Kids and Divorce, Part II
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked with
children of all ages for over twenty years. Usually parents drag
their kids into my office complaining of a litany of bad behaviors,
ranging from not cleaning up their rooms, to getting bad grades,
hitting their siblings, or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs.
I work with parents to change their children's behavior. It is
very helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This is Part II of a two part article series. Please read Part I
before reading this.
In my office, kids generally are not happy about the divorce.
Maybe this is a sampling problem, because when parents bring their
children to a child psychologist, obviously there are problems.
Perhaps I do not see kids who are more adaptive or parents who,
after the separation and/or divorce, work well together. What I
see is that for so many children, divorce is a catastrophe. Children
cannot believe it and frequently go into a kind of shock. From where
they sit, theirs is (or was) a good family. They love both Mom and
Dad and do not or cannot believe that there is no more love between
them. Kids have predictable reactions to the "D" word, like panic,
then protest. Most of the time, they do not want it to happen.
On the other hand, when divorce is imminent because the marriage
is a disaster, children might have an easier time understanding why
parents are separating. Kids understand there are bad things that
occur in families, like when a parent is abusive to anyone in the
family, not just to the other adult. Sometimes one parent is troubled
by addiction and bankrupts the family, or creates extreme poverty.
Sometimes one of the parents ends up in the legal system because of
criminal behavior, hence "went to a relative's house for awhile," which
again, might throw the family into financial turmoil. Sooner or later,
most children will rebel against a dictator or tyrannical parent. When
these conditions occur, it makes sense to children that the "better"
parent might or should rescue them from the "bad vibes" or intolerable
conditions. No one wants to walk on eggshells, circumnavigate a blowup,
witness fighting and violence or endure intense hostility. In these
circumstances, children often want out as much as their parents.
However, even though a divorce is bad, most children do not want it
to happen to their family. Alas, we all know "divorce happens," and
when it does, the parents can cushion the blow and process the event much
better if they are informed about what the child needs. It is
especially important that the separating and/or divorcing parents keep
their wits about them, especially before letting the kids know, and then
minimally work together, if nothing more than to spare the children the
brunt of the likely sequelae.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Kids and Divorce, Part I
Kids and Divorce, Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked with
children of all ages for over twenty years. Usually parents drag their
kids into my office complaining of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging
from not cleaning up their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their
siblings, or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very helpful for
the parents to know their children's experiences. This and the next
article address what the child thinks.
Researchers have filled volumes studying and analyzing the
effect(s) of divorce on children. Studies examining the children of
divorce have found that most suffer a sense of loss that can manifest
in many different ways, depending on the children's ages and unique
personalities, as well as on how parents handle the divorce themselves.
Recent research has shown that adult children of divorce have higher
divorce rates than adults with parents in stable marriages--and even
those who remain married report they are have less trust for their
spouses than people whose parents have remained married.
Most experts agree about two things relative to divorce. One is
that how well children cope with divorce is not necessarily related to
the divorce itself: but rather, to the type of life the family had prior
to it. Two, kids do not care so much about who has custody, unless there
are egregious parental behaviors that cause harm. Children want to have
access to both parents and have good experiences with each.
There are contradictory findings amongst researchers and clinicians
in other areas. Numerous studies have found that growing up in a broken
home increases a person's risk of developing depression or having problems
with anxiety later in life. However, at least one study found that divorce
may not be at the root of the children's later depression after all; instead,
the cause of both divorce and depression might be shared genes with at least
one depression-prone parent.
That does not mean divorce has no impact on children. Other research
found that divorce led to an increased risk of alcohol abuse in adults who
grew up in broken homes. Early studies found that certain problem
behaviors, such as skipping school, fighting and stealing could be traced
directly to divorce. In my outpatient practice, I tell parents that it is
normal for children to perform more poorly in school following a divorce.
In fact, many children experience a drop of up to one whole point off their
G.P.A. (Grade Point Average) during the first year, post-divorce. (Most kids
regain this spontaneously after a time...) In the literature, there are also
some counterintuitive findings. One is that fifty percent of post-divorce
kids reported that they had better relationships with their dads after the
divorce.
For a link to the complete ebook on this subject, see the Resource Box,
below.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have worked with
children of all ages for over twenty years. Usually parents drag their
kids into my office complaining of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging
from not cleaning up their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their
siblings, or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very helpful for
the parents to know their children's experiences. This and the next
article address what the child thinks.
Researchers have filled volumes studying and analyzing the
effect(s) of divorce on children. Studies examining the children of
divorce have found that most suffer a sense of loss that can manifest
in many different ways, depending on the children's ages and unique
personalities, as well as on how parents handle the divorce themselves.
Recent research has shown that adult children of divorce have higher
divorce rates than adults with parents in stable marriages--and even
those who remain married report they are have less trust for their
spouses than people whose parents have remained married.
Most experts agree about two things relative to divorce. One is
that how well children cope with divorce is not necessarily related to
the divorce itself: but rather, to the type of life the family had prior
to it. Two, kids do not care so much about who has custody, unless there
are egregious parental behaviors that cause harm. Children want to have
access to both parents and have good experiences with each.
There are contradictory findings amongst researchers and clinicians
in other areas. Numerous studies have found that growing up in a broken
home increases a person's risk of developing depression or having problems
with anxiety later in life. However, at least one study found that divorce
may not be at the root of the children's later depression after all; instead,
the cause of both divorce and depression might be shared genes with at least
one depression-prone parent.
That does not mean divorce has no impact on children. Other research
found that divorce led to an increased risk of alcohol abuse in adults who
grew up in broken homes. Early studies found that certain problem
behaviors, such as skipping school, fighting and stealing could be traced
directly to divorce. In my outpatient practice, I tell parents that it is
normal for children to perform more poorly in school following a divorce.
In fact, many children experience a drop of up to one whole point off their
G.P.A. (Grade Point Average) during the first year, post-divorce. (Most kids
regain this spontaneously after a time...) In the literature, there are also
some counterintuitive findings. One is that fifty percent of post-divorce
kids reported that they had better relationships with their dads after the
divorce.
For a link to the complete ebook on this subject, see the Resource Box,
below.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
Repairing Relationships-Part V
Repairing Relationships-Part V
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD or
learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions). This is Part V of a five part series of articles
that describe the five most essential elements for keeping longer-term
relationships alive. (It so happens that these same techniques work
in all relationships.) Please read Parts I, II, III and IV before
reading
this article.
Part V speaks to the judicious use of capacity when dealing with
your partner. If you think about when "things" go well between you
and your partner, there are several "things" that come to mind.
I think of enjoying a common activity, sharing a meal or a movie, or
just having time together with my wife. The common variable underlying
all these is capacity. Specifically, we get along when we have energy,
and when we use that energy wisely there is a greater chance we will get
along.
Thinking negatively, we fight and generally don't get along when
there is lack of energy, when our capacities are used poorly, or when
stress knocks us off the track. We fight more when we are sick, out
of our element or surprised with something unpleasant.
Most arguments occur when our resources are dwindling or poorly
used. Specifically, most relationship disagreements occur later in the
evening after work, when one or both of the participants is worn down.
Then, when a conflict surfaces, there is greater irritation (piggybacked
from the stresses of the day) at exactly the time when the participants
are less capable of containing it (too tired).
To repair a relationship, or in this case to not make it worse,
invoke the "9 o' clock" Rule." The 9 o' clock Rule states that after
9 p.m, the only thing couples should say to each other are compliments.
That is because during or after this "danger hour," the likelihood of
squabbling increases exponentially. I've conducted this survey numerous
times over the years I've been a psychologist, and most of the time,
fights occur during this time when people are "winding down." The time
can vary. For example, if either or both partners has to get up at
5:00 a.m. to be at work very, very early, then the rule becomes the
7 o' clock Rule, because each participant poops out earlier at the end
of the day. Different hour, same principle. If you can sleep late,
then adjust the time to a later one.
The 9 o' clock rule speaks to the broader issue of capacity, which
is how this article started. At any time when either partner's capacity
is reduced, the likelihood of fighting increases. In this article, I've
been talking about normal "left over" energy at the end of the day.
In reality, anything that compromises one's ability to fully function is
going to be trouble. Does either partner drink or do drugs?
How about illnesses? Is either partner under undo stress from some
outside event? Are there too many distractions that are unavoidable?
While not the specific focus of this article, each of these categories
potentially can lower a partner's energy, integrity and ultimately his
or her ability to effectively deal with a partner. In short, make sure
you keep your own capacity at peak levels, if possible, to be able to
effectively deal with your significant other. If not, after 9 o' clock,
say only nicethings to your partner.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD or
learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions). This is Part V of a five part series of articles
that describe the five most essential elements for keeping longer-term
relationships alive. (It so happens that these same techniques work
in all relationships.) Please read Parts I, II, III and IV before
reading
this article.
Part V speaks to the judicious use of capacity when dealing with
your partner. If you think about when "things" go well between you
and your partner, there are several "things" that come to mind.
I think of enjoying a common activity, sharing a meal or a movie, or
just having time together with my wife. The common variable underlying
all these is capacity. Specifically, we get along when we have energy,
and when we use that energy wisely there is a greater chance we will get
along.
Thinking negatively, we fight and generally don't get along when
there is lack of energy, when our capacities are used poorly, or when
stress knocks us off the track. We fight more when we are sick, out
of our element or surprised with something unpleasant.
Most arguments occur when our resources are dwindling or poorly
used. Specifically, most relationship disagreements occur later in the
evening after work, when one or both of the participants is worn down.
Then, when a conflict surfaces, there is greater irritation (piggybacked
from the stresses of the day) at exactly the time when the participants
are less capable of containing it (too tired).
To repair a relationship, or in this case to not make it worse,
invoke the "9 o' clock" Rule." The 9 o' clock Rule states that after
9 p.m, the only thing couples should say to each other are compliments.
That is because during or after this "danger hour," the likelihood of
squabbling increases exponentially. I've conducted this survey numerous
times over the years I've been a psychologist, and most of the time,
fights occur during this time when people are "winding down." The time
can vary. For example, if either or both partners has to get up at
5:00 a.m. to be at work very, very early, then the rule becomes the
7 o' clock Rule, because each participant poops out earlier at the end
of the day. Different hour, same principle. If you can sleep late,
then adjust the time to a later one.
The 9 o' clock rule speaks to the broader issue of capacity, which
is how this article started. At any time when either partner's capacity
is reduced, the likelihood of fighting increases. In this article, I've
been talking about normal "left over" energy at the end of the day.
In reality, anything that compromises one's ability to fully function is
going to be trouble. Does either partner drink or do drugs?
How about illnesses? Is either partner under undo stress from some
outside event? Are there too many distractions that are unavoidable?
While not the specific focus of this article, each of these categories
potentially can lower a partner's energy, integrity and ultimately his
or her ability to effectively deal with a partner. In short, make sure
you keep your own capacity at peak levels, if possible, to be able to
effectively deal with your significant other. If not, after 9 o' clock,
say only nicethings to your partner.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
Repairing Relationships-Part IV
Repairing Relationships-Part IV
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD or
learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions). This is Part IV of a five part series of articles
that describe the five most essential elements for keeping longer-term
relationships alive. (It so happens that these same techniques work
in all relationships.) Please read Parts I, II and III before reading
this article.
The fourth trick to repair relationships is to develop greater
empathy for your partner. Empathy is the ability to "walk a mile in
someone else's moccasins." It is the ability to see the world through
someone else's eyes.
In relationships, this ability is very necessary, and it also has
to be applied. It is one thing to "get" what another person might feel
or think. It is quite another thing to put that knowledge into action.
So, the fourth technique for repairing relationships is to apply empathy
to your partner. I call this the 51/49 Rule...
The 51/49 Rule states that fifty-one percent of the time, you will
consider your partner's wishes and wants first, before considering your
own. This applies to all (appropriate) things, especially those
activities and experiences common to both of you.
Notice this rule does not significantly take away much from your
own choices. I'm only talking about one percent difference in selfish
vs. altruistic gestures. The remaining forty-nine percent of the time,
you are going to be assertive and/or oriented to the things you want to do.
It turns out, forty-nine percent of the time doing this is more than enough
to be personally effective and to do and say the things you want.
And, if you think about this, if both you and your partner engage in
51/49 thinking, the average is still 50/50, which is what is ideal when
there are two people in a relationship. (If you are old school Mormon,
the percentages drop, because there are more people in the relationship and
the power positions are not equal. If you married two other people, you
would only get what you want about thirty-three percent of the time...)
Why even bother with this small adjustment if the average is still
going to be 50/50 and you both are going to ultimately get what you both
want half the time? Well, the answer is that by considering your partner
just a little bit more than yourself, there are communicated different
messages to your partner. These are the important ones, and there are two.
One, your partner is important enough to make this mind set a goal. This
elevates his or her self-esteem, and does so a wee bit each time you make
this choice. You value your partner just a wee bit more than yourself,
which in the big picture forges better personality characteristics in you
(empathy and altruism vs. selfishness again), while bringing out the better
qualities in your partner. Two, and this is the most important from my point
of view; it brings to the relationship the experience of cherishing.
Cherishing is defined as: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for, to
care for tenderly, to nurture. Now, what relationship could not benefit from
that?
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD or
learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions). This is Part IV of a five part series of articles
that describe the five most essential elements for keeping longer-term
relationships alive. (It so happens that these same techniques work
in all relationships.) Please read Parts I, II and III before reading
this article.
The fourth trick to repair relationships is to develop greater
empathy for your partner. Empathy is the ability to "walk a mile in
someone else's moccasins." It is the ability to see the world through
someone else's eyes.
In relationships, this ability is very necessary, and it also has
to be applied. It is one thing to "get" what another person might feel
or think. It is quite another thing to put that knowledge into action.
So, the fourth technique for repairing relationships is to apply empathy
to your partner. I call this the 51/49 Rule...
The 51/49 Rule states that fifty-one percent of the time, you will
consider your partner's wishes and wants first, before considering your
own. This applies to all (appropriate) things, especially those
activities and experiences common to both of you.
Notice this rule does not significantly take away much from your
own choices. I'm only talking about one percent difference in selfish
vs. altruistic gestures. The remaining forty-nine percent of the time,
you are going to be assertive and/or oriented to the things you want to do.
It turns out, forty-nine percent of the time doing this is more than enough
to be personally effective and to do and say the things you want.
And, if you think about this, if both you and your partner engage in
51/49 thinking, the average is still 50/50, which is what is ideal when
there are two people in a relationship. (If you are old school Mormon,
the percentages drop, because there are more people in the relationship and
the power positions are not equal. If you married two other people, you
would only get what you want about thirty-three percent of the time...)
Why even bother with this small adjustment if the average is still
going to be 50/50 and you both are going to ultimately get what you both
want half the time? Well, the answer is that by considering your partner
just a little bit more than yourself, there are communicated different
messages to your partner. These are the important ones, and there are two.
One, your partner is important enough to make this mind set a goal. This
elevates his or her self-esteem, and does so a wee bit each time you make
this choice. You value your partner just a wee bit more than yourself,
which in the big picture forges better personality characteristics in you
(empathy and altruism vs. selfishness again), while bringing out the better
qualities in your partner. Two, and this is the most important from my point
of view; it brings to the relationship the experience of cherishing.
Cherishing is defined as: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for, to
care for tenderly, to nurture. Now, what relationship could not benefit from
that?
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Repairing Relationships-Part III
Repairing Relationships-Part III
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD or
learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions). This is Part III of a five part series of articles
that describe the five most essential elements of keeping longer-term relationships alive. (It so happens that these same techniques work
in all relationships.) Please read Parts I and II before reading
this article.
The first two techniques for maintaining and enriching
relationships are Structured Communication and the Four-to-One
Rule. In this article, I'd like to address one thing that kills
relationships, expressed in The Seven Deadly Words or Phrases.
The Seven Deadly Words or Phrases are: "Always," "Never,"
"You should," "You must," "You ought to," "You have to," or
"You need to."
The first two, "Always" and "Never" are either situational
or moral absolutes. In real life, there are few if any things
that occur always or never. The world is not built that way.
The world is gray, not black and white. While there are
circumstances that are very dark or light, it is rare that
something is absolutely at the extreme. One can argue some
particulars, such as 1 + 1 always equals 2. Good. Death and
taxes are the only predictable events in the life of a human.
(The latter is not necessarily the case...). The sun always
comes up in the east. True, for now, but in 500 million years,
the sun may be non-existent, so then what? You know I'm not
talking about this kind of phenomena.
I'm talking about human behavior, which is not this way.
We are not linear, straight, right-angled beings. We are not
mathematical equations, nor astronomical events. We are
subjective, emotional, irrational, curvilinear and wiggly.
Get used to it. Stop trying to squeeze people into absolute,
controllable, predictable blocks. This goes for behaviors
inside our heads as well as outside.
When talking about behavior, especially your partner's,
drop the words always and never from your vocabulary. Instead,
use words like, "it seems like" or "often," or "sometimes," or
"perhaps you feel..." These words and phrases more accurately
express subjective reality. Give the other person some slack.
Give them room to respond personally and idiosyncratically. This
usually reduces a lot of tension and often stops stubbornness,
oppositionalness and other rigid protestations.
The next five words or phrases are judgments. You "should"
do something is a statement that says you failed because I said so.
"My standards are superior to yours, so get with it." When told I
should do something, my first reaction is to ask, according to whose
values or ideas? While you may be right, I'd like to think about
that, or I'd like to maybe interject some other standards
(like my own). And, why would you say I "should" do something?
Could it be you want to control me?
These are all negative approaches to maneuvering someone else,
via indirect control. It is a power play that engenders resentment,
not cooperation. They portend poorly for happy relationships.
And, the remaining four statements, ("ought to," "have to,"
"must" and "need to") are just variants of the "should" theme.
And, not surprisingly, they have the same negative effect on others.
The kernel here is that the recipient of such language is being
judged. This feels bad, no matter what age or situation. If you
want something from your partner, try asking assertively, but leaving
room for that person to respond with equal status and personal power. "Absolutisms" and judgments hurt. Try eliminating these seven from
your vocabulary with your partner.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD or
learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions). This is Part III of a five part series of articles
that describe the five most essential elements of keeping longer-term relationships alive. (It so happens that these same techniques work
in all relationships.) Please read Parts I and II before reading
this article.
The first two techniques for maintaining and enriching
relationships are Structured Communication and the Four-to-One
Rule. In this article, I'd like to address one thing that kills
relationships, expressed in The Seven Deadly Words or Phrases.
The Seven Deadly Words or Phrases are: "Always," "Never,"
"You should," "You must," "You ought to," "You have to," or
"You need to."
The first two, "Always" and "Never" are either situational
or moral absolutes. In real life, there are few if any things
that occur always or never. The world is not built that way.
The world is gray, not black and white. While there are
circumstances that are very dark or light, it is rare that
something is absolutely at the extreme. One can argue some
particulars, such as 1 + 1 always equals 2. Good. Death and
taxes are the only predictable events in the life of a human.
(The latter is not necessarily the case...). The sun always
comes up in the east. True, for now, but in 500 million years,
the sun may be non-existent, so then what? You know I'm not
talking about this kind of phenomena.
I'm talking about human behavior, which is not this way.
We are not linear, straight, right-angled beings. We are not
mathematical equations, nor astronomical events. We are
subjective, emotional, irrational, curvilinear and wiggly.
Get used to it. Stop trying to squeeze people into absolute,
controllable, predictable blocks. This goes for behaviors
inside our heads as well as outside.
When talking about behavior, especially your partner's,
drop the words always and never from your vocabulary. Instead,
use words like, "it seems like" or "often," or "sometimes," or
"perhaps you feel..." These words and phrases more accurately
express subjective reality. Give the other person some slack.
Give them room to respond personally and idiosyncratically. This
usually reduces a lot of tension and often stops stubbornness,
oppositionalness and other rigid protestations.
The next five words or phrases are judgments. You "should"
do something is a statement that says you failed because I said so.
"My standards are superior to yours, so get with it." When told I
should do something, my first reaction is to ask, according to whose
values or ideas? While you may be right, I'd like to think about
that, or I'd like to maybe interject some other standards
(like my own). And, why would you say I "should" do something?
Could it be you want to control me?
These are all negative approaches to maneuvering someone else,
via indirect control. It is a power play that engenders resentment,
not cooperation. They portend poorly for happy relationships.
And, the remaining four statements, ("ought to," "have to,"
"must" and "need to") are just variants of the "should" theme.
And, not surprisingly, they have the same negative effect on others.
The kernel here is that the recipient of such language is being
judged. This feels bad, no matter what age or situation. If you
want something from your partner, try asking assertively, but leaving
room for that person to respond with equal status and personal power. "Absolutisms" and judgments hurt. Try eliminating these seven from
your vocabulary with your partner.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
Repairing Relationships-Part II
Repairing Relationships-Part II
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors,
ADHD or learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor
assertiveness and addictions). This is Part II of a five part
series of articles that describe the five most essential elements
of keeping longer-term relationships alive. (It so happens that
these same techniques work in all relationships.) Please read
Part I before reading this article.
The first technique of keeping relation ships "working" is
Structured Communication, of which there are two parts, covered
in the first article in this series. The second technique is
what I call the "Four-to-One" Rule. This is a relatively simple
idea that has profound implications for relationships, long or
short-term ones, personal or otherwise.
In short, the 4:1 rule states that for every five
communications that take place between people, four of the five
will be positive. The "one" of the five communications that
takes place can be negative, but try to make it as close to neutral
as possible. Regardless of whether the "one" is neutral or just
plain negative, there has to be four positive ones, overall, to
counterbalance the negative effect of the "one."
The first objection I hear to this rule is that nobody is
counting how many positive vs. how many negative communications
take place. That's OK. The goal is to average four positive
things said to every other thing said. Nobody is sitting on the
sidelines with a clicker, counting how many of each kind of
communication is uttered. If you can do this seventy percent
of the time, you will achieve the desired result.
The second objection I hear is that the magnitude of the
communications is not the same, so the ratio makes no difference.
For example, if I say four positive things, but each of those
is a little thing, then follow those with one, very big negative
communication, then I have lost the effect. If you look at
just one example, this would be a good point. But, don't.
This is a broad, overview, so the differences in magnitude of
any one communication averages out, even disappears....
Another objection I hear is that there are not enough
positive things to say about someone on a consistent basis.
If you really think this way, this is the problem in your
relationship. In my view, there are an infinite number of
positive things to say about someone. Even bad people exude
positive qualities. I can find at least four good things to
say about death row inmates. (They might be very small things,
like "they are listening" or "paying attention," but they are
there, despite all their other negatives...) We have to be
creative and actually look for these good qualities. And, isn't
this what positively relating to your partner is all about?
Doesn't this require some effort? And, isn't the effect good
and the effort worth it?
The 4:1 principle especially works well with kids, who are
less constrained and more immediate in their response to praise.
I describe this process at length in one of my ebooks on changing
children's behavior (quickly). The 4:1 rule is one of two main
behavioral engines that rapidly change children's behavior, often
much to the delight of the kids. Kids, like adults, love to be
complimented, and the changes in behavior are immediate, positive
and obvious. Additionally, with kids, parents can choose which
of the many positive behaviors they want to reinforce, thus
training children to behave in ways that are increasingly
positive and adaptive. While this also works with adults, the
delivery of the "4" in the equation has to be genuine and a
little more subtle.
For the next technique on how to improve relationships, read
Part III.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over.
One of the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors,
ADHD or learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor
assertiveness and addictions). This is Part II of a five part
series of articles that describe the five most essential elements
of keeping longer-term relationships alive. (It so happens that
these same techniques work in all relationships.) Please read
Part I before reading this article.
The first technique of keeping relation ships "working" is
Structured Communication, of which there are two parts, covered
in the first article in this series. The second technique is
what I call the "Four-to-One" Rule. This is a relatively simple
idea that has profound implications for relationships, long or
short-term ones, personal or otherwise.
In short, the 4:1 rule states that for every five
communications that take place between people, four of the five
will be positive. The "one" of the five communications that
takes place can be negative, but try to make it as close to neutral
as possible. Regardless of whether the "one" is neutral or just
plain negative, there has to be four positive ones, overall, to
counterbalance the negative effect of the "one."
The first objection I hear to this rule is that nobody is
counting how many positive vs. how many negative communications
take place. That's OK. The goal is to average four positive
things said to every other thing said. Nobody is sitting on the
sidelines with a clicker, counting how many of each kind of
communication is uttered. If you can do this seventy percent
of the time, you will achieve the desired result.
The second objection I hear is that the magnitude of the
communications is not the same, so the ratio makes no difference.
For example, if I say four positive things, but each of those
is a little thing, then follow those with one, very big negative
communication, then I have lost the effect. If you look at
just one example, this would be a good point. But, don't.
This is a broad, overview, so the differences in magnitude of
any one communication averages out, even disappears....
Another objection I hear is that there are not enough
positive things to say about someone on a consistent basis.
If you really think this way, this is the problem in your
relationship. In my view, there are an infinite number of
positive things to say about someone. Even bad people exude
positive qualities. I can find at least four good things to
say about death row inmates. (They might be very small things,
like "they are listening" or "paying attention," but they are
there, despite all their other negatives...) We have to be
creative and actually look for these good qualities. And, isn't
this what positively relating to your partner is all about?
Doesn't this require some effort? And, isn't the effect good
and the effort worth it?
The 4:1 principle especially works well with kids, who are
less constrained and more immediate in their response to praise.
I describe this process at length in one of my ebooks on changing
children's behavior (quickly). The 4:1 rule is one of two main
behavioral engines that rapidly change children's behavior, often
much to the delight of the kids. Kids, like adults, love to be
complimented, and the changes in behavior are immediate, positive
and obvious. Additionally, with kids, parents can choose which
of the many positive behaviors they want to reinforce, thus
training children to behave in ways that are increasingly
positive and adaptive. While this also works with adults, the
delivery of the "4" in the equation has to be genuine and a
little more subtle.
For the next technique on how to improve relationships, read
Part III.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
http://www.drgriggs.org
Repairing Relationships-Part I
Repairing Relationships-Part I
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over. One of
the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD
or learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions).
Relationships start out with a bang and over time, often fizzle.
While this is normal, during the process, considerable resentment
builds. We generate "history," which has a good and a bad side.
The bad side is what ultimately knocks out relationships.
When relationships suffocate and/or ultimately die, there are clear
warning signs. Distance between the partners, increasing fights,
passive aggressive gestures or speech--all red flags. Normally,
if unaddressed, couples go their merry ways, then one day, BOOM.
Something happens. It may be small or big, and it may be the first
time or the fiftieth, but that "something" expresses; that is, releases,
the tensions built up over some period of time.
Tensions are normal and natural differences fuel disagreements.
How we deal with this, often on a daily basis, determines what happens
in the long term, ultimately, whether couples stay together.
The first and most major adjustment or skill that couples need to
acquire is effective communication. In my system, it is called
"Structured Communication." This is not new, but what is critical
are the two aspects or levels of communication that must be in place
for it to work. Working, in this case, means discharging ongoing
tensions, and doing so effectively, not waiting until one or the other
partner explodes.
The first critical aspect is what I call "articulating the process."
This simply means using a feeling word in a sentence, assertively, out
loud, with an "I" statement, that expresses a feeling. In short, it
means describing, using feeling-word vocabulary, what normally is
communicated non-verbally. No longer is the unexpressed, unexpressed
non-verbally. We now make it verbal, overt and unmistakably clear.
How do we know it was clear?
The second aspect of Structured Communication is Validation.
This is also simple. The listener paraphrases or puts into his or her
own words the ideas and feelings of the speaker. The listener has to
feed back to the speaker both levels of communication-the content;
that is, what was actually the "issue" or topic and the process, or
underlying feeling. The speaker gets to "check" the listeners
paraphrasing, and the couple does not go past this juncture until the
speaker "OK's" the paraphrasing. Then, the speaker knows communication
actually "happened" because the listener accurately fed back all levels
of the speaker's communication. Both parties become "clear" about what
was said and fed back.
These two "extra" levels of communication have to be included in most
verbalizations between communicating pairs, or sooner or later something
will go off track. Most couples fail to include these two levels
consistently, which sets of a psychological time bomb. Instead of
articulating feelings, often the speaker "assumes" his or her feelings
are being communicated. They usually are, non-verbally, but that does
not mean they were accurately communicated nor accurately understood.
Then, most couples don't paraphrase, so what was not accurately
communicated or understood festers. Most couples, failing to use these
two techniques, just fire right back with whatever retort they have been
rehearsing while the speaker was not articulating. The rest is the stuff
of marriage and family sessions...
For a complete description of this and the other five techniques couples
need to know, see the resource box below or go to the author's website.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist for twenty-five
years, I deal with the same eight conditions over and over. One of
the most common complaints I hear about is relationships.
(The other seven are mood problems, children's behaviors, ADHD
or learning disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor assertiveness
and addictions).
Relationships start out with a bang and over time, often fizzle.
While this is normal, during the process, considerable resentment
builds. We generate "history," which has a good and a bad side.
The bad side is what ultimately knocks out relationships.
When relationships suffocate and/or ultimately die, there are clear
warning signs. Distance between the partners, increasing fights,
passive aggressive gestures or speech--all red flags. Normally,
if unaddressed, couples go their merry ways, then one day, BOOM.
Something happens. It may be small or big, and it may be the first
time or the fiftieth, but that "something" expresses; that is, releases,
the tensions built up over some period of time.
Tensions are normal and natural differences fuel disagreements.
How we deal with this, often on a daily basis, determines what happens
in the long term, ultimately, whether couples stay together.
The first and most major adjustment or skill that couples need to
acquire is effective communication. In my system, it is called
"Structured Communication." This is not new, but what is critical
are the two aspects or levels of communication that must be in place
for it to work. Working, in this case, means discharging ongoing
tensions, and doing so effectively, not waiting until one or the other
partner explodes.
The first critical aspect is what I call "articulating the process."
This simply means using a feeling word in a sentence, assertively, out
loud, with an "I" statement, that expresses a feeling. In short, it
means describing, using feeling-word vocabulary, what normally is
communicated non-verbally. No longer is the unexpressed, unexpressed
non-verbally. We now make it verbal, overt and unmistakably clear.
How do we know it was clear?
The second aspect of Structured Communication is Validation.
This is also simple. The listener paraphrases or puts into his or her
own words the ideas and feelings of the speaker. The listener has to
feed back to the speaker both levels of communication-the content;
that is, what was actually the "issue" or topic and the process, or
underlying feeling. The speaker gets to "check" the listeners
paraphrasing, and the couple does not go past this juncture until the
speaker "OK's" the paraphrasing. Then, the speaker knows communication
actually "happened" because the listener accurately fed back all levels
of the speaker's communication. Both parties become "clear" about what
was said and fed back.
These two "extra" levels of communication have to be included in most
verbalizations between communicating pairs, or sooner or later something
will go off track. Most couples fail to include these two levels
consistently, which sets of a psychological time bomb. Instead of
articulating feelings, often the speaker "assumes" his or her feelings
are being communicated. They usually are, non-verbally, but that does
not mean they were accurately communicated nor accurately understood.
Then, most couples don't paraphrase, so what was not accurately
communicated or understood festers. Most couples, failing to use these
two techniques, just fire right back with whatever retort they have been
rehearsing while the speaker was not articulating. The rest is the stuff
of marriage and family sessions...
For a complete description of this and the other five techniques couples
need to know, see the resource box below or go to the author's website.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.drgriggs.org
http://psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
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