaviors. Shyness can be overcome, so
apparently it is not so "hard wired," but it can be difficult,
especially if early family experiences reinforce it.
Another way to be less assertive is to learn to hold
in feelings. Many families practice the old Biblical adage,
"Turn the other cheek," or in more modern parlance,
"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
These ideas sometimes have their place, like when talking to
authority. However, largely these orientations are
psychologically unhealthy. Holding in feelings, again,
is the exact opposite of what assertiveness entails.
Assertive people speak up or at least share their experiences
out loud. Then, usually following this (but not always),
assertive people ask for what they want. The single most
effective way to boost assertiveness by about fifty percent
is to articulate our feelings. That means use a feeling word
in a sentence out loud and use it to describe what we feel and
then ask for what we want. Using the feeling word is the key
that makes the biggest difference. So, if we don't want to be
assertive, don't use feeling words, don't speak to them and
don't ask for what we want.
Another way to be less assertive is to be aggressive.
Aggression is behavior that is harmful to others, either verbal
or physical. If we want to not be assertive, call someone a
name or hit him or her. Easy. The consequences will
certainly be different than when being assertive, but this is
probably the quickest way of avoiding assertiveness.
Another way of doing something other than being assertive
is to de-focus. This could be altering awareness. Sleeping,
running away, doing drugs, engaging in non-verbal activities
like sports (especially extreme sports) come to mind. If we
alter our mindset, the usual verbal (and other) behaviors become
unusual in the new set of mind. For example, let's say I don't
want to express my feelings and I do want to avoid them.
If I use drugs, I change (sometimes obliterate) my awareness of
the normal way of being, and will start behaving differently,
depending upon which drug I use. Different drugs cause
different reactions, but most of them cause alterations of
awareness that are incompatible with assertiveness.
(Some people argue that some drugs make it easier to express
feelings. This is true, but that doesn't mean assertiveness
will follow. When drugs are used to "loosen" one's tongue,
judgment usually becomes proportionally impaired.)
I might speak up more with certain drugs but probably my
ability to be assertive will decrease. Conversely, many drugs
cause withdrawal, which is obviously the opposite of speaking up.
For more on assertiveness and how to learn it easily, see
the author's ebook on this subject.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page3.html
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Anxiety vs. Paranoia
Anxiety vs. Paranoia
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist I deal with
eight issues everyday. They range from addictions, to child
problems, to ADHD, learning disabilities, self-esteem, lack of
assertiveness, relationships, depression and anxiety.
This last one comes in many "flavors" ranging from mild to severe
symptoms. Anxiety also has many manifestations, ranging from mild
but chronic worry to panic attacks. The more severe versions of
anxiety are panic, phobias or posttraumatic stress disorders.
Many people have severe anxiety, which also shares some
components of paranoia. Paranoia is an irrational fear of
something when that something is not real. For example, when
driving down a street, I might think there is a police office
lurking just around the corner, waiting to give me a ticket.
When I approach the intersection, I see there is no police officer,
so my fear is allayed. Right? Not if I'm paranoid. If I'm
paranoid, I think I just miscalculated and that the police officer
is just around the "next" corner. When I get to that intersection
and again find no police officer, I just extend the thinking to the
next intersection beyond that, then the next one after that one.
What distinguishes paranoia is that no matter what is the fact, my
thinking doesn't change. The technical definition of paranoia is a
fixed pattern of thinking that does not respond to reality
(paraphrased). What makes me "just anxious" is when I think there
is a police officer just around the corner because I saw one there
yesterday, and yes, sure enough, there s/he is again, today.
I still fear the ticket I might get for speeding, but it is for a
good reason.
The reason anxiety and paranoia overlap, clinically, is because
of the dynamics that create both. Both are founded upon highly
suppressed, even repressed feelings. The greater the suppression,
the greater the anxiety. The more anger that is suppressed, the
more likely paranoia will start to surface, even if anxiety is the
primary disorder.
Anxiety disorder differ from paranoia is matter of degree and
dynamics as they unfold later in the development of the syndromes.
Anxiety can start any time, with any suppression of feelings or with
any perception of an event that will not be able to be controlled.
Same with paranoia, except that with paranoia, there needs to be a
higher level of suppression, in this case more likely repression, and
at the same time, there needs to be more anger involved. This is
because one of the main dynamics of paranoia is projection, which is
a defense that involves putting onto someone else the very things one
cannot deal with themselves. Rage is the usual culprit in paranoia,
which is the extreme form of anger, in this case projected outwards.
The police may be after drivers to give them tickets, which raises
my anxiety because I cannot control government officials very well.
But being paranoid about the police hiding around every intersection
speaks to my very bit angry feelings (probably hate, rage, etc.) at
police, that I cannot otherwise negotiate; hence the projection that
to do something to them.
Both syndromes involve anxiety, and both require excavation of
deeper feelings to resolve. Paranoia can also go one step
further-psychosis. Anxiety disorder suffers rarely suffer psychosis,
which is that state of being out of touch with reality. Paranoia
suffers do sometimes have psychotic breaks, and this often is the result
of organic causes. Sometimes this is genetic and sometimes this is the
result of environmental causes, like brain injury, brain tumors,
excessive drug use, etc.
Accordingly, when the symptoms of either syndrome become too intense,
usually medication is indicated. With anxiety disorders, minor
tranquilizers are often given (benzodiazapines) or antidepressants with
an anti-anxiety element (SSRI's). With paranoia-disorder, often the
medication of choice is an anti-psychotic, which works to "clean up" the
thinking, which then secondarily reduces anxiety.
For more on diagnosing your own anxiety, see the ebook on this subject by this author.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page2.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist I deal with
eight issues everyday. They range from addictions, to child
problems, to ADHD, learning disabilities, self-esteem, lack of
assertiveness, relationships, depression and anxiety.
This last one comes in many "flavors" ranging from mild to severe
symptoms. Anxiety also has many manifestations, ranging from mild
but chronic worry to panic attacks. The more severe versions of
anxiety are panic, phobias or posttraumatic stress disorders.
Many people have severe anxiety, which also shares some
components of paranoia. Paranoia is an irrational fear of
something when that something is not real. For example, when
driving down a street, I might think there is a police office
lurking just around the corner, waiting to give me a ticket.
When I approach the intersection, I see there is no police officer,
so my fear is allayed. Right? Not if I'm paranoid. If I'm
paranoid, I think I just miscalculated and that the police officer
is just around the "next" corner. When I get to that intersection
and again find no police officer, I just extend the thinking to the
next intersection beyond that, then the next one after that one.
What distinguishes paranoia is that no matter what is the fact, my
thinking doesn't change. The technical definition of paranoia is a
fixed pattern of thinking that does not respond to reality
(paraphrased). What makes me "just anxious" is when I think there
is a police officer just around the corner because I saw one there
yesterday, and yes, sure enough, there s/he is again, today.
I still fear the ticket I might get for speeding, but it is for a
good reason.
The reason anxiety and paranoia overlap, clinically, is because
of the dynamics that create both. Both are founded upon highly
suppressed, even repressed feelings. The greater the suppression,
the greater the anxiety. The more anger that is suppressed, the
more likely paranoia will start to surface, even if anxiety is the
primary disorder.
Anxiety disorder differ from paranoia is matter of degree and
dynamics as they unfold later in the development of the syndromes.
Anxiety can start any time, with any suppression of feelings or with
any perception of an event that will not be able to be controlled.
Same with paranoia, except that with paranoia, there needs to be a
higher level of suppression, in this case more likely repression, and
at the same time, there needs to be more anger involved. This is
because one of the main dynamics of paranoia is projection, which is
a defense that involves putting onto someone else the very things one
cannot deal with themselves. Rage is the usual culprit in paranoia,
which is the extreme form of anger, in this case projected outwards.
The police may be after drivers to give them tickets, which raises
my anxiety because I cannot control government officials very well.
But being paranoid about the police hiding around every intersection
speaks to my very bit angry feelings (probably hate, rage, etc.) at
police, that I cannot otherwise negotiate; hence the projection that
to do something to them.
Both syndromes involve anxiety, and both require excavation of
deeper feelings to resolve. Paranoia can also go one step
further-psychosis. Anxiety disorder suffers rarely suffer psychosis,
which is that state of being out of touch with reality. Paranoia
suffers do sometimes have psychotic breaks, and this often is the result
of organic causes. Sometimes this is genetic and sometimes this is the
result of environmental causes, like brain injury, brain tumors,
excessive drug use, etc.
Accordingly, when the symptoms of either syndrome become too intense,
usually medication is indicated. With anxiety disorders, minor
tranquilizers are often given (benzodiazapines) or antidepressants with
an anti-anxiety element (SSRI's). With paranoia-disorder, often the
medication of choice is an anti-psychotic, which works to "clean up" the
thinking, which then secondarily reduces anxiety.
For more on diagnosing your own anxiety, see the ebook on this subject by this author.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page2.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Top Ten Ways to Make Your Anxiety Worse
Top Ten Ways to Make Your Anxiety Worse
In my capacity as an outpatient psyc
hologist for twenty-five years, I deal with the same eight conditions
over and over. The eighth and most common are anxiety disorders.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors,
ADHD and/or learning disorders, relationships issues,
low self-esteem, poor assertiveness and relationships).
Anxiety comes in many flavors. I classify anxiety
experiences into seven categories, the mildest being what I
call the worrisome personality (aka, the "grandmother syndrome"
characterized by light but chronic fretting). The worst
category is obsessive-compulsive disorder. In between are
things like generalized anxiety disorder, adjustment disorder
with anxiety, panic attacks, phobias and posttraumatic stress
disorder. In reality, just about any of the categories can
be the "worst" if the symptoms are severe.
In treating anxiety disorders, I've discovered that many
clients do things that make their conditions worse. I thought
it might be instructive to list them, even if in a tongue-in-cheek
style. Usually clients come to the office and present as being
very sincere, describing lots of anxiety symptoms. Most clients
want immediate relief from their symptoms and will do anything
do escape the pain of anxiety. However, unwittingly, many people
do a lot of other things that make their condition worse.
For reasons not altogether clear, clients shoot themselves in
the foot. Here are some of what they do.
#1: Use drugs. Drugs of any kind, prescription or otherwise,
including alcohol, nicotine or caffeine in any form. Should you
stop using drugs? Well, not if they are prescription. Consult
your doctor. However, make sure your doctor knows if anxiety is a
side effect of the drug(s) you are taking. Many doctors minimize
this or just plain don't know. Some drug interactions also cause
anxiety, even if individually they do not.
Should you stop drinking, smoking pot, or taking other
non-prescription drugs? Probably. None of these is good for you
even though their use is rampant at all levels of the population.
Virtually all of the non-prescription substances have the strong
potential of increasing anxiety, either during the active phase of
using, or afterwards (come down or rebound).
#2: De-compensate with sex. This is using too much of a good
thing, which usually spoils the good thing or develops a dependency.
#3: Change relationships. There are two areas in life that
change people the most--relationships and employment. Change either
and big psychological changes follow. While there are many times
when a change is indicated, make such a change with caution,
especially if you suffer from an anxiety disorder.
#4: Change jobs. See number three.
#5: Re-locate. Moving is an underrated stressor. On a scale
of ten, most people rate moving as a three or four. Wrong. The
farther you move, the higher up is moving on the scale. For most
people, moving is around a seven. Anything above four is annoying.
Anything above five is usually clinically significant.
#6: Withdraw and/or quit everything. The last thing you want
to do is abandon or separate from your support group. That is
usually friends, but can psychologically include hobbies or other
comfort activities.
#7: Ignore medical conditions: Hyperthyroidism is a common
underlying medical condition underlying anxiety. Why? Because it
drives the metabolism into higher gears, which produce symptoms that
look like anxiety (tachycardia, sweating, weight loss, etc.).
Allergies cause anxiety in half the sufferers. These are two of a
zillion possible medical conditions. If you have an anxiety disorder,
first consult your physician and eliminate the physical causes.
#8: Stop exercising. Exercising is probably the best physical
remedy for anxiety. Of course, when anxious, many people want to
sleep more, because anxiety burns energy, which causes fatigue.
The logic is rest remedies fatigue. True, unless exercise does it
better. This is counterintuitive, but true.
#9: Change your diet. A lot of people go straight to the junk
food when they feel anxious. Food changes our moods (increases blood
sugars, raises endorphins), and the sugar and fats seem to do that the
fastest or longest, respectively. Unfortunately, the effects are
very short-lived and usually negative with respect to anxiety.
If we binge, we feel guilty afterwards (another form of anxiety),
usually gain weight, then have to de-compensate in other ways to lower
this new anxiety (see numbers one, two, six, seven and eight, above).
Plus, anxiety-based eating usually ups our intake of preservatives,
food colorings and other wonderful ingredients.
#10: Changing sleep habits. Don't. Sleep may be the biggest
factor in regulating moods, which are first cousins to anxiety.
Normalize sleep as fast as you can, preferably without drugs
(see your M.D. if you really need to, but...).
Dr.Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page2.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psyc
hologist for twenty-five years, I deal with the same eight conditions
over and over. The eighth and most common are anxiety disorders.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors,
ADHD and/or learning disorders, relationships issues,
low self-esteem, poor assertiveness and relationships).
Anxiety comes in many flavors. I classify anxiety
experiences into seven categories, the mildest being what I
call the worrisome personality (aka, the "grandmother syndrome"
characterized by light but chronic fretting). The worst
category is obsessive-compulsive disorder. In between are
things like generalized anxiety disorder, adjustment disorder
with anxiety, panic attacks, phobias and posttraumatic stress
disorder. In reality, just about any of the categories can
be the "worst" if the symptoms are severe.
In treating anxiety disorders, I've discovered that many
clients do things that make their conditions worse. I thought
it might be instructive to list them, even if in a tongue-in-cheek
style. Usually clients come to the office and present as being
very sincere, describing lots of anxiety symptoms. Most clients
want immediate relief from their symptoms and will do anything
do escape the pain of anxiety. However, unwittingly, many people
do a lot of other things that make their condition worse.
For reasons not altogether clear, clients shoot themselves in
the foot. Here are some of what they do.
#1: Use drugs. Drugs of any kind, prescription or otherwise,
including alcohol, nicotine or caffeine in any form. Should you
stop using drugs? Well, not if they are prescription. Consult
your doctor. However, make sure your doctor knows if anxiety is a
side effect of the drug(s) you are taking. Many doctors minimize
this or just plain don't know. Some drug interactions also cause
anxiety, even if individually they do not.
Should you stop drinking, smoking pot, or taking other
non-prescription drugs? Probably. None of these is good for you
even though their use is rampant at all levels of the population.
Virtually all of the non-prescription substances have the strong
potential of increasing anxiety, either during the active phase of
using, or afterwards (come down or rebound).
#2: De-compensate with sex. This is using too much of a good
thing, which usually spoils the good thing or develops a dependency.
#3: Change relationships. There are two areas in life that
change people the most--relationships and employment. Change either
and big psychological changes follow. While there are many times
when a change is indicated, make such a change with caution,
especially if you suffer from an anxiety disorder.
#4: Change jobs. See number three.
#5: Re-locate. Moving is an underrated stressor. On a scale
of ten, most people rate moving as a three or four. Wrong. The
farther you move, the higher up is moving on the scale. For most
people, moving is around a seven. Anything above four is annoying.
Anything above five is usually clinically significant.
#6: Withdraw and/or quit everything. The last thing you want
to do is abandon or separate from your support group. That is
usually friends, but can psychologically include hobbies or other
comfort activities.
#7: Ignore medical conditions: Hyperthyroidism is a common
underlying medical condition underlying anxiety. Why? Because it
drives the metabolism into higher gears, which produce symptoms that
look like anxiety (tachycardia, sweating, weight loss, etc.).
Allergies cause anxiety in half the sufferers. These are two of a
zillion possible medical conditions. If you have an anxiety disorder,
first consult your physician and eliminate the physical causes.
#8: Stop exercising. Exercising is probably the best physical
remedy for anxiety. Of course, when anxious, many people want to
sleep more, because anxiety burns energy, which causes fatigue.
The logic is rest remedies fatigue. True, unless exercise does it
better. This is counterintuitive, but true.
#9: Change your diet. A lot of people go straight to the junk
food when they feel anxious. Food changes our moods (increases blood
sugars, raises endorphins), and the sugar and fats seem to do that the
fastest or longest, respectively. Unfortunately, the effects are
very short-lived and usually negative with respect to anxiety.
If we binge, we feel guilty afterwards (another form of anxiety),
usually gain weight, then have to de-compensate in other ways to lower
this new anxiety (see numbers one, two, six, seven and eight, above).
Plus, anxiety-based eating usually ups our intake of preservatives,
food colorings and other wonderful ingredients.
#10: Changing sleep habits. Don't. Sleep may be the biggest
factor in regulating moods, which are first cousins to anxiety.
Normalize sleep as fast as you can, preferably without drugs
(see your M.D. if you really need to, but...).
Dr.Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page2.html
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part V
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part V
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This is the last article in a series of five. It focuses
on some of the more salient issues during visitations
following a divorce, and how the parents can make these
concerns easier to manage. Please read the previous four
articles in this series before reading this one.
Barring abuse or death in the family, the separation
of the parents is probably THE single, biggest trauma your
child has experienced to date. To compensate and to comply
with Family Law, usually kids are ordered to visit each parents,
then subsequently shuffled back and forth between each parent's
home. As discussed in the previous four articles, this
presents your child with some unique and very trying challenges.
Younger children do not like being separated from either
parent, so their visits with each parent will be shorter,
accommodating their need to more quickly re-unify with the
parent they just left. As children age, they can tolerate
separation from one parent longer, thus the visits with each
becomes more extended. Older children, from about age
thirteen on usually do not enjoy being uprooted from their
friends, no matter which parent they are visiting.
To help your child tolerate the separation, try giving
them "open phone" privileges. This simply means they can
call the other parent at certain times of the day, or maybe
at any time of day to "touch base," "check in" or whatever.
This reassures your child that the other parent is still in
the picture and diminishes your child's anxiety about
separation. In case it is not obvious, the more anxiety your
child has or the more the divorce itself remains an unresolved
psychological issue for all parties, the more likely your child
will sooner or later act out or have other mental health
symptoms (anxiety disorders, depression, dependence problems,
etc.).
It is very, very important to have the same rules in both
houses. In reality, this is never the case--but try to create
this experience as much as possible. This suggests that the
divorced parents will try to work together, which also almost
never happens. After all, as separated parents, the last thing
we usually want to do is work with our "ex." But the irony is
that under this kind of stress, your child, more than ever,
needs the parents to work together to help her or him cope with
the divorce, separation and the usually big changes that follow.
It is a very real tragedy that at this time parents are the
least likely to work together when your child most needs them to
do just that.
One thing parents can do is to initiate post-divorce
counseling, to address this situation and the very clear and now
more intense needs of the child. The younger the child, the
more this is needed when it comes to setting rewards and other
structure in the home(s). Older children, especially teens,
will respond less well to such structure, but there is still a
very strong need to deal with acting out, as teens are more
capable of creating havoc than very young children. In all
cases, it is best for the child to have some continuity
(sameness) between homes. With very young children, there
should be a system of rewards and prizes that is the same
between households. This almost never happens, but
occasionally two separated parents actually put their
differences aside and work together in this limited way.
After all, they may be separated but the now separated adults
will always be the parents of their common children. Divorced
parents have a hard time with this concept, but it is reality.
If this is one of the stumbling blocks to working together,
then the best thing either parent can do for the child is to
get his or her own individual therapy. It is very important
to put the needs of the child first.
This is the last of five articles that summarizes some of
the more important points to remember when divorcing and then
dealing with children after the divorce. For more in-depth
ways to structure and change children's behaviors in any
situation, but especially in difficult ones, see the author's
ebook on How To Change Children's Behavior (Quickly).
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This is the last article in a series of five. It focuses
on some of the more salient issues during visitations
following a divorce, and how the parents can make these
concerns easier to manage. Please read the previous four
articles in this series before reading this one.
Barring abuse or death in the family, the separation
of the parents is probably THE single, biggest trauma your
child has experienced to date. To compensate and to comply
with Family Law, usually kids are ordered to visit each parents,
then subsequently shuffled back and forth between each parent's
home. As discussed in the previous four articles, this
presents your child with some unique and very trying challenges.
Younger children do not like being separated from either
parent, so their visits with each parent will be shorter,
accommodating their need to more quickly re-unify with the
parent they just left. As children age, they can tolerate
separation from one parent longer, thus the visits with each
becomes more extended. Older children, from about age
thirteen on usually do not enjoy being uprooted from their
friends, no matter which parent they are visiting.
To help your child tolerate the separation, try giving
them "open phone" privileges. This simply means they can
call the other parent at certain times of the day, or maybe
at any time of day to "touch base," "check in" or whatever.
This reassures your child that the other parent is still in
the picture and diminishes your child's anxiety about
separation. In case it is not obvious, the more anxiety your
child has or the more the divorce itself remains an unresolved
psychological issue for all parties, the more likely your child
will sooner or later act out or have other mental health
symptoms (anxiety disorders, depression, dependence problems,
etc.).
It is very, very important to have the same rules in both
houses. In reality, this is never the case--but try to create
this experience as much as possible. This suggests that the
divorced parents will try to work together, which also almost
never happens. After all, as separated parents, the last thing
we usually want to do is work with our "ex." But the irony is
that under this kind of stress, your child, more than ever,
needs the parents to work together to help her or him cope with
the divorce, separation and the usually big changes that follow.
It is a very real tragedy that at this time parents are the
least likely to work together when your child most needs them to
do just that.
One thing parents can do is to initiate post-divorce
counseling, to address this situation and the very clear and now
more intense needs of the child. The younger the child, the
more this is needed when it comes to setting rewards and other
structure in the home(s). Older children, especially teens,
will respond less well to such structure, but there is still a
very strong need to deal with acting out, as teens are more
capable of creating havoc than very young children. In all
cases, it is best for the child to have some continuity
(sameness) between homes. With very young children, there
should be a system of rewards and prizes that is the same
between households. This almost never happens, but
occasionally two separated parents actually put their
differences aside and work together in this limited way.
After all, they may be separated but the now separated adults
will always be the parents of their common children. Divorced
parents have a hard time with this concept, but it is reality.
If this is one of the stumbling blocks to working together,
then the best thing either parent can do for the child is to
get his or her own individual therapy. It is very important
to put the needs of the child first.
This is the last of five articles that summarizes some of
the more important points to remember when divorcing and then
dealing with children after the divorce. For more in-depth
ways to structure and change children's behaviors in any
situation, but especially in difficult ones, see the author's
ebook on How To Change Children's Behavior (Quickly).
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part IV
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part IV
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This article addresses what the child experiences just before,
and then during visitation. Please read the previous three
articles in this series before reading this one.
Pre-visit jitters is my term for what the child
experiences just as s/he is about to leave one parent to visit
the other. There is the mourning or loss of leaving what has
become comfortable; that is, the child is familiar with the
routines in the house s/he is about to leave. Why would the
child want to change this and go to some "other" house where the
routines are not the same? The child becomes anxious and usually
becomes more difficult to control. This is especially true when
the child is younger (under six). Usually the child experiences
anxiety, which in younger children is usually acted out.
Signs of this are increased motor behavior in all areas,
culminating in doing one or more things that "test" parents.
The testing is often secondary to the real aim of the behavior,
which is to discharge uncomfortable impulses. The parent has to
"clamp down" just a little more to get the child to "get ready" to
visit (the other parents), which often spoils the tone of either visit.
The child final is ready and exits the first parent's house,
usually driving to other parent's place. In hostile divorce cases,
the drop off point is often a neutral place. In my geographic region,
this is the McDonald's parking lot. Often the receiving parent uses
this opportunity to feed the child while letting them run off this
"extra energy" at the McDonalds playground. The first parent exits
as the child now expresses the tension of the transition to the receiving
parent. This is unfortunate because it is not necessarily the fault
of the receiving parent that the child feels anxious, and then acts out
on them. However, as the saying goes, "The planet closest to the sun
takes the most heat."
Sooner or later, the child will calm down and the receiving parent
will taxi the child to the "other" home for some period. The child will
feel some anxiety entering this "new" environment, even though the
receiving parent is familiar to the child, and even though after many such
exchanges, the routine and changes will also be more familiar. Again, the
younger the child, the more prolonged and difficult the emotional reaction
can be. It is also worthwhile to note, that this same pattern can also be
very difficult with teenagers. Teenagers have friends and like to
"hang out" more with them than with parents. This becomes very evident at
age 13 and is completely normal. Changing venues can be disruptive to
social activities, so teen resistance to going to the other parent's house
can be formidable. Because teenagers can act out in more ways than
toddlers or slightly older children, their resistance can take the form of
sometimes-aggressive behavior. In either the case of the younger child or
teens, the approach to dealing with this transition phenomena is the same;
namely, sit down with the child and ask them to describe every feeling they
have, using words, not acting out. With younger kids, we first have to
teach them a vocabulary of their feelings. With older kids, we first have
to teach them how to behave so that that the parents will listen first,
punish second.
The last in this series of five articles will deal with the issues that frequently arise during the visits.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This article addresses what the child experiences just before,
and then during visitation. Please read the previous three
articles in this series before reading this one.
Pre-visit jitters is my term for what the child
experiences just as s/he is about to leave one parent to visit
the other. There is the mourning or loss of leaving what has
become comfortable; that is, the child is familiar with the
routines in the house s/he is about to leave. Why would the
child want to change this and go to some "other" house where the
routines are not the same? The child becomes anxious and usually
becomes more difficult to control. This is especially true when
the child is younger (under six). Usually the child experiences
anxiety, which in younger children is usually acted out.
Signs of this are increased motor behavior in all areas,
culminating in doing one or more things that "test" parents.
The testing is often secondary to the real aim of the behavior,
which is to discharge uncomfortable impulses. The parent has to
"clamp down" just a little more to get the child to "get ready" to
visit (the other parents), which often spoils the tone of either visit.
The child final is ready and exits the first parent's house,
usually driving to other parent's place. In hostile divorce cases,
the drop off point is often a neutral place. In my geographic region,
this is the McDonald's parking lot. Often the receiving parent uses
this opportunity to feed the child while letting them run off this
"extra energy" at the McDonalds playground. The first parent exits
as the child now expresses the tension of the transition to the receiving
parent. This is unfortunate because it is not necessarily the fault
of the receiving parent that the child feels anxious, and then acts out
on them. However, as the saying goes, "The planet closest to the sun
takes the most heat."
Sooner or later, the child will calm down and the receiving parent
will taxi the child to the "other" home for some period. The child will
feel some anxiety entering this "new" environment, even though the
receiving parent is familiar to the child, and even though after many such
exchanges, the routine and changes will also be more familiar. Again, the
younger the child, the more prolonged and difficult the emotional reaction
can be. It is also worthwhile to note, that this same pattern can also be
very difficult with teenagers. Teenagers have friends and like to
"hang out" more with them than with parents. This becomes very evident at
age 13 and is completely normal. Changing venues can be disruptive to
social activities, so teen resistance to going to the other parent's house
can be formidable. Because teenagers can act out in more ways than
toddlers or slightly older children, their resistance can take the form of
sometimes-aggressive behavior. In either the case of the younger child or
teens, the approach to dealing with this transition phenomena is the same;
namely, sit down with the child and ask them to describe every feeling they
have, using words, not acting out. With younger kids, we first have to
teach them a vocabulary of their feelings. With older kids, we first have
to teach them how to behave so that that the parents will listen first,
punish second.
The last in this series of five articles will deal with the issues that frequently arise during the visits.
-Dr.Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part III
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part III
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This and the next article address what the child thinks about
the divorce and how s/he behaves during visitation. Please
read the previous two articles in this series before reading
this one.
After the divorce, kids experience a situation that is,
to them, very strange. Usually, one parent moves out, so in
order to "visit" with this parent, the child has to leave one
place and travel to another. The whole idea of visiting a
parent with whom the child probably lived with for a long time
is very awkward. "Why is Mommy/Daddy not in the same place
as always?" "What do you mean, visit? Visiting is what you
do with aunts and uncles." Why do we have to leave where we
are to see someone we already know?" These are questions I
often hear as a child psychologist. Kids are bewildered.
And, they have very negative feelings associated with a lot of
these questions.
The first big feeling is loss, followed by fear (or more
than the usual levels of anxiety), anger and frequently
depression. The family just experienced a major crash.
Kids don't like this at all. This is especially evident
when a child is between two and four years old. In the
previous article, constancy was discussed. Constancy, when
interrupted in toddlers, is devastating. They are at critical
developmental stages that require constancy to complete.
Divorce at this time potentially is double damaging to children.
To compensate, teach them a vocabulary of their feelings, as
previously discussed.
Again, what parents can do for their children at this
critical time is to help process the child's feelings.
Usually the parents have strong feelings of their own, so
perhaps taking the child to a counselor would help do this
better, but sooner or later the parent will have to do some
of this at home. Allow the child to feel anything s/he wants,
because chances are there will be a variety of strong, often
negative feelings, and all of them are probably appropriate,
even though at times they will present in extreme ways.
A big mistake parents make is to paint a pretty picture of
the divorce. The child knows better and resists changes,
often acting out to show their displeasure. But if the
parents do not encourage the child to speak (using words,
not so much with behaviors), the child learns to shut up.
This is tragic and will lead to much bigger problems later.
In the moment, the child needs permission to speak, even if
negatively. Emoting out loud (vs. acting out) using the
appropriate words is to be encouraged.
Set up this standard and many of the following conflicts
can be easier to manage. One of the biggest challenges to
parents is visitation. Children don't like going back and
forth from Mommy's to Daddy's house. Usually, the exiting
parent has moved to a neighborhood where there are no friends
of the children. To compensate, parents often bus their kids
back to their neighborhood-of-origin, which is counterintuitive,
even to a four year old. "Why are we going back to Mommy's"
is a question I often hear as Daddy is driving the kids back
to their own neighborhoods to play with friends that live just
down the street.
The visitation itself will be discussed in the next article,
but first there needs to be discussed the "pre-visit" jitters.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This and the next article address what the child thinks about
the divorce and how s/he behaves during visitation. Please
read the previous two articles in this series before reading
this one.
After the divorce, kids experience a situation that is,
to them, very strange. Usually, one parent moves out, so in
order to "visit" with this parent, the child has to leave one
place and travel to another. The whole idea of visiting a
parent with whom the child probably lived with for a long time
is very awkward. "Why is Mommy/Daddy not in the same place
as always?" "What do you mean, visit? Visiting is what you
do with aunts and uncles." Why do we have to leave where we
are to see someone we already know?" These are questions I
often hear as a child psychologist. Kids are bewildered.
And, they have very negative feelings associated with a lot of
these questions.
The first big feeling is loss, followed by fear (or more
than the usual levels of anxiety), anger and frequently
depression. The family just experienced a major crash.
Kids don't like this at all. This is especially evident
when a child is between two and four years old. In the
previous article, constancy was discussed. Constancy, when
interrupted in toddlers, is devastating. They are at critical
developmental stages that require constancy to complete.
Divorce at this time potentially is double damaging to children.
To compensate, teach them a vocabulary of their feelings, as
previously discussed.
Again, what parents can do for their children at this
critical time is to help process the child's feelings.
Usually the parents have strong feelings of their own, so
perhaps taking the child to a counselor would help do this
better, but sooner or later the parent will have to do some
of this at home. Allow the child to feel anything s/he wants,
because chances are there will be a variety of strong, often
negative feelings, and all of them are probably appropriate,
even though at times they will present in extreme ways.
A big mistake parents make is to paint a pretty picture of
the divorce. The child knows better and resists changes,
often acting out to show their displeasure. But if the
parents do not encourage the child to speak (using words,
not so much with behaviors), the child learns to shut up.
This is tragic and will lead to much bigger problems later.
In the moment, the child needs permission to speak, even if
negatively. Emoting out loud (vs. acting out) using the
appropriate words is to be encouraged.
Set up this standard and many of the following conflicts
can be easier to manage. One of the biggest challenges to
parents is visitation. Children don't like going back and
forth from Mommy's to Daddy's house. Usually, the exiting
parent has moved to a neighborhood where there are no friends
of the children. To compensate, parents often bus their kids
back to their neighborhood-of-origin, which is counterintuitive,
even to a four year old. "Why are we going back to Mommy's"
is a question I often hear as Daddy is driving the kids back
to their own neighborhoods to play with friends that live just
down the street.
The visitation itself will be discussed in the next article,
but first there needs to be discussed the "pre-visit" jitters.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part II
What To Do For Your Kids After The Divorce..., Part II
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This article addresses what the child thinks about the divorce.
The first thing to make very, very clear to the child is
that the divorce is not his or her fault. Children,
especially younger children, think egocentrically. They
are the center of their world. They are involved with
everything (that they perceive). Children are also irrational.
They think that if something happened, they must have created it,
or at least had some part in creating the situation. This
makes little or no sense, logically, but then children usually
are not logical. Very young children are especially illogical
because they just have not developed that capacity.
This is normal. Logic does not really start to surface until
late latency (ages nine or so), even though there are some
glaring exceptions in either direction.
So, to the illogical child, if the parents divorced, the
child "must" have had something to do with it. Right away the
child feels lots of negative things, like anxiety or guilt or
sadness or depression. Right away the child associated her or
his behavior with the negativity of the divorce. The child
thinks the parents split from each other because of when the
child cried, or when the child hit his sibling or didn't eat
their peas. Of course these behaviors probably had not such
cause and effect on the marriage. Divorces are rarely about
the children, although children do bring considerable stress to
marriages, and that stress does contribute to separations.
The child thinks s/he is the cause of that stress; "therefore"
the child must be at fault.
In the previous article of this series, the first
suggestion of things to do for kids in this situation is to
give them a vocabulary of feelings. They need tools to express
how they feel, and the right words are just that tool. In the
above example, the child needs words to describe anxiety, guilt,
worry, sadness and fear. Go to thesaurus.com and look for the
simplest versions of these words. Use them in sentences with
the child and allow the child to hear the words, while you say
them with calmness.
The next thing to do for your child in this circumstance
is to model calm behavior, using appropriate feeling words to
describe how people feel when they no longer want to be together.
It is important that the child hear words like, "love" applied to
the relationship between each parent and the child, even if
the changing superficialities, there is a stable, dependable,
"same" experience of support and security. Divorce is a huge
de-stabilizer of constancy, so parents can help their children
cope with changes by describing, in emotion-based words, the
things that stay the same.
In the next article, visitation will be discussed, as this
is one of the behaviors that most upsets constancy.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This article addresses what the child thinks about the divorce.
The first thing to make very, very clear to the child is
that the divorce is not his or her fault. Children,
especially younger children, think egocentrically. They
are the center of their world. They are involved with
everything (that they perceive). Children are also irrational.
They think that if something happened, they must have created it,
or at least had some part in creating the situation. This
makes little or no sense, logically, but then children usually
are not logical. Very young children are especially illogical
because they just have not developed that capacity.
This is normal. Logic does not really start to surface until
late latency (ages nine or so), even though there are some
glaring exceptions in either direction.
So, to the illogical child, if the parents divorced, the
child "must" have had something to do with it. Right away the
child feels lots of negative things, like anxiety or guilt or
sadness or depression. Right away the child associated her or
his behavior with the negativity of the divorce. The child
thinks the parents split from each other because of when the
child cried, or when the child hit his sibling or didn't eat
their peas. Of course these behaviors probably had not such
cause and effect on the marriage. Divorces are rarely about
the children, although children do bring considerable stress to
marriages, and that stress does contribute to separations.
The child thinks s/he is the cause of that stress; "therefore"
the child must be at fault.
In the previous article of this series, the first
suggestion of things to do for kids in this situation is to
give them a vocabulary of feelings. They need tools to express
how they feel, and the right words are just that tool. In the
above example, the child needs words to describe anxiety, guilt,
worry, sadness and fear. Go to thesaurus.com and look for the
simplest versions of these words. Use them in sentences with
the child and allow the child to hear the words, while you say
them with calmness.
The next thing to do for your child in this circumstance
is to model calm behavior, using appropriate feeling words to
describe how people feel when they no longer want to be together.
It is important that the child hear words like, "love" applied to
the relationship between each parent and the child, even if
the changing superficialities, there is a stable, dependable,
"same" experience of support and security. Divorce is a huge
de-stabilizer of constancy, so parents can help their children
cope with changes by describing, in emotion-based words, the
things that stay the same.
In the next article, visitation will be discussed, as this
is one of the behaviors that most upsets constancy.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
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